A Penny For My Thoughts

Alright. There have been some things on my mind. Topics that might not be able to support a full blog, but definitely worth sharing. So here comes another edition of Pennies for my thoughts.







At this point we should have all heard of the "Nigerian email scam". For those of you who haven't heard of it, here's a quick recap of the scam. A person would receive an email from someone that they have never met in their entire lives. The email has some version of, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I have a lot of money that was left to me by the king/queen of some unheard of African nation. Some kind of government bureaucracy prohibits me from having access to this money. If you send me some money, it will allow me to somehow receive this money, and in turn I will repay you handsomely."

Well as vague as that description was, the emails are probably just about as vague, if not more so. Here's my question. Who the hell are those individuals who fell for this scam? I mean, I might have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. If you have access to a fortune, was it not someone within your inner circle who couldn't lend you the necessary funds to procure this supposed fortune? I mean, if it does exist, why not give your people access to it? Next question. OK, let's say that all your friends are broke as hell, and they can't help you with that at all. Why is your next "logical" act to send an unsolicited email to Grandma Betty in Cheyenne, Wyoming? (A rhetorical question of course).

Last question. Have there been any black people who fell prey to the Nigerian email scam? I'm not saying that blacks are smarter or anything like that, but I will say that black people are more naturally skeptical and suspicious than the average white person. I blame it on slavery! Yes slavery. We fell for that one hook, line and sinker. So I believe its ingrained in us to be naturally suspicious of pretty much everything. Can't get caught slippin again.

A quick update about the Nigerian email scam. I read an article about a politician in Nigeria who believes that the people who fall victim to this scam should be prosecuted for greed just like the perpetrators. I'm normally one who believes in hammering criminals. But damn, I do have a heart. The people may have been snaked out of their life's fortunes in some cases, should they really go to jail in the process? Just a thought.



I wrote a while back about the subject of an inner "bad ass kid". Well along the same lines, I would like to talk about another time in which that inner bad ass kid comes out. When we see midgets. Now I know that midget is an offensive term. So you may call them little people, or vertically challenged. I myself call them midgets! I don't know why it is that after 30 years on this Earth, the sight of a midget still brings out a curiosity factor in me. I don't laugh or anything like that, ok, well not on the outside. But I am still intrigued by the sight. And I doubt if I'm the only person. One more thing on the subject of midgets. If there are any midgets reading this, ya'll have to stop exploiting yourselves. There's already the curiosity factor, you don't need to complicate things by allowing yourselves to be tossed for sport, filmed wrestling, and definitely not doing porn. (Background, my boy set me up, and gave me a flick with a scene with a midget in it. Not my choice, I still hold salt with him to this day for that).



Has anyone ever seen a 7-11 closed? I was out last night, and the young lady I was with asked me to stop at the 7-11. I pulled into the parking lot, and she stated "I don't see anyone in there. I think they're closed." Now mind you, its only about 9:45 at night. But as I replayed her statement in my head, it got me to thinking, have I ever seen a 7-11 closed? I don't believe I ever have. And I believe you'd be hard pressed to come up with a time that you have as well.







Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever. I know that I might not be taking much of a great leap by stating that, but I will prove it with a simple argument. During his tenure, Michael Jordan kept some of the best players ever from winning a championship. From the NBA's 50 greatest players of all time: Karl Malone, Charles Barkley, Clyde Drexler, and Patrick Ewing. Other great players from this era not to have championship rings due to Michael include: Reggie Miller, John Stockton, Gary Payton, and Dominique Wilkins. I can state that all of these players would be NBA Champions, if not for playing in "Michael Jordan" era. (Also, I want to state that if it weren't for the retirement of Michael for two years, Hakeem Olajuwon would not have gotten his rings. David Robinson only got his rings once Michael retired the second time. So as far as I'm concerned, they belong on this list as well).


Well that's enough for now. Just 4. Coupled with my last post, you now owe me 9 cents. As usual, you know I'll put it on your tab. (Just know that at some point we will have to settle up. Lol).


-Drizadre-

I Beg Your Pardon

We have all seen them at some point. Some people fear them, while others detest them and wish they'd go away. Some people even laugh at them, but many more feel sorry for them. It doesn't matter if it's day time or night. They walk amongst us every day. Nor does it matter if it's downtown, in the city, in the ghettos, or the suburbs. They are every where. Although they are not extraordinarily abundant in numbers, you can't seem to avoid them. Whether you're walking down the street, coming out of the store, or even driving in your car. The "signs" of their presence is apparent. Regardless of how you feel about them they're not going anywhere.


By now you're probably all curious as to who or what I am talking about. Well if you haven't yet figured it out this blog is dedicated to the Homeless. Also known as bums, panhandlers, and hobos.

The homeless are the poorest of the poor. So poor that in some instances, they have no choice but to live outdoors even in cold climates. So poor that they're only income and or meals usually come from begging. It is very sad when a person becomes homeless and has no roof over their head or food to eat. I am actually one of the individuals that at times feels sorry for these individuals especially when they are children or disabled. We can debate all day about the homeless and the role the government should play in helping to assist them. But that's not what I'm focusing on. In this blog I want to discuss the panhandling tactics of some homeless individuals.


Although I do empathize with the homeless, I guess the skeptic in me won't always allow me to give to the homeless panhandlers. I guess bottom line I don't always trust my hard earned change is going to food or shelter or whatever they've told me they need the money for. In fact, I have the perfect example. One cold winter night I was in the hood and I had a taste for White Castle's chicken rings. So, I stopped at the drive through. As I'm placing my order a homeless man comes up to the car and said "If you have any change after you pay can you help me out with getting something to eat?" Now again, anyone that knows me knows I'm a big skeptic (Ask my cousin about Cris Angel. LoL). However, since he mentioned food and it was cold out I felt I should help him out. So, I went ahead and ordered my chicken rings, an order of fries, and a White Castle's Burger aka a slider. So, I proceed to window 2 and pay and receive my food. As I get ready to pull off the man is waiting right there after the window 2. As I drive past I reach in my bag, roll down my window, and hand the man the burger.


Now I can't calculate how much change I would have had without buying that burger but it's safe to say that a $0.59 cent white castle burger was about equivalent, and possibly a little more. Well as I hand this man the burger I have the slight feeling that I've done something good. Not really to better the world but at least in this man's life for right now. But that feeling quickly turned to anger when I noticed the look on the man's face as I handed him the burger. The look on his face was almost in disgust that I gave him food as opposed to money. He just looked at me and didn't even say thank you. I was comptemplating going snatching my burger back. But I was so pissed that I said "yeah you're welcome" and just rolled up my window and quickly sped off.


I don't know about any of you, but the 2 things I hate wasting the most are time and money. I was upset that I wasted my money on this homeless man. Some may be thinking it's only $0.59 cents what's the big deal? Well the change I spent won't make or break me but it's really a matter of principal. That change could have gone into my son's piggy bank like the rest of my change usually does. But no I wasted it on a burger for someone that didn't even appreciate my effort. I hate to sound cliche but "beggars can't be choosers!!" No pun intended of course.


But that's just one experience, but I can't lie it definitely didn't make it any easier for another homeless person to get my spare change out of me. Likewise, I saw a segment on an episode of Manswers on Spike TV that had to do with professional begging. In that segment I saw some statistics that made me damn near blow a gasket. It stated that some professional beggars can earn up to $49 an hour, $300 a day, and even $78,000 a year. I was floored to think that as hard as I work it would take me almost twice as long to earn what some of the top professional beggars do. After hearing this story I was done with helping panhandlers. That 50 cents can stay in my own pocket as opposed to helping someone live better than me for free. Watch the video below.

However, there are some homeless individuals that I would consider giving to. For instance, here in Chicago a lot of the homeless will sell a newspaper called The Defender. This is a homeless publication and I believe the proceeds go to help the homeless. Now I don't have a problem giving these guys a buck from time to time. At least they're working for their money, and at least I get a newspaper for my dollar. Also, the homeless that will clean your window I sometimes don't mind giving money. Again they're working for their money. If my window is dirty and they're willing to clean it for some change then it's a fair enough deal. But I will admit that I do hate when they just come up to your car without asking and clean the windshield then expect some money. No one gave you permission to clean my window man. Maybe I wanted that bird crap stain to stay there for a while.

The bottom line is that if they're trying to get money out of me they have to do much more than just hold out a cup or tell me a sob story. In addition, just holding up a sign saying something like "Homeless please help. God Bless" isn't good enough for me either. Perhaps some of you would/will give based on these things and God Bless you for that. However, I'm talking about me here. You want this change you better come with it. LoL. I mean if you're at the strip club and a girl just stands there in front of you and doesn't even take off her clothes or dance is that enough to make you want to make it rain? Well maybe some of ya'll but not me LoL. I worked hard for this money so you're going to have to convince me that it's worth my dollar is all I'm saying. It's no different than any other transaction. Again, no pun intended but maybe they need to try to think "out of the box." LoL. But, I took the time to find a bunch of panhandling signs that are all very unique. I've commented below on them and explained how much I would give and why.

This is a very creative sign. Very colorful and attention getting. The caption is actually funny. I love how they wrote out vibrator as if the letters themselves are vibrating. I'm not too sure if I empathize with the guy though. And I'm not down with contributing to someone else's inner freak especially if I don't benefit. LoL. Maybe he should have included a picture of his wife. If she's ugly then I can understand him wanting to get her a new vibrator asap. LoL. But just based on the comedy factor I'd give him 50 cents. $1-$2 if he could produce a picture of an ugly wife. LoL.

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a gambling man. So I wouldn't be able to resist taking this guy up on his bet. I'd bet about $1. He doesn't look that fast and his knee looks to be injured so I would even be willing to give him 2:1 odds on this bet. But I believe in paying up on bets so if I lose I would definitely pay up and even let him keep the quarter. I'm sure it's probably a scam though. I would get ready to throw the quarter and his ass would be dodging quarters like The Matrix. LoL. But if I did win I couldn't see taking his money. But I would let him keep the winning quarter for being a good sport.

Man this guy has my attention already. I feel him 100%. I have been there before. When my divorce finalized I had to give up the house I had bought, fixed up and lived in for almost 5 years to my ex-wife. I was essentially homeless. Thank God my grandmother let me crash on her couch for a few weeks until I found me a new place to live. But when I think back I also thank God I had a job because if I had neither I would have been homeless for real. So to this guy I'd give him at least $5 just because I feel his pain. As the song says sometimes it's "cheaper to keep her." LoL.

This is another comical sign. We all know the story behind New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and his prostitution bust. I'm assuming this guy is in New York. So if I was in New York and saw this guy and his sign I'd give him at least $0.60 just for the laugh. I would give more but I'm not trying to contribute to his prostitution addiction especially not at that astronomical price. If I had a condom in my wallet I would throw that in the plate as well. He will need it if he ever reaches his goal.

First off is it just me or does this guy bare an eerie resemblance to the late great Issac Hayes? Well as for his sign. Depending on how my day has been going I may have to take him up on his offer and tell him off for $2. So for $2 I'd go ahead and get my vent on. First off are you hot or cold? I mean you have a leather coat with the fur on the collar but yet you have no shirt on under it and the coat is unzipped. So make up your damn mind!! Put on a shirt and cover up that taco meat on your chest. Next, get a job stop begging and work for your money!! Lastly, wake yo ass up!! LoL. I mean what have you done to make you so damn tired? It's not like you just worked a 9-5 so you have no reason to be sleep in the middle of the day. And put on some socks man!! Okay I feel better now. That was actually worth my $2. Thanks.

Well if you've ever read any of my blogs and their titles then you know that I like to use the play on words. So this sign is right up my alley. First off the guy is a big guy so he definitely looks as if he can get his eat on. So, just off the funny factor of the sign I would be willing to give him about a buck for a burger or something. He definitely doesn't look to have missed too many meals so his sign must be working. Also, is it me or is he dressed like he works at a Target? I don't know he could be suspect. Maybe he's just on his lunch break and forgot his lunch or something. I would have to pull the sign back if I see a name tag he gets nothing from me. I'm not giving anything to someone that is gainfully employed.

Okay I'm going to walk lightly on this one because I know the secret service may be reading. All I must say is that this man has some balls. So I admire his boldness. However, he was smart enough to make sure his face was blurred out of this pic. But to even whisper those words like the Ying Yang Twins can get your ass locked up if the wrong person hears you. I'm not even going to type them. The picture is clearly not of a black man so to the C.I.A. it's not me. I don't know the date of this picture but if it was recent he wouldn't get anything from me Bush will be out soon anyway. But just for saying what I'm sure a lot of Americans want to say. I'm not saying me personally for Big Brother that's watching. But to this guy I'd give him about $3 buck for his boldness alone.

Now this is another bold move. However, if I was driving along this road I'd have to thank this guy. Apparently the Sheriff's Department are doing some sort of traffic sting and this guy is giving motorist a fair warning to be prepared. So now you can slow down, buckle up, and toss any illegal drugs or guns in the stash spot. If you were ticketed for speeding or no seat belt you're looking at a ticket of at least $25 or more. And if you're riding dirty well you already know that's going to cost you your freedom. Therefore, just on potentially saving me money I'd give this guy $5. And his friend at least a dollar I'm feeling the shirt (see blog entitled 9-1-1 Is a Joke). LoL .

I don't know if this was a shameless plug or what. But I tried to put in this website address and got nothing. So maybe he was just trying to be creative. However, I'm not trying to be funny but he should have put http://www.spareteeth.com/. I see him needing that more than the change. Maybe the tooth fairy will fly past and drop something off in ya boys' cup. LoL. But he seems to be in good spirits about his situation so I would help him out with a dollar.

Okay finally!! This is what I been waiting for. Finally a panhandler that's keeping it real. No sob story here about being down on his luck or nothing to eat. He's putting it out there that he's trying to get money for not just beer, but also pot, and a hooker. Well if I came out of the liquor store from buying a case of beer and saw this sign I'd help him out. One ice cold beer from my case. About $0.75 value. Just a token of my appreciation for this man not wasting my time with a bullshit story in order to get my spare change. Enjoy the ice cold refreshing beer my friend. You'll have to get someone else to help you out with the hookers and weed.

Okay this guy is really going to the extremes to get his panhandle on. I have 2 problems with this guy's tactics. First, this guy is out of order for portraying himself as Jesus.
The robe and collection plate are way too much. Secondly, this sign is way too extreme. It's bad enough I have to worry about eternal damnation when I'm in church and pass the collection plate without contributing. But now I got this guy out on the street trying to condemn me to hell fire if I don't give to him. This guy wouldn't get a dime from me. If you read my blog (E-Mail and Text Forwards) I don't respond to scare tactics especially dealing with Hell. LoL. Also, being a black man white Jesus doesn't scare me much anyways. So, if his collection plate passed my way I'd most likely drop some chicken bones in it like Arsenio Hall on Coming To America. LoL.





So you mean to tell me someone kidnapped your wife and demanded a large ransom or they would harm your wife? Then you scraped and collected all this money to give for the ransom and when you counted it you were exactly $0.98 cents short? Man get the hell outta here. LoL. Even if that was the case if you're going to hold a sign that says your wife was kidnapped then you may as well have gone to the police. Then they would be handling the kidnapping and negotiations so you wouldn't have to be out begging for $0.98 cents. Although I give him props for attempting to be creative, he didn't think his story out well enough for him to get any money out of me. If his wife was really kidnapped I may let him use my phone to call 9-1-1 that's about it.






Hey doesn't this guy look familiar? And wait doesn't the sign look familiar too? I think it's our friend with the kidnapped wife. It's obviously a different day as he's changed clothes. Hey look even his sign has changed. He now needs $0.99 as opposed to the $0.98 cents he needed on the sign before. So did he somehow lose a penny during his attempt to scrape up the ransom money? Oh I get it, the kidnappers called and decided that the ransom wasn't high enough and decided to up it by a whole penny right? Man get this sign out of my face! I didn't fall for it the first time and now that I see you again with the same sign you're definitely not getting even that penny from me.





This sign is a nice attempt of this guy to be clever. However, the one thing he's not thinking about is that on every alcoholic beverage there is a disclaimer from the Government. "(1)According to The Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems." So in other words if you drink you will get drunk and your liver will look like a raisin in the sun if you drink too much. So the Government has done all the research necessary on alcohol and they don't need your help. Nice try though. You get an E for effort, but no money from me.

Now this sign is funny for a couple of reasons. First, I'm picturing big man here in a tight karate
outfit trying to learn kung-fu. Next, I'm trying to imagine a bunch of ninjas coming to the hood to kill this guys' family. I've been to enough hoods to know that even trained ninjas won't go there. So, if a group of individuals wearing all black killed his family I guarantee they weren't ninjas. Now if you subtract the nj from ninjas and add gg in it's place then the sign would be much more believable to me. I know I'm joking about someone's family being killed but I'm following his lead he's the one with smiley faces on the sign. I got a good laugh on this one $0.60 cents from me.

Another keeping it real sign. "Why lie I need a beer." Truer words could not have been spoken. I have to feel him on this one. Who doesn't need a beer from time to time? Again, if I had a beer on me I would definitely be willing to share with this man. Plus it looks hot out so I'm sure the cold beer would cool him off.

Again this guy is keeping it real. However, beer is one thing. I'm not going to support someone's drug habit. I know you're probably like you'll help destroy someone's liver but not their brain from drugs. Well yes it's a double standard but I have that right to choose where my money goes. I'm not forcing the beer down the man's throat. LoL. But back to this sign. I like the fact he is admitting he's not even homeless. If I were homeless and saw his sign I'd come over there and kick his ass. He's taking away from me being able to eat when he just wants to get high.

So the moral to this story a panhandler must be clever and creative to maximize their opportunity for getting money, especially from me. But hell, if a top notch professional beggar can make $78,000 a year then I'm definitely in the wrong profession. I am actually in the process of looking for a new job. So, Don't be surprised if you're walking downtown one day and you see me holding a "Will Rap For Food" sign. I'll have a portable CD player playing my debut CD "Ripped from the Headlines" and have copies of the album for sale (album coming soon, shameless plug I know). But at least I'll be selling you something and not just begging. But for real if you see your boy out there show me a little bit of support. Even if you don't buy a cd I'll spit a hot 16 for you for your spare change. LoL.

--C-Recks--

(Crank Dat Homeless Man)

Man Up!!! Part 10

It's that time again. I know you've been waiting all week but the time is now. Today's Man Ups Rules will be dedicated to grooming. Remember this blog represents what we consider to be Man Up Rules. So, each week we'll add to the list just based off of our observations and perspectives. So be sure to check back weekly. Note: Most rules apply to men/boys age 13 and older (except where noted). Also, the rules are in no particular order.

Man Up Rule #37:

There is nothing wrong with trimming your eyebrows (manscaping) especially if they look anything like this guy's (Image 1). However, there is no reason for your eyebrows to have a better arch than the one in St. Louis (Image 2). If women are coming up to you asking who does your eyebrows then something is wrong.

(Image 1)

(Image 2)

Man Up Rule #38:

Speaking of grooming. When a man is getting ready to go out it should never take him more than an hour tops to get ready. Women have to shower, do their hair, do their make up, find an outfit, then find shoes, then iron, etc. All a man has to do is shower, maybe shave, iron and get dressed. I'm sure most men probably skip half these steps. But there is no excuse for a man to take hours to get ready to go somewhere. Get your ass out the mirror!! Your woman has finished getting ready and is waiting on you (Image 2).

(Image 2)

Man Up Rule #39:

No woman likes a man with grimy dirty finger nails. So feel free to clean and trim your nails as needed. The whole clear nail polish is still up in the air for now. So those that do that are temporarily safe. However, the length of your nails should never reach that of a woman's. Even if you can't afford nail clippers then bite them!! There is an exception, you may have 1 long nail that can be used to easily open up certain cigars. Ya'll know what we talking about. LoL.

To Be Continued...

Brothers' Perspective

--C-Recks--

--Driza Dre--

100 Dials and Runnin'

Hey, how ya doing. I'm sorry you can't get through. Just leave your name, and your number, and I'll get back to you
Ring Ring Ring - De La Soul

Imagine with me a scene that gets played out across America thousands of times a day. A man is relaxing with a cold beverage, probably something involving hops. As he lifts his beverage, a phone rings. Nonchalantly, he reaches for his cell phone. "Ah, that can wait. I'll call her back", After setting the phone to ignore, he resumes his intimate moment with his beverage. As the bottle hits his lips, the phone rings again. Looking at the phone he says "damn". Hitting ignore again, the moment with his tasty beverage is almost completely ruined. He thinks to himself "she can't call again. No, she just can't". With nervousness, the man again reaches for his drink. As sure as the sun rises every morning, the man's phone rings again. A precious moment with his beloved beverage completely ruined.

Now this may seem completely irrelevant to anything, but I challenge you to dig into your mental archive. Have you ever been interrupted from something super important by your cell phone? Of course you have. Well, there are two types of cell phone violations that I would like to discuss with you. Let's refer these as "the serial dialer" and their sidekick "text message recon".

I have to be honest with you, when I signed my cell phone contract, I didn't read the terms and conditions. (So as my brother put it in an earlier blog, I'll see ya'll on the plantation). However, there's one part of the cell phone/owner relationship that I don't quite understand. How is it that simply because I own a cell phone, I have automatically given permission to any and everyone who can dial my number to call me at any time. (Again, must be in the good T&C). Now I am not an anti-social individual, but there are occasions in which even a mild-mannered person such as myself can be pushed to my limit.


The Serial Dialer

The scenario played out earlier is the classic example of the serial dialer. A serial dialer is someone who calls frequently within a short amount of time. I'd say at least twice within 120 seconds. The reason this individual is dangerous is the fact that they mimic what is normally a special circumstance. When you receive two or three or more calls in rapid succession, what's your immediate reaction? "Oh my God, something bad has happened". Well not when a Serial Dialer has your number. See the serial dialer is aware of the fact that you're probably ignoring their phone call. So what does someone do when they really want to get you on the phone? Mimic an emergency! Ding, Ding, Ding! And how pissed off are you if you decide to answer that third phone call in 90 seconds, and the person on the the other end responds "What's Up"?

If you allow me to play amateur Psychologist, let me try and analyze the mind of "The Serial Dialer". See, when the average person makes a phone call, they may have important news to share with you, or information that they need from you. Probably no different from the Repeat Dialer. If the average person gets someone's voice mail, they either go ahead and leave a message or they hang up and figure "Ah hell, they'll see that they missed my call". It is this thought process that separates the Serial Dialer from everyone else.

When the Serial Dialer gets your voice mail, their immediate thought is probably "Damn, maybe they didn't hear the phone ring", or something of the type. So they decide that they should try you again. If that call is unsuccessful, and they get your voice mail, now they're probably upset. Again as an amateur psychologist, my interpretation is that the Serial Dialer has now been offended. The "maybe they didn't hear the phone ring" now becomes " how dare he (she) not answer my call". It is at this point and time that the Serial Dialer will try and make it their mission to achieve contact between themselves and their unwitting victim. Next is one of the Serial Dialer's tactical weapons.

Text Message Recon

It normally starts as something innocuous. Let's say a text message that comes in saying "Good Morning". Not bad. You say to yourself, "Oh, so and so was thinking about me. That's cool." So you shoot them back a text message returning the greeting. Well under normal circumstances that may be the end of the exchange. If you are dealing with a Serial Dialer, you've just allowed yourself to be victimized again.

Text Message Recon is a term that I have coined in which a person sends you a text message and once you have responded, they now know that you are in proximity of your phone. And shortly there after, the phone calls begin. Again amateur psychologist at play, text message recon is just another tool by which a serial dialer can gain access to your life. The only difference is that once you've responded to their text message, you now actually have some explaining to do if you choose not to answer the subsequent phone calls. All I can say is be very aware when responding to text messages sent by someone that's you've already deemed a serial dialer.

If this seems harsh, I apologize. We are all a product of our experiences, and to just let you know, I've always had a huge problem with Serial Dialers. It all started in the early 90's. There was a young lady who got my phone number. That's where the first problem arose. I never gave her my number! She got my number from her little sister who happened to be friends with my little brother. I guess her sister told her about me, and this chick was on fire to talk to me. So the calls started coming. My immediate reaction to this chick is "she sounds like a dude". But as normal, my problem is that I'm too nice. I should have snapped off on this chick and told her never to call again. (Its just not in my nature). So LaQuanna (her actual government) decided that I was her boyfriend. And when you have a boyfriend at the age of 14, what do you do? You call them all the time. LaQuanna would call so much that my equally mild mannered mother had to pick up the phone, and let this little girl know that she really need to stop calling my house. (Thanks moms, you were more man than I was)!

Well LaQuanna finally got the message. The phone calls tailed off. I never did actually get a chance to see LaQuanna. But as it turned out, I had a friend in high school who knew LaQuanna. Well lets just say that she informed me that the voice over the phone might have been more attractive than the rest of her. (Beaten repeatedly with an ugly stick was a term that I do believe she used in her description). As you can see, I have been victimized time and time again by serial dialers. I send this out as a word of caution to the rest of you. Serial Dialers are real.

If you're reading this and you know a serial dialer, be very careful to stay off their radar.

If you know you have potential to be a serial dialer, think of the impact you serial dialing has on the other person. If they're your friends or family, just take comfort in the fact that they're not going anywhere. You can call once! Eventually they'll return your call.

If you're already a serial dialer, get some help. Dialer's Anonymous or something.

Until next time...


Drizadre

P.S. Girlfriends/wives and mothers are always exempt from from the term serial dialer. Actually, they are the only people who have a vested interest in knowing where you are and what you're doing when you're out of their sight. You can hit me up anytime mom. Lol

The Mother Load

A couple of weeks ago I was at work and dealing with an irate customer over the phone. This is probably an every day occurrence in my line of work. So, it's nothing for me to maintain my professionalism while being verbally badgered by customers. This particular customer had his car repossessed and was upset because when he got his car back he had no license plates. So, he was going off about the fact that he couldn't drive his car with no plates. As I'm trying my best to help this customer he starts speaking Spanish in the back ground. Now I'm in no way fluent in the Espanol language. However, I did use to live in California for about 7 years. During those years a lot of my friends in school were Hispanic. So, I picked up on a lot of Spanish words that I still can recall. Fortunately/Unfortunately, those particular words happen to be mainly the curse words.

So as I'm explaining to him the procedure he must go through in order to get his plates, I can hear him saying in Spanish MF this, F**k that, B**ch this, A-Hole that. Now again, I sometimes deal with irate customers on a daily so phone bullies don't bother me because any one can be big and bad over the phone. However, when I over heard him say in Spanish "F**k your Mother" well let's just say at that point a nerve was officially struck. In an attempt to maintain my professionalism I had to hang up on that customer. Although the black in me wanted to serve his ass with a few choice words of my own, I was able to hold back in an effort to keep my job. Brother got child support and bills to pay. LoL.

I honestly had to think about the last time I even had someone say something about my mom. It had been quite a long time. I want to say around 5th grade. But it was only because for some reason other kids would come to me to come up with good "Yo Momma" jokes. I won't front a was pretty good but I'll admit most of my good ones were stolen. The ones I came up with personally were not as funny. LoL. But back then it was fun to joke and talk about someone's mother. At least it wouldn't come to blows in the end. So I'm sure that I had my mother talked about and talked about even more mothers. But I remember I used to get em' with some of the classics like these:



Yo Momma So fat she jumped in the sky and got stuck!
Yo Momma So fat she stepped on a rainbow and made a pack of skittles!
Yo Momma So broke she can't pay attention!
Yo Momma So black she went to night school and was counted absent!
Yo Momma So old her Social Security Number is 1!
Yo Momma So stupid it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.

If you sit back and think about the impact of someone saying "Yo Momma!" it would amaze you. But why is that the one of the top things that can set damn near anyone off? Here's another example. My mother was talking with my son recently. Whatever they were discussing she told him something like "you need to ask yo momma and yo daddy." Well he's only 4 and probably has never experienced having his momma talked about. However, his response to my mother was "what you say about my momma?" We couldn't help but to laugh. But that just goes to show you that hearing someone say "Yo Momma" is enough to get a rise out you even at 4 years old.



Unfortunately I can't go into the history of "Yo Momma" jokes and enlighten you on who delivered the first diss to someone's momma. However, remember when people talked about you when you were a kid, what was usually your mom's favorite response? "So what they talked about Jesus!!" Therefore, that leads me to conclude that if they talked about Jesus I'm pretty sure that someone talked about Jesus' mother as well. I'm sure this one was a popular one back then. I could hear them now "Yo Momma aint no virgin." LoL.

Well it really boils down to the connection between mother and children. She carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you, and then raised you. So how can you not be protective of dear old mom? Although it's never funny when someone talks about your momma, I will admit it's pretty damn funny when someone else's mom is talked about. In fact, hearing someone's mother get talked about is so entertaining MTV even came up with a show dedicated to just that, talking about other people's mothers. The subtly titled "Yo Momma" pins contestants against each other to see who can deliver the best punchlines, jokes, and disses toward their opponents.

Even rappers have capitalized on the fascination of talking about people's mothers. Most people remember the rap group Pharcyde for their hit single "Passin' Me By." However, Passin' Me By was their 2nd single. The group's debut single was actually a comical song entitled "Ya Mama." The song title was pretty self explanatory as the group basically went back and forth talking about someone's mother. More recently Chicago rap group Hotstylz did a song entitled "Yo Mama." But I'll take the original Pharcyde version any day of the week over this version. In my opinion this gong sounds just like their other single "Lookin' Boy" except on a different beat. But you can be the judge.

(Pharcyde - Ya Mama)

(Hotsylz - Yo Mama)

So if you ever find yourself playing the dozens like in the clip below from the show In Living Color now you know to go for the jugular like a vampire. In this case, the jugular being their momma. Just make sure you come correct with your punchlines. I don't want to hear anyone using my old 5th grade punchlines trying pretend like you just made them up. LoL. Finally, to that customer don't think that I forgot about you. I may not have gotten to say it to you over the phone but I certainly will now. Yo Momma is so hairy that she uses a riding lawn mower to shave her back. Matter of fact she hires you and your brothers to come by weekly and landscape it for her. To any Hispanic readers please don't take offense because in actuality the customer did work for a lawn service. LoL. (Oh and that wasn't stolen I made it up all by myself).

(In Living Color)

(White Chicks)

--C-Recks--

Only In The Hood

Although I live in the suburbs I was born and raised in the "hood" for a good portion of my life. I have friends and family that still live in the "hood." So, at times I find myself driving through the hood. Well if you've ever been in the hood or through the hood then you know that there are some very unique things that you will observe and won't see anywhere else. So, I've taken the time to compile a list of things you will see "Only In the Hood." This may be an on going segment so please look for more to come. But I'll be your ghetto tour guide so sit back and relax as we explore the hood. By the way, if any of you have never been to the hood you may want to pay close attention. If you happen to be driving and you notice any of the things listed below that means you're in the hood and you may want to turn your ass around quickly. Do Not Pass Go do not collect $200. LoL.

(DJ Khaled - "I'm So Hood" Remix)

Bootleg Movies/CDs

Going to the movies is expensive now a days. Even a matinee will cost you $7. But who really goes to the movies alone? So, add another $7 for your date then popcorn/refreshments and you've easily spent close to $30 or more to watch one movie. Also, what does a new CD cost? About $10-$16? Well luckily in any hood you can find someone selling bootleg movies/CDs. If you are unable to find anyone just look for your local barbershop or beauty salon. If they're not inside then just ask one of the barbers or beauticians most likely someone has their number in their phone. As far as prices go, most times you can get 3 for $20 and if your negotiation skills are up to par you will pay even less. My rule when buying is pull out only what you are willing to spend. If you got $10 say I need the 3 for $10. Trust me if they can make $10 and it's right in they're face they're not going to turn it down. But if you pull out a $20 bill and say I need change they're going to want the whole $20. *Warning* Don't purchase any bootleg Movie or CD expecting top notch quality. Sometimes they have the portable DVD players so you can view before you buy, which I do advise you do. Because trust me the movies can have anything from babies crying, cats meowing, to people laughing and walking past the screen. Also, that new Lil' Wayne The Carter III CD will most likely have songs from The Carter I & II mixed in with the new songs. So be forewarned.

Loose Squares (Cigarettes)

I don't smoke cigarettes but I do know that smoking is an expensive ass habit. Here in the Chi I'm sure with the new Cook County Sales Tax most are paying well over $6 a pack. It's sad when an illegal habit (i.e. smoking a $5 nickel bag of weed) is cheaper. But luckily in the Hood someone has already spent the $6 for a pack of cigarettes. So, if you happen to be craving a smoke just listen for the person yelling "Loose Squares!!" Now if someone spent $6 for a box of 20 cigarettes that's about $0.30 cents per cigarette. But you're going to come out of pocket with at least $1 if you're trying to get one of these loosies. Your best bet is to negotiate and try to get maybe 3 for $2. The same negotiation rules apply. Exact change only!! Oh and don't expect a huge variety of cigarette brands to choose from. Newport is the Hood favorite so that's what you'll be getting when buying a loose square.

Speed Humps

Now you're probably thinking speed bumps are everywhere. Well the hood is the only place I've seen speed humps on residential streets. Some blocks have 2 or 3 of them on that one block. I don't know exactly what brought about these speed humps. Perhaps people were speeding so much that residents complained and this was the answer. But I think more than anything this was a tactic to help police. No one wants to be running from the police driving 50+ mph and hit one of these speed humps. That's one car chase that will end quite quickly and leave your front end pretty messed up.

Liquor Store near a Church

Only in the hood have I seen a Church that is on the same block as a Liquor Store. Sometimes they're so close they're practically next door. This is the old chicken and egg theory so I couldn't tell you which came first. But it's one of the biggest contradictions there can be. I get it though. You come from church where they preach about Saint John and then you go to the liquor store to get a 40 oz. of St. Ides. Or you go from listening to the Old Testament and then grab you a 40 of Old English. Or after hearing about his crown of thorns you get you a bottle of Crown Royal. I can go on all day. But you get the point. LoL!

Food Stamp/Link Card Hook Up

Even groceries are more expensive these days. However, if you find yourself in the store shopping and have a cart full of items be on the look out. You know that your grocery bill is going to easily be $100 or more. But if someone walks by looks in your cart and asks you are you paying in cash don't be alarmed. Hear them out. This little conversation may actually save you some money. And who doesn't like to save money? So how does it work? Well the person that asked you that question will say let me pay for your groceries on my Link Card. They will say if you have $100 worth of groceries you can pay me $75 in cash to use my Link Card. Now don't forget your negotiation skills because if they said $75 you can easily get them to $60. All you have to say is that you were going to pay with your debit/credit card and you only have $60 in cash. Trust me they will take it. However, here's the other rule. Make sure the person walks through the line with you and after all the groceries are rang up and the total displays have them run their card through and input the pin and make sure the transaction is approved first. Once it is and your groceries are bagged and in the cart then you can pay them the money. Keep in mind the link will only cover food/beverage items (liquor doesn't count). **Warning** You may want to have the grocery bagger carry your groceries out to the car, because you don't want the same person that gave you the hook up to hit you over the head in the parking lot and make off with your groceries and the $60.

The Best Chicken

I'm not talking about fake ass KFC chicken. Other than your momma or grand momma's fried chicken the best chicken will always be found in the hood. Whether it's Harold's Chicken (Chicago), Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles (Los Angeles), or Mr. P's (Memphis). If you want some good chicken go to the hood and ask someone where the best chicken is and they will let you know. But please keep a couple things in mind when visiting these fine establishments. One, they may appear to be a hole in the wall, but don't judge the chicken by the look of the building inside or out. And two, don't expect great or even moderate service. Again, you're not paying for good service or a good looking building, you're paying for great chicken. If you can keep these things in mind you'll get to taste some of the best chicken money can buy. On a side note, if you want great service you won't find it at any restaurant in the hood fast food or otherwise. LoL.

Undercover Police Cars

I'm sure I'm not the only one that hates when they see a Ford Crown Victoria and thinks it's the cops so you either slow down, stash your weed, guns, drink etc for nothing. Lol. Although under cover cop cars are not just in the hood, you will see a good number of them while you ride throughout the hood blocks. But you better not get caught doing any illegal activity when they ride past they don't call them the "Jump Out Boys" for nothing. Oh and here's a hood fact for those of you that don't know, the best way to tell if it's really a cop car is by the license plates. The plate numbers will usually start with a green M.

Police Cameras

Speaking of Police. They no longer have to patrol every block in the hood as frequently. Many Police Departments now have an eye in the sky to assist them. So if you're driving through the hood at night and see a blue light above the lamp post blinking don't worry you didn't see a shooting star or a UFO it's simply the police camera. Now I don't know how much of a crime deterrent these cameras are but you'll find them strategically placed on "high crime" blocks and neighborhoods. However, there have been plenty of times where I've driven through the hood and as I pass the police camera all is quiet on the home front. But as soon as I turn the corner of the next block I see plenty of illegal activity going on. (I was vague so I'm not snitchin. LoL). **Warning** For those of you that are involved in illegal activity remember that these cameras can zoom in up to several blocks away. So don't think that if you're 2 blocks away doing what you do that it can't see you.

Target: Rat Signs

Ever since I was born my grandmother has lived in the same house. There is an alley right next to her house. And since I can remember even up until recently they have had this sign on the telephone pole. Although I've seen plenty of "hood rats," in the 28 years I've been around this house I have never a rat in this alley. Nor have I ever seen one in any Chicago alley. I guess the targeting is working. Good Job Mayor Daley maybe the head of the rat targeting should be the Police Chief. Actually, the only time I have seen a rat was in one of the lower parts of downtown Chicago.

Ignorant Rims

"Only in the Hood" will you see a car with rims that are bigger and taller than your average 5 year old. What is the fascination is with these rims? Well your guess is as good as mines. It doesn't really make sense to me to have to carry a step ladder with you just to get in and out of your car, but hey everyone is free to waste and spend their money as they feel. If nothing else the owner of these rims has definitely achieved their goal of being seen. Is a car like this even street legal?

Children Fundraising

You're probably thinking awww what's wrong with children raising funds for their schools or sports teams? Well if I could verify that's where my funds were going then I wouldn't have a problem donating and supporting. However, I've driven through the hood and stopped at plenty intersections and had kids ask me to donate to their sports team. Now the first problem I have is not a one of these kids has on a jersey, pair of cleats, team hat, or anything representing the sports team their collecting money for. Not even a damn Bulls or Cubs jersey come on! All they have is an old tootsie roll bank or jar with white paper around it and something scribbled on it. So, I don't know if I'm contributing towards team uniforms or to some kid's new pair of Jordans. Now some of the kids I've seen at least have the fundraiser box of M&Ms and they give you a pack for $1. Although those fundraiser boxes can be purchased at any Sam's Club, at least you're getting something for your money. I remember one time years ago I saw some kids collecting money to help their momma go to the Million Woman March. True Story!!

Ghetto Entrepreneurs

Some may call them Street Vendors but in the hood you can call them Hustle Man or the PC term I came up with Ghetto Entrepreneurs. Basically at any given busy intersection in the hood you're liable to find these individuals selling almost anything you can think of. I already mentioned a few of them earlier, the loose cigarettes and the bootleg movies/CDs. But other examples I've seen for sale are as follows: Bean Pies, Final Call Newspapers, The Chicago Tribune, candy, socks, towels, t-shirts, framed pictures, etc. Also, they are very opportunistic so they won't hesitate to take advantage of an opportunity. For instance, if it's hot outside they have cold water and or pop/soda. If it's a holiday like Mother's Day or Valentines Day they will have flowers and teddy bears for sale. If the city's sports team wins a championship they have plenty t-shirts, hat, and team memorabilia for sale. The funny thing is that on some intersections you will have up to 5 or more different hustle men selling different things. Not to mention the kids "raising" money for their team and at least one bum panhandling. Don't ask me how they all get along out there perhaps Rodney King would know. But good thing it's not drugs they are selling because I don't think most dealers like sharing corners.

Hood Sports

In the hood most parents have little or no resources to provide sports equipment for their children. However, as you know a kid is going to find a way to play regardless. Sometimes it just takes a little innovation. That's how a milk crate with the bottom broken out or a wire hanger bent into a circle can become a basket ball hoop. Or that's how some old extension cords can become jump ropes. Also, this is how a stick can become a base ball bat. I remember my brother and I broke my aunt's broom using it as a bat once. We got our asses whooped of course but we had a ball playing with it. Last time I was in the hood I drove past a group of kids (one being my little cousin) playing hockey in the street. They were using an empty water bottle as a puck and everyone had something different as their hockey stick. My cousin had a single crutch. It was funny and sad to think that somewhere someone was hobbling around looking for their other crutch. LoL. Guess this is why I should donate to the kids' sports teams more often huh?

Crackheads aka Hypes

Well I saved the best for last. Now I know you were all wondering when I was going to get to them the whole time you were reading this? How could I forget about the crackheads? They're like what makes the Hood go round. Just as they say there's one in every family so you better believe that I'm not exempt. So, when I speak it's from a personal level. With that said although crackheads are every where there is an abundant number of them in the Hood. Why, do you ask? Well it's simple that's where the drugs are. A hype will steal from their own momma (I've seen it done) to get money for their next fix. So, if you come across one of these unique inividuals you never quite know what the encounter will be like. They will sell any and everything in order to raise capital to fund their habit. I've come across hypes selling all kinds of items. Whether it be food stamps as previously mentioned, or actual food. Here's a random list of items I've seen hypes selling in no particular order: Shoes (not new shoes I'm talking a pair off of someone's feet), half way working TV sets, DVDs, VCRs, food out of the freezer, used clothing, appliances, furniture, perscription glasses, purses, wallets, gloves, coats, etc. You name it a crackhead has probably stolen and sold it. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has purchased merchandise from a crackhead. Hell, Some of you may be reading this blog on a computer you bought from a crackhead. But I'm not mad at you one bit unfortunately someone else's loss can be your gain. Now I know we've discussed negotiation skills throughout this blog. But when dealing with a hype you need to just remember 2 things. Low Ball the hell out of em'!! With the other negotiations the other person you were dealing with had a totatlly different mentatilty. However, this is crackhead mentality you're dealing with so if they want $20 then you offer no more than $5. If they want $50 then you offer no more than $20. You get the idea. Basically, there may be some haggling back and forth but once you low ball them you've established that you're not paying over a certain amount. So the likely response to your initial offer will be "come on man you can give me at least $10 you know this TV is at least worth that." Feel free to either accept or counter offer here. But as always make sure you have exact change for the transaction.

That concludes our Hood Tour. Come back soon we'll be adding more attractions. In closing, I'll leave you with a few comedic interpretations of crackheads and how they act.

(Crackhead Night)

(Menace II Society)

(Tyrone Biggums)

--C-Recks--