Monday, June 9, 2008

When in Rome... Don't eat Italian!

Someone I used to know would always ask when we went to a good Chinese restaurant, " I wonder if the Chinese food in China is better than it is over here"? Well those thoughts cross our minds about a lot of things. Are the Playstations in Japan better? Is the Guinness in Ireland tastier? Well for me, one of my questions was always "are the Bratwursts better in Milwauke"? Well people, lets just say that if Milwaukee's bratwurst is any indication, I won't be booking any flights to Dublin or Tokyo anytime soon.

Here's a little background information.

I am a huge baseball fan. (Chicago Cubs Baby! Don't laugh, we're just on that 100 year rebuilding plan). And whenever I get a chance, I like to hit a game at a new ballpark. And when I go, I require 3 things. First, I have to check out the stadium's architecture. Second, I gotta check out a brew, ok, maybe 2. And third, I need a bratwurst.

So imagine my excitement that I had the opportunity to hit Milwaukee's Miller Park! As Homer would say, hmmmmmm, bratwurst! I mean, come on. These are the people who have a race in which grown adults (probably who have had too much Miller) run around in costumes that represent a hot dog, an italian sausage, a polish sausage, a chorizo that's not very politically correct, and of course my beloved bratwurst.

So its the top of the 4th inning. After imbibing a couple cocktails, I decided I'd hit the concession stand and grab my brat. First problem, the concession line was entirely too long. It literally took me an inning and a half to get to the front of the line. And upon my arrival to the front of the line, I ordered a bratwurst, and a Large Miller High Life.

What happened next could only be described as blasphemous in certain circles. The man handed me a foil wrapped bratwurst in a bun. Already cooked and sitting! Now I know some of you are probably saying "so what, take the brat, and go on ahead with your long head". (As my grandfather would say). Well to those people, stop reading right now! I'm serious, your attention is no longer required. For the rest of you who know what good eating is, I'm sorry but this story only gets more grotesque.

So I take this piece of crap bratwurst, and open the foil. I had to actually view this thing. See to me, a true bratwurst comes off the grill, not out a bun warmer. This man handed me a plain bratwurst and bun. I proceeded to ask him, "where are the onions and peppers"? He says, "we have onions over there". Now this was another faux paux. The onions are over there? No the onions should be over here. Along with the peppers. On the goddamn grill with the Bratwurst!
Instead I settled for raw onions on this warmed over bratwurst. I had half a mind to take the bratwurst, onions and all, and the lukewarm Miller High Life and start a food fight with the members of my friendly ballpark concession stand. However, since I didn't have bail money, I instead decided to put it in a blog. (Hell, this is the 21st century, why not act civilized).

So here's what I say to you Milwaukee. I know the Brewers suck. And yes, the main reasons we know Wisconsin even exists is because everyone loves cheese, and some sorry excuse for a football team keeps showing up at Soldier Field with these ridiculously obscene green and gold uniforms. But there is no excuse for what you served me at your ballpark. Take a lesson from your tailgaters. We passed good grills on the way into the Park. Their Brats made your oven warmed brats look about as appealing as Vienna sausages. (Real short)!

So in closing to all you beer swigging, bratwurst loving baseball fans such as myself, avoid Miller Park. Stick to places like Wrigley Field. We know how to take care of you. And besides, at least you'll be watching a winning team. Well, this season anyway.

Legal Disclaimer - Reading this blog does not entitle you to watching a baseball game with any predetermined outcome. The possibility of a Cubs victory can be subject to but not limited to one or more of the following: the presence of black cats, a billygoat that may be denied park entry, nerdy looking fans that may reach for a foul ball, pole shift, alien invasion, spontaneous combustion, terrorist attacks, Hillary Clinton, global warming, or anything else that the sadistic Baseball Gods can throw at the Chicago Cubs.

GO CUBS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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