Voicemail Tales

In my 9-5 job I am required to both answer and make many phone calls throughout the course of a day's work. Well I have a gripe I need to share. (I know you're thinking what else is new. Lol). Over the course of years working where I do presently and other companies doing similar work, I've probably left more than 100,000 voicemail and answering machine messages. In doing so, I've probably heard every type of voicemail greeting that there is to hear. To the point where I know when I know when I can just press pound(#), or 1 to get directly to the voicemail.

So here's my list of personal favorite voicemail greetings. And when I say favorite I mean I can't stand them and get tired of hearing them over and over again. So don't get confused. LoL. If any of you have these types of voicemail greetings this is not directed at you. I could care less about what type of voicemail greeting you have because, well I don't have to call you. LoL.

April Fools!

Phone Rings 4xs:

Hello?

Me: Hi can I speak to Mr./Mrs. So & So

Hello?

Me: (Frustrated at having to repeat myself) Yes I need to speak to Mr/Mrs. So & So Please!

Who's Calling?

Me: This is C-Recks from (My company name)

3 sec Pause...

Me: Hello?

Ha! Ha! I got you leave a message after the beep.

Now I love a good joke like anyone else; however, getting 2-3 of these type of voicemail greetings a day is frustrating and annoying as hell. Usually these leave me wanting to say some obscene things on the voice mail that could get me fired. LoL. Now some of you may be thinking, how do you keep falling for those? Well to be honest I don't too much pay attention to what's going on until I either hear someone say hello or a beep. But most of these are so clever you can't tell that it's a prank until they've gotten you. To those that do this you have absolutely too much time on your hands.

American Idol Auditions

I will admit that the best part of the show American Idol is probably the thousands of auditions from the would be singers that have no talent at all. So yes I like to sit and laugh at those individuals. Someone should have told them they can't sing before they came on TV to make a fool out of themselves. But that's besides the point. Nonetheless, I hate it when non-singing and or non-rapping people try to flex their absent skills on their voice mails. I don't want to hear you doing your best rendition of Keyshia Cole's "Love." Nor do I want to hear a freestyle rap about how you can't answer the phone, that sounds like the Blue Blocker man. As a rapper with some talent this offends me. LoL. If you have talent then you should be recording in the studio not on your voicemail. Although they sometimes make me laugh, I don't have time to listen to that madness.

Stick to the Script

Phone Rings 4xs

Hi I'm Katie, I'm Derek, I'm Catherine and I'm Paul, and (in unison) you've reaches the Stevensons we're not home right now so leave a message at the tone and we'll get back to you. Beep!

I don't want to call them wanna be actors, but these clever individuals choose to plan out a whole script when it comes to their voicemail greeting. They don't mind even getting the kids involved. Everyone can get written into the script. These individuals have a different voicemail depending on the upcoming Holiday. If it's Halloween they may leave a greeting sounding like Dracula. If it's Christmas they'll belt out their jolliest Ho Ho Ho. I know that Christmas is coming up I see the commercials, displays, date on the calendar, and my son is on countdown mode. Therefore, I don't need to be reminded by your voicemail.

User Error

Phone Rings x4

You've reached the sprint pcs voicemail for: "Yeah I don't know what's going on with this thing I'm still waiting on the beep, it's taking forever." At the tone leave a message at the end of your message press # for more options.

No offensive but some people are just not that technologically advanced. But it really doesn't take too much technical savvy to record your name at the beep and press # then follow the rest of the prompts to set up your voicemail. But hey maybe it's just me.

Kids Incorporated

Similar to the script writers previously mentioned, these individuals basically hand the phone over to the kids and let them leave the voicemail greeting. I've heard greetings that are as simple as "Call my momma back!" Then the more complex where you can hear the parent in the background feeding the kid the lines to recite. But it's still a kid so you eventually hear them mess up in the middle and try to whisper "What was I supposed to say?" I will admit these voice mails can be kind of cute, and sometimes funny. However, I just want to get to the point and leave my message, I just don't need all the extra theatrics.

Musical Chairs

I'm probably the biggest music lover that there is, and I love when I call someone's voice mail and they're playing my song. However, I can only take so much. If it's 30 secs of the song then cool I'll listen, bob my head a little bit, tap my foot, and maybe even hum a note or 2. However, once the song gets into the 1-3 minute mark it's just getting ridiculous. If I want to hear the song that bad I'll go to I-Tunes or turn on the radio. I don't need to hear the whole damn song on your voicemail. Now I know you may be thinking why don't I just press # and go directly to leaving a message? Well trust I know that works for most cell phones; however, depending on the carrier pressing # during the greeting will prompt it to ask you for you pin number. Therefore, you have to hang up, call back, and listen to the whole damn song again. Therefore, I don't risk trying that. But wait now they have those Call Tones. So instead of hearing the phone ringing you hear a snippet of a song. If you have a call tone please don't follow it up with a voice mail greeting that is full of a 3 minute song, this is just over kill!

Sunday Service

Now don't get me wrong I love God just as much as the next. Also, I know that as Christian's our job is to spread God's word to the world by any and all means possible. However, does that necessarily include your personal voicemail too? These individuals will begin and end their voice mail with a scripture from the bible. I mean to the point where I'm searching for a bible just so I can follow along. As much as I appreciate the good word for the day, I'm calling Monday - Friday and I'm just trying to work. Hit me with the word on Sunday please. Oh and they will never forget to tell you at the end to "Have a Blessed Day," which I appreciate. I need all the blessings I can get. LoL.

Bottom line is that we all have the right to do whatever we want on our voice mails. These are just my frustrations being expressed. But all I'm saying is why not keep it simple? "Hi this is _____ sorry I missed your call please leave me a message and I'll return your call." Or just don't record a message and let the regular cell phone message say your number and then the beep. Sometimes there is just no need for all the extra stuff. Plus you never know who is going to be calling you. What if you're trying to get a new job and they hear some of this madness I discussed? But again I digress. I'm sure that throughout the course of my day I will hear any and all of these voice mails at some point. But at least via blogger I can share my pain with the world. Maybe someone will feel me. LoL. Oh if I missed any feel free to add to my list.

--C-Recks--

Just Deserts

Don't worry I didn't make a simple spelling error in my title. You'll understand the spelling as you continue to read. So, a few months my best friend was having an argument with some guy about who was thirstier men or women? So she e-mails me and asks my take on it. Well my immediate response was "Men of course!" My first example proving my point to her was for her to simply log into her myspace. I told her that I bet with her just being logged in [cue the blinking on-line indicator] and not doing anything more that the guys would flock. However, if I were to do the exact same I would maybe [on a good day] receive 1 request to her every 5-10. Unfortunately, she agreed with me that guys are thirstier; therefore, she didn't try my little "social-networking" experiment.

However, my blog entry "It's a One-derful Life" prompted another friend of mines to re-open their previously closed myspace account to prove a point. On her profile she listed 10 items about her as I did in the aforementioned blog. However, she proceeded to tell me that the "resume" as she called it, prompted her to receive 70 friend requests. All of these requests came within a matter of barely 24 hours, from men wanting to be her "One." Well without even asking her to participate she conducted my "social networking" experiment for me. So my response to her was that the 10 items was irrelevant. I feel that even without her putting her 10 items on there that just a picture and no words would have gotten at least half of those requests. Why? Because guys are thirsty.

Still not convinced? Well here's yet another example. A few years ago I was in the grocery store picking up some items for my grandmother. Well my eye spotted a gorgeous woman shopping and pushing her cart along. Now before my mind could even formulate the thought of stepping up to her and say something someone had already beat me to the punch. So, I played the back and watched her shut this guy down as he walked away shaking his head. Within less than a minute I saw another guy make the same attempt only to be shut down. As guy #2 was shut down there was a third guy lurking in the shadows just hoping for his turn. Even after seeing guy #2 get shut down, the third guy proceeds to take his chance. By this time I'm simply laughing because it's become quite comical. Well it's no surprise that guy #3 got the same treatment as his 2 predecessors. The young lady proceeded to the meat department to pick out some poultry, but it wasn't long before guy #4 made his appearance. I couldn't hear what any of them were saying to her, but with her picking out chicken, I'm sure his "original recipe" line that he used wasn't too original. Therefore, he was sent home with no consolation prize along with the previous contestants.

Well I won't front that my mind was thinking hell "give it your best shot worst she can say is no." However, I then thought of it in this way. If I just saw 4 people try to cross the same bridge and all met the same fate of falling in the water would I still try to cross? The answer was an astounding Hell No!! Plug up the Gps and find yourself another route. LoL. So, I told myself I'm just not a thirsty type guy and simply admired her beauty from a distance and kept it moving.

I mean I know I'm from Chicago and perhaps thirstiness just exists here, but I doubt that's the case. I've come to realize that Chicago niggaz just take it to an extreme level. However, I'm sure that women from all over the world can attest to the fact that they've experienced many moments dealing with thirsty guys. We've attempted to come up with a list, let's go through it and see how far we get.

- The guy that buys you a drink at the club and thinks you drinking that drink is some sort of non-verbal contract obligating you to talk to him the rest of the night. So he follows you around the club all night.

- The guy that you actually decide to give your number to; however, he doesn't adhere to the 1-2 day buffer and calls you the same day.

- The guy that when he meets you and you won't give him your number decides to give you his number. But not just his number. He includes his work number, his e-mail address, his instant messenger, and just in case you can't reach him at any of those his momma's number.

- The guy that first tries to holla at you. Then when you shut him down moves on to your girl. But when she doesn't give him any love either he then makes an attempt at your other girl. Eventually he goes through the rest of your crew, but even though no one takes his bait it doesn't deter him from trying.

- The guy that you've barely known a week or 2; however, he already wants you to be his woman. But wait he's not just satisfied with you just being his girl. Within that same week or 2, he wants you to meet his momma, be his wife, and go half on a baby with him.

- The guy that calls you and when you don't answer he leaves you a voice mail. But before you can even check the voice mail he's calling you again. But when you don't answer the next time he's sends you a text message. My brother commonly refers to these individuals as Serial Dialers.

- The guy that will admittedly do anything to get you to sleep with him. Including but not limited to offering to buy you any and everything you want as if money will all of a sudden make you want to be with him.

- The guy that sees you walking down the street as he's driving and tries to get your attention by yelling from the car. When you ignore his disrespectful attempt, he continues to drive along side you trying different lines on you hoping you change your mind.

- The guy that you openly treat like s**t, yet he takes your s**t and whatever else you do to him just no matter how bad it is. He doesn't care because he just wants to be with you no matter what.


Alright that's all we could come up with. But feel free to add to the list in your comments I'm sure we've left plenty things out. But the bottom line is that although there are some thirsty women out there, they don't close to match the numbers of thirsty men. I guess some of these guys didn't get the memo that women out number men in most places. You would think that would deter them from being so thirsty; however, it doesn't and it won't.

So to those thirsty men out there. Please stop being so damn thirsty! Ya'll make it harder for us regular guys to even get a chance because of how thirsty the last guy that tried was. So calm your thirsty asses down, for starters here's a glass of water on me. LoL.
--C-Recks--
--DrizaDre--