Friday, January 30, 2009

Hell's (to the naw) Kitchen

I like to consider myself to be a man of many talents. Some I utilize daily, while others just every once and a while. And of course like every one there are some things I am not too good at. So with that said, there is something I have something to admit. This may shock some of you, but I'll explain in further detail as you keep reading. So here's it is [cue dramatic music]...

I don't Cook!

Yes I know a shocker right? LoL. So you're probably thinking 1 of 2 things. Do I not cook because I don't know how to or because I am just lazy? Well I would say it is a little combination of the 2. Whenever asked whether I can cook I always reply "just the basics." So that means your basic chicken, fried or baked and any ready made meals involving browning ground beef. Also, Breakfast items: pancakes, french toast, eggs, etc. So you get it just the basics. As basic as those meals are I honestly won't even cook them.

As for my admitted laziness, I feel I have a right to be. I get up every morning and slave for the man. When I get off work I want to do 2 things, and neither involves slaving over a hot stove. First, I want to relax and second I want a nice cold beer to sip on. I know it's pretty sad (don't judge me. Lol). Even though I may not look like it, what's even sadder is that I love to eat. LoL. However, if I have to get up and cook it, 9 times out of 10 it's just not going to happen. Thank God for fast food. For further clarification here's my schedule. During the week I'm a single bachelor and as long as there is a nearby restaurant I will definitely eat. Now on the weekends I have my son. But not to worry he's not subjected to scarfing down the fast food that I normally eat. On the weekends my mom pays a visit and my son and I both get some good ol' home cookin'. Trust me he should be grateful for grandmothers, I've also tasted his mom's cooking. LoL. So as you can see there's a good balance for the most part. Lol.

Now if you want to know how often I cook let me share this funny story. About a year ago my brother was in town. Me him and my mom were at my place. Prior to getting off of work and they called me asking me to pick up some buns for some Sloppy Joe's they were making. So, as I come in from work I grab my brew and chill for a few minutes and watch TV with my mom and bro. They were pretty into whatever they were watching. Normally I would wait for one of them to cook, but for some reason that day I was hungrier than average and was ready to eat.

Determined not to starve, I got up and went to the kitchen. The ground beef was already out. So I threw it in the pan and started to brown the meat. Well about 5 minutes later the meat starts to sizzle. That's when I hear my brother from the living room "What are you doing Man!?!" I yelled back "I'm making these Sloppy Joe's man." The next thing I know my mom starts busting up laughing. So I step out of the kitchen and ask them "what's so funny?" My mom has a big smile on her face and my brother is sort of shaking his head in defeat. My mom says "we'll tell you once you finish cooking."

So I finished browning the meat, added the Sloppy Joe mix, a little seasoning, and it was done. I grabbed some buns and made me a couple Sloppy Joe sandwiches. After I finished eating they began to explain the laughter. Apparently they had made a bet. (Keep in mind competition and betting is somehow embedded in us). The bet was that I wouldn't cook at least 3 meals by my next birthday. My mom was betting for me while my brother bet against me. The bet had been going on I believe since like September of that year 2007. Well prior to this Sloppy Joe meal my mom had gained a significant advantage. Thanksgiving 2007 we all cooked separate dishes. I tried to get out of it, but my mom persuaded me to make the dressing (see pic to left). Then when Christmas came around the following month I made the macaroni & cheese and the dressing again. Therefore, when I began making the Sloppy Joe's I clenched the win for my mom. Moms was able to double up on a previous $20 bet with my brother winning her $40 because of that meal. LoL.

Well fast forward to 2009. I'm not really a New Year's resolution type person, so I don't write down what I want to do throughout the new year. However, I make small mental notes of things I want to accomplish and or do in the new year. I find it easier for me especially in case I don't them done. That way I don't have that list staring at me daily come the end of the year. So I made a mental note to perhaps, maybe, possibly start cooking more. LoL. Then a couple weeks ago I watched one of Darius' Every Day Cookin' videos. Wow!! All I can say is he make it all look so easy and beyond appetizing. I was dead set on trying it out. But unfortunately, it didn't happen. But I figured maybe one of these days. LoL.

Well that day came much sooner than expected. After I recently told a friend about an upcoming date, she suggested that I cook for my date. It took some convincing and encouraging, but she got me to do it. She even coached me through the process via phone. The result? Well despite my apprehension at first, you can see for yourself below the meal turned out fine. No burns or mishaps. Also, it tasted good. My date concurred that the meal was good as well. She also suggested that I could cook for her again. LoL. So overall I say it was a success!! So, with my first meal of the year in the books hopefully # 2 will be even better. I'll keep you guys updated.

Menu: Bow Tie Chicken Pasta, Steamed Broccoli & Garlic Toast.

White Merlot Wine.

Special Thanks to my chef mentor! LoL.

--C-Recks-- aka The Ghetto Chef Cor R D. LoL

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Child Abuse

By the title of this post you're probably automatically thinking that I'm referring to some sort of physical or verbal child abuse. First off I must say that I am in no way making a joke or mockery of child abuse. However, as horrible as those types of child abuse are, I think there is a child abuse that is over looked. Whenever, I see this behavior exhibited I want to immediately get on the horn and call DCFS. There are certain parents that suffer from what I'm going to refer to as: IknowyougotnotalentbutIdon'twannahurtyourfeelings. I would form that into an acronym but it would probably look like something my son typed. (IKYGNTBIDWHYF) LoL. For an example please check out the video below.

We've all seen it, season after heart wrenching season on the show American Idol. the new season just began earlier this month. I like some of you, used to look forward to this show just to see the opening weeks auditions. I just wanted to get a quick laugh at the talentless individuals that make fools of themselves. Well probably 3 or 4 seasons ago I could not take any more. I just had to ask myself where are these kids parents at? Although it's funny to watch, it's really more sad than anything. It began to feel like I was watching a child get beat over and over. I mean I've seen a kid or 20 get spanked before in my lifetime. Initially it's pretty funny (don't judge me for laughing), but to see them get spanked over and over and over eventually saddens me.

Whenever I watch the show auditions I'm always left wondering who let them go on this show? I mean who heard them sing and actually encouraged them to go audition? Well if it was friends I don't fault them. Maybe they just wanted a good laugh or something to blog about. However, when I see the parents consoling their crying kid after Simon rips them a new one, I just have to Shake My Head. Then it amazes me that the parents have the nerve to get upset and say that "the judges are wrong and can't recognize talent if it bit them in the ass."

Well I have a message to those parents. Yes we all love our kids and we want them to think they are the best and encourage them to be the best at any and everything they do. However, as parents we must be realistic. At a certain age (I would say by the teenage years) this has to stop. By this age you and your child(ren) should be able to understand that there are some things they're great at, some they're just average at, and some thins they just suck at. Therefore, when you hear them sing and you can barely stand it, what makes you think others will enjoy it?

Unfortunately, I don't know what all of my son's talents hidden talents will be 10 years from now. His grand dad taught him to play drums. So, I know at 5 he can already play a mean set of drums already. And when I say play I mean like really play not just banging them to make noise. I was amazed when I first saw him doing this. As a producer, I can play the hell out of a drum machine and make a tight beat (See Left). However, I'm not coordinated enough to play a set of drums. Lol. Also, I wish I could put it on here, but I got pics and video of him lip [rapping] syncing to a song and holding this microphone. Sorry, but I got a rule about not posting pics or videos of my son anywhere online. But trust me It's too hilarious. I've never taught him any of this showmanship, but I can see he's a natural performer.

In the end I think it boils down to if you love your kids you have to love them enough to be honest with them. Yes it may be hard for me to sit my son down and tell him that he's not that talented in a certain thing. However, I would rather him hear it from me someone that loves him, than someone that loves them. It's far better than letting him go on TV in front of millions of people to only embarrass his damn self. I would be more than glad to help him develop whatever the talent he lacks skills in. But to fill his heads with lies knowing he is no good to me would be child abuse.

Speaking of abuse. No offense but even Joe Jackson's non parenting ass had sense to beat his kids until their talents were flawless. LoL. Now that is truly not funny and of course extreme. But I tend to just think of it in terms of your child liking or being in love with a girl or guy that you clearly see just isn't into them. They obviously don't see it, but are you going to sit back and let their heart constantly be broken over and over as they get rejected by that person? Or are you going to Man Up and just say hey son or daughter they're not into you like you are them. But don't worry you're wonderful regardless and there are others [talents] that will appreciate you the way that you should be? But then again perhaps it's just me and my keep it real mind state.

Well to all you American Idol fans have fun watching the new season I'm sure there will be plenty laughs to be had at more talentless kid's expenses. But don't feel bad when you're on the floor breaking your back to laugh. Because behind it there is a parent to blame. So to those parents I must say Shame On You!


Monday, January 26, 2009

Karma = B**ch?

"Because karma, karma, karma comes back to you harder." - Lauren Hill "Lost Ones."

"But that karma is a bitch you steady asking God why." - Talib Kweli "Memories Live."

We've all heard the sayings above when it comes to the dreaded karma. However, I often sit back and think about my life and some of the things I've been through and done. At times that leads me to wonder is this karma thing real? I mean like anyone in life I've done some things in life that I consider to be bad. I'm not going to go through a list, but you can trust and believe it's the truth. But when I think about those actions and think about whether or not I was paid back by karma I can't always correlate the two.

Alright I'm sure you're awaiting at least one example. Well as a youth I wasn't always the model of outstanding citizenship I try to be today. LoL. Let's just say that running with the wrong crowd will get you to doing the wrong things 9 times out of 10. Now I'm quite sure the statute of limitations on vandalism has past; however, in an effort to not snitch nor self incriminate myself I'll just say this. Broken pieces of a spark plug hurled at a car window can shatter it. Now based off of karma and it's creed one day I should come out of work or my apartment and find my car windows busted out right? Yep like Jazmine Sullivan herself had just came out the studio after recording the song and my car was the first she saw.

**Side Note: I wonder if there has been an increase of random acts of vandalism and car windows being busted out since the release of that song? I guess I can ask the same for random engagements happening since Beyonce' and the "Single Ladies" anthem. But that's all for a different blog.**

Back to karma. Now thank God I've never had to experience this, but then again I'm still fairly young in age. Therefore, I guess karma doesn't have a time line of when it strikes either. Right? Or does it just mean that karma doesn't necessarily pay you back in an "eye for an eye" kind of way? I mean bad fortune is bad fortune regardless of how you look at it. I just walked outside and my car tire on my car is flat. Now the window wasn't busted. However, it's probably 15 degrees at best outside right now and I have to go and change and put on my spare tire. Then pay to get a new tire tomorrow. So could this be karma rearing it ugly little head? Hmmm I wonder.

Now when it comes to karma I'm always reminded of a TV show that I love to watch. I'm probably one of the few black people in the world that watch it, but I was instantly pulled in from the pilot episode. The show My Name is Earl deals directly with karma. The lead character earl was an overall bad person. He basically hooked and crooked his way through life on a daily basis. Until one day he scratched off a lottery ticket (which he stole) and won $100,000. Well the very next moment he runs outside of the liquor store in celebration and BAM!! He's hit by a car. The lotto ticket blows away and Earl is stuck in the hospital with serious injuries. While in the hospital something on TV reveals the laws of karma to him. This then prompts him to create and write down a list of all of the bad things he's done in life. Once out of the hospital, he sets out to make up for and to all the people he's done wrong to in his lifetime. Upon completing the first item on the list, the unthinkable happens. Yep! The lottery ticket magically finds it's way back to Earl. Convinced that this is only the act of karma Earl sets out on these wild adventures to complete all of the items on his list.

Don't worry I don't work for NBC or anything and I wasn't trying to sell anyone on that show. LoL. But, it is relevant to the topic at hand. I mean on some real talk I've had people do some truly wrong things to me in life; however, to be honest I have never wished karma's wrath on them. I mean I've been lied to, cheated on, stolen from, and so much more. Likewise, I've probably done some equally wrong things and had the worst wished upon me for those things. Yet I try to leave those things in the past and attempt to lead a life that presently is filled with doing things that for the most part are good.

Although none of us are without sin, we all know the old saying "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I can think of people in my life that at least in my lifetime, I have never seen do any wrong. Take my grandmother for example. Since I was old enough to remember she has always been that person that just helped any and everyone she could. She has always been very religious and went to church every Sunday. When she stopped being able to get to church she still paid her tithes. Now of course she had her ways that may have annoyed people, but overall she is a caring and loving person. She is one of those people that when you think about who's going to heaven it's just no question that her name is already written in the book. I mean you name it she will do it for you if she loves you, cares for you, or even if she just feels God is telling her to do it. You're down on your luck and need a place to stay, don't worry you can stay with granny. You need to borrow money, of course granny will lend it to you. You need advice, prayer, a babysitter, a meal, you name it and she would do it for you. Sadly, I've seen people steal from her for no reason at all. Because if they really needed the same amount of money they stole she would give it to them no questions asked.

Well in recent years my grandmother's situation hasn't been the best at all. Horrible things have happened. From her health deteriorating, to losing the house she owned for over 40 years (the house I grew up in as a child pictured to the left. It pains me to drive past the house and see how it looks now). When this happened no one was there nor in a position to help her. Including her own church which she gave only God knows how much money to over 40 + years. (Again that's a different blog entirely). I wasn't trying to make this a sob story, but I say all that to ask was this karma's wrath eventually catching up with her? I mean I've heard stories that my grandmother wasn't always a holy individual. So, was this the payback that she may have been avoiding all those years?

Honestly, I really don't know the answers to all the questions I asked in this post. I know I kept mentioning karma, but I think it simply alludes to the fact that there is a higher power. Therefore, we all need to do better and at least attempt to live our lives to a higher standard. No one is or can be perfect and will fall short of his grace. I'm by far not the most religious person at all. But I like to think that good deeds are rewarded with blessings. And well in contrast nothing good can come from bad deeds. Unfortunately, there are some people do wrong all the time and seem to still live far better then those that constantly do good. But I go on doing good knowing that there always has to be a balance in the universe. Not that I wish bad on anyone, but I guess eventually things will shape out and those bad deeds will never go unpunished. Call it a bitch or whatever word you want to use. Either way I guess that's just karma for you.

P.S. I wrote this with thoughts of someone that recently did me extremely wrong. They left me in a horrible situation knowing they could have easily done something to help. I'm not sure if they still read this blog or not. I could easily say I hope karma repays you for doing me wrong. But regardless just know that I don't have it in me to hate you for what you've done to me over this stretch of time. So with that said I don't wish bad upon you at all. I know you've been through much in the last year, so in fact, I hope and pray for you and your family. I pray that this year for you will be a 180 from last year. And not that you're concerned or worried about me anyway, but I'll always be alright in the end. So no hard feelings.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Wanted: Dead or Alive

I was inspired to share this story after reading Sharon aka The True Urban Queen's Blog.

About one month ago. I was at my best friend's house. She was going to make a run, but as she left and got down stairs she called me. "Can you come help me clean the snow off of my car?" Now it had snowed greatly for a day and a half straight so there was a significant amount of snow (The picture below is of my car taken the same day as this story took place. Gotta Love Chicago weather in the winter). So I replied "Sure I'll be right down." I didn't think I would take long so I didn't grab my coat.
As I come down I realized I should have grabbed the coat as the windows were coated with ice then snow on top of that. So, I got to scraping the ice and snow off of the truck. It took me longer than expected, but eventually I get most of it off, all but one window on the passenger side. But it was enough so that she could drive. Now as I was finishing up I noticed out of the corner of my eye a little old [black] lady with a cane slowly trekking past me in the snow. Now I couldn't tell where she was heading at first. There was a car close that had no snow on it, also she could have just been walking past. But I said in my mind I'm thinking "I know this lady isn't about to get in one of these cars with snow on them."

So I finished with the snow removal and I go to head back upstairs. So as I turn back I notice BFF is struggling to get the truck out of the parking space. So I go back and got in the car and pulled it out of the space. Now keep in mind that in the time from when I first saw the old lady to when I pulled the truck out of the space I saw at least 3 able bodied men pass by. I must assume they saw the old lady as they really couldn't have missed her given where she was standing. So, once I get the truck out I look over and asked my BFF "Is that old lady brushing the snow off her car?" She says "I can't tell from where I'm at." I tell her to give me the snow brush before she leaves and I head over to help the lady.

Now this lady had to easily be in her mid 70's if not older. But I kid you not, as I walked up to the car the lady is pushing the snow off of her car with her cane! I immediately asked if she needed any help. She says [use your best old lady voice here] "Well I was trying to do it, but it's just so much snow and ice." She said she had a snow brush in the car, I tell her I got one already and proceeded to work on the ice. I started on the windshield and she got her brush and started on the drivers side of the very same windshield. Now I'm scraping my ass off and not seeming to make any leeway. But then I had to be easy as I wasn't trying to have an ice chunk fly up and hit the old lady in the eye or something. I tried to tell her to just either sit in the car or go back to the door and wait while I get the snow and ice off. Thinking about it, I wanted to take a break myself and warm up. Remember I still had no coat on.

But back to the lady. Now although she was trying hard, her efforts were not even putting a dent into removing the snow let alone the caked on ice. However, the lady seemed to be very self sufficient and insisted on helping as well. My great grandmother was this same way, so the fact she wanted to help and or do it herself I totally understood. So I proceeded to go to the back window and let her work on the front. I let her know she should put on the defrost, so she stops brushing the snow. As I turned to walk to the rear of the car she started to turn towards the driver's side door. Next thing I know I look over and she's losing her balance. The lady lets out an "Oh Lord!" and I see her fall over!

I quickly ran over to the driver's side and make sure the lady is okay. She said she was fine. So I proceeded to help the lady up onto her feet. She then said "I'm done, I'm just going to let car warm up and defrost on it's own." I asked if she wanted me to try to finish she said "that's okay I'm not in a rush I'll just let it defrost." So I told the lady to at least let me walk her back to the door. Arm in arm we take baby steps over the snow and ice up to the front door.

Next, the lady told me "I have to go upstairs and get you a little something for helping me out." I immediately replied to her that there was no need for any financial reward I didn't mind helping her out at all. She said "Well thank God you were here young man, because I would still be on the ground in that snow if you weren't. Just last year I had the same thing happen and I broke my hip." She started to go on about how her people usually come to do stuff like this for her but no one has come to do it, so she had to do it herself. I asked one last time if she needed anything else and she said no so I proceeded back upstairs.

So there you have it. Chivalry at it's finest. So it can't be dead. Right? Unfortunately, I am only one man amongst billions and can only speak for myself. Well scratch that, my brother as well since we were raised by the same parents. In that raising we were brought up to be gentlemen. My grandfather probably instilled this more than anyone. But honestly, I just look at situations like the above story from the perspective of what if it was my grandmother, mom, cousin or best friend? I would hope that a man would lend them a hand in that situation. I'm sure that there are plenty of other men that open doors for women, will give up their seat on the bus for a woman or even help a damsel in distress as I did. Now don't go asking me where they are at because that I wouldn't be able to tell you. LoL. But this does go to show you that chivalry isn't dead. Although at times it may seem to be on life support, it is not dead. So ladies please don't sign that DNR (Do not Resuscitate) form and pull the plug on chivalry.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

"N"th Degree

Well it all became official today. Like many of you, I woke up very early in the morning (6:30 L.A. time), and watched the swearing in of our first official black President. I know some of y'all don't want to remember, but we unofficially claimed Bill Clinton. Only because we never thought we'd actually live to see this day. But I digress. So I woke up to the alarm, got myself out of bed, and began watching the pomp and circumstance of the inauguration. This wasn't the first Inauguration that I'd watched. I want to say that I'd seen either Reagan's second, or George H. W. Bush's inauguration while in school, I don't remember which. Needless to say, Obama's was by far the best that I'd ever seen.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but I love being an American. I'm sure at some point during the day, you may have heard one or several somebodies speak to the orderly and peaceful transition of power in the United States. Well all I have to say is THANK GOD. I mean, elections are hard enough. I couldn't imagine living in a country in which the only means of "Regime Change" would be through the plotting and scheming of the current President's demise. Nor the fact that merely speaking out against that current President could get you jailed or killed. I know that when this country was formed, the founding fathers didn't quite bestow the complete status that I now enjoy as a Black Man in America, but I still have to thank them for their enduring wisdom as to how we cycle through our elected leaders.

The next part of the day that stood out to me was the massive amount of people that showed up this event. The last estimate that I heard was 1.4 million people. May God bless each and every one of them, because frankly, I couldn't do it. I mean, I know that history is made in the moment, but I've been to D.C., and its a miserable place to get around on a regular day, let alone during this particular inauguration. I know we kind of take D.C. for granted, but it's on occasions such as this that I have to say, the people of D.C. do the rest of America a tremendous service. They hosted this massive event, and pulled it off without a hitch. Do you believe that the same would have occurred if this happened in L.A., Atlanta, Chicago, or New York City? I'd say probably not. So my hats off to D.C.

Speaking of hats, did anyone catch the massive head piece worn by the Queen of Soul Ms. Aretha Franklin? Who am I kidding, of course you saw that thing. I believe the Hubble Telescope picked up that thing. Black women, I love y'all to death. (I swear I do!). But why do some of y'all do that to yourselves? All eyes should have been on Aretha for her singing, not the giant ribbon that adorned her hat. Unfortunately I had to say to myself, you'd only see this at the inauguration of a black President. Black women of my generation (20-40 years old) I ask this of you: please leave this fashion to our mothers and grandmothers. When it comes time for you to strut around the church, please get ya church lady hat game up? That's just a personal request, you can take it for what its worth.

And now to the true purpose of this blog. I want to state that I am awe struck by President Obama and his beautiful family. I know that normally when you see well to do black families, sometimes you say that they're bourgeoisie, but that's never even crossed my mind when I've seen the Obama family. And during these inauguration festivities, the thought that really comes to mind is elegant. Not that I've never seen it before, but I honestly felt that I saw the very best of black people today. I really felt that the ceiling on how high we can rise has officially been removed. Hell, its really been blown off. And now the sky's the limit.

So with that being said, I want to make an announcement. To support our current President, and honor both him, and my own black heritage, I will no longer be using the N-word. Yes I said it, I will no longer be using it. I just feel that we should officially move up into a higher status in the world. And words like that only bind us to our unflattering past. I mean, in today's day and age you're 1,245,632 times more likely to be called the N-word by someone black as you are someone white. (Nothing scientific in my numbers, just my own personal estimate). That's a serious problem. I know that we've come up with clever acronyms and explained that using the words just reduces its power, but let's be honest everyone, as long as we're using it, it still has the same power that it held before. The only difference is that we use it now to disparage each other. And I can no longer condone myself partaking of the continued use of the word. Please don't mistake me, I don't judge anyone else who may continue using it. And I don't want to appear holier than thou, I am not. I am making a personal choice, and I just want to broadcast it to the people who, whether they agree or disagree, read my many different musings. For a further understanding of why I've made this choice, listen to "The Experience" by my man Cee-lo of the Goodie Mob.

So that's it people. A quick recap of what I found interesting about this glorious day. I pray that President Obama finds success during his term in office. And may we all grow from this experience.


Update: Though I know I said I wasn't going to use the word, a conversation I had with my brother pulled it out of me. I know its gonna be hard, but since my man took office, I've only used it once. Once in the first 12 hours is not a bad start for me. There will be an ongoing tally in the top right hand of our blog. So check back for an update. Hopefully, I can stay at 1.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Off Da Hooky!!

Many of you are off of work today in observance of the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. Unfortunately, I'm not as lucky as some of you. My job doesn't give me the option to have this day off, so I'm here still slaving. And yeah I'm kinda hating on y'all on the low. LoL. However, I do plan on calling in sick tomorrow.

Yes we all know that tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for since November 4th. Yes the inauguration of our nation's first black President Barack Obama will take place tomorrow. Some of you lucky individuals will have the opportunity to attend the historic event in person. I will not be in attendance, so for those of you that do attend, I look forward to hearing all about it. So you're probably wondering why am I calling off then?

Well the reason I plan on calling off is because I have a job interview tomorrow. Now I won't front things at my job are on very thin ice, and at times I feel like I weigh 500 pounds. For this and many other reasons I have been trying to find a new job. So, as ecstatic as I was when I got that call back after my phone interview to interview in person, I was still reluctant. The reason being that the only date they had available for this interview is tomorrow. Yep the same day as the inauguration. Just in case you're still wondering what's the big deal I'll break it down even further.

I'm the ONLY black person in my office now. Tomorrow is the inauguration for our first black President. Therefore, I feel like regardless of what excuse I use to call off, in their minds they'll be thinking "bullshit, this nigga is just calling off because of the inauguration." Well that is false I will actually miss the majority, if not all of the inauguration due to the scheduled time of the interview. But it's cool I got my DVR set to record. As much as I'd like to watch live, unless Barack is going to hook me up with a job I'm going to have to check out the DVR version of the inauguration. LoL.

But this whole calling off tomorrow got me to thinking about excuses and reasons used to call off from work. I don't call off too often, but the times I have I'm sure I've used some type of excuse that they just had to accept as truth. For instance, my brother and I took a road trip to St. Louis, Mo. back in November to watch the Chicago Bears play against the St. Louis Rams. After drinking during tailgating and during the game, we knew we weren't driving back home to Chicago. Which meant I would have to call off work on Monday morning. Well since I was quite intoxicated it was nothing for me to wake up early that morning and in my best sick voice call off. I mean technically I was sick right? Plus sick voice and hang over voice pretty much sound the same so no one could tell the difference.

Funny thing about that story is when I came back to work that Tuesday a co-worker of mines asks me "Did you go to the game Sunday?" I immediately said no. Then she goes "oh okay I just asked because I went and someone told me you may have been going." Dammit I forgot I told one person in advance I may be attending the game. Also, I remembered my brother saying he was on the Jumbo Tron and he was excited about it. So I'm thinking to myself I hope she didn't see me on the screen as well. Luckily, this is someone that I'm cool with so she wouldn't snitch on me. I hope. But I just found it funny.

Now as a general rule I try not to call off with excuses that involve any type of emergency for fear they may come true. For instance, I've never really used the whole "my son is sick or had an accident" excuse. Only because I would feel horrible if something were to happen to him or if he got sick after me saying so. However, I won't hesitate to claim I'm sick or something that has to do with me.

So to be honest I have no clue what excuse I will be using tomorrow when I call off. I may just freestyle it as the phone rings and come off the cuff. I'm good like that. LoL. But I tried to find some info online that would be informative but this is all I got. "The top three reasons healthy employees call out sick, something 35% of workers admit to are personal errands, appointments, catching up on sleep, and simply relaxing, according to hiring managers surveyed by They had some bizarre excuses used by some employees, but they were simply stupid excuses that would never fly or even be believed by the stupidest of managers. For instance "I was sprayed by a skunk, I was spit on by a venomous snake, or a hit man was looking for me."

Needless to say I won't be using any of those dumb excuses. However, I'm curious to know what excuses you guys would suggest for me to use? Also, what are your most outrageous and or frequently used excuses to call off from work? (That worked of course). Hopefully, the whole interview on inauguration day will have some significance and I'll land this job. Wish me luck y'all. Below is a funny clip about black people calling off from work by D.L. Hughley. Classic Material. The part I'm referring runs from about the 1:00 to 1:45 minute mark.

**** UPDATE ****
For those of you that may be wondering what excuse did I come up with to call off today here it is. I left a voice mail saying this. "Hi _(Manager)_ I'm calling because I just dropped my son off at Pre-School and on my way to work they called me and said I had to come back and pick him back up because a bunch of kids were sick. My son was just sick last week so I don't want him to be exposed. My son's mom and grandparents are out of town so I'm the only one available to watch him. I will try to see if I can find a sitter and come in later I will let you know."

I called later. "I was unable to find anyone to watch my son so I will just be in tomorrow morning any questions or suggestions you can call me at #...."

The interview went very well. Hopefully, I'll have some good news come next week. But we'll see tomorrow the reaction I get for me having called off today.

Thanks for everyone's advice.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Time Waits For No Man

"Ooh Girl!" - An Honest R&B Song

I came across this video on Myspace last week and I found it to be hilarious. These guys are brutally honest when it comes to their bedroom performance. Far from what most R&B songs try to fool women into thinking. But they addressed a subject I already had in draft but never completed and posted. So, I am now incorporating the 2 together. One of the main subjects the video address was the sexual performance time. My man broke it down to the exact number of minutes, you will get out of him. He wasn't fronting and telling you he was gone go at it all night like you hear in most R&B songs (Don't the Viagra commercials say an erection lasting more than 4 hours should seek immediate medical attention? LoL). For instance, songs like Freak Me (Silk), Freakin' You (Jodeci), Makin' Good Love (Avant), All Nite All Day (Ginuwine), Bump & Grind Remix (R.Kelly), Bed (J.Holiday). Etc. This list can go on for days. But you best believe I know what to put on when its sexy time! Lmao.

Now a good while ago there was a rare occasion where I was watching the morning news. Actually I wasn't even watching, but it happen to be on as I was getting ready for work. Well the topic of sex came up and my ears perked up like a dog hearing kibbles and bits. So I of course began to watch more closely. The show had a sex therapist on and she was discussing a new study done that reveals the actual length of time the "average" woman prefers sex to be. Utterly intrigued by this point I stopped ironing my clothes and was glued in front of the TV.

Well much to my shock this so called expert goes on to tell me and the world that was up at 8am that a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine stated this nonsense. "Sex lasting less than 3 minutes is considered as too short, while more than 13 minutes of sex are regarded to as too long. 7 to 13 minutes were rated as most “desirable” length of time of sex. Many sex therapists consider coitus that lasts as little as 3 minutes to be of adequate length."

Now my first reaction upon hearing this was to literally LOL. Followed by a swift "Bullshit!!" And lastly topped off with a "Get the F**K Outta here!!" Then I pondered to myself "I hope for the sake of men that that time length included some 4-Play, [no make that 12-Play] or else this study is about to sky rocket the divorce rate higher and faster gas prices 6 months ago."

I later went online to gather more information about this so called study. Well you can read it for yourself here. Basically this study surveyed a number of random men and women in Canada and the U.S. and based on those responses and their expert opinions they have come up with this conclusion which they chose to publish in this medical journal.

Alright now it's my turn. I'm definitely no sexpert nor do I have a doctorates in medicine or any certificates in sex therapy. Therefore, I am only speaking from my own personal perspective and experience. So with that said I feel like there is no damn way that a woman is going to be satisfied with a man giving her 3 minutes of sex! And if this is true I'm sure most men like me are asking themselves where are these alien women that they speak of? Or has Captain Kirk already got to them all? LoL.

Maybe it's just me, but even the 7-13 minutes that they claim is desirable just seems to be off about a good 20-30 minutes or more. Now I've seen it done in as little as 3 minutes [As Nas Said "I'm Hercules Hercules when it comes to Relations." LOL ;-)] and definitely in the 7-13 minute range. But "IF" (and that's a big "if" for some...sorry to say) in that 7-13 minutes the man manages to satisfy his woman and bring her to orgasm, in my experience that doesn't mean your job is done. Although I've been told and have heard women say "As long as I get mines it doesn't matter how long it lasts." I'm not too sure most women would say alright I got my one now it's done. Sadly, that's usually the man saying such a thing, whether verbally or non-verbally. Cue the Snoring (Zzzzzzz). I personally can't get down like that. But then again, perhaps I'm just a tad greedy and a bit of an over achiever. LMAO. But we have to remember the fact that women are multi-orgasmic. So to a man this translates to good job in the first 7-13 minutes now do it a couple more times just for good measure. LoL. And if you do happen to finish also, you better catch your breath and get back out in the ring for round 2. In the words of the Great Muhammad Ali "Rumble Young Man Rumble." LoL.

I wouldn't personally know about this, but I gotta ask. What if you're one of those unfortunate brothers that can't last long enough to get the job done? LoL SMH! Would the ladies prefer he go the honest route like the guys in the video and put it out there up front? Or for him to just keep quiet and see what it does or don't do? Or to just Lie? LoL. I'm sitting here just envisioning this scenario. The moment is getting heated up and "It's about to go Down." All of a sudden the man stops then turns to the lady and says "Hey just so you know this ain't gone last but about 7-13 Minutes. But don't worry in that time I'm gone give it all I got." I'm a gambling man so I'm willing to bet all I got that most any woman's clothes will magically come back on Cris Angel style. Then someone is leaving right away, either her or you depending on whose place you're at. I know the ladies have a thing about wasting a number on a guy that don't "come with it" so to speak. And if you don't know what I mean by wasting a number then ask the female that's closest to you right now I'm sure she'll school you real quick. LoL

But regardless of which the ladies prefer there is one thing that remains a big No! No! Yep you guessed it that would be Bragging! I don't know if you can blame the R&B Songs that brag about putting it on you all night long, screaming my name, and putting you to bed and tucking you in or what? Yes these things can and do happen. However, for the life of me I don't know why guys brag when it comes to their bedroom tactics. I mean if it's your woman or someone you've already did the damn thing with and they can vouch for you then by all means get your brag on. But if you're trying to get a woman to sleep with you for the first time, don't brag (trust she's heard it all before). Especially if you know that your results in the past have been less than stellar, then why even say anything? If she asks play it off! "Aw well you know I do what I do!" LoL. But don't set yourself up to be embarrassed and eventually put on blast. I've read too many blogs of women (even some of our blasting a brother out for not coming with it in the bedroom. But I'm sure if he didn't brag about what he was gone do prior to, then she may have over looked the infraction and spared him the embarrassment. Yet you chose the wrong door like that one on Let's Make A Deal with the Donkey behind it. So, now everyone at the job, school, church (or where ever you met her) and the entire blog community knows about your "short comings." LoL.

Honestly, I prefer the quiet and reserved approach and not to even mention it at all. Now if you ask I'll be honest and let you know how my past performance has been graded and that I have not gotten any complaints. However, I won't guarantee anything on a first time being sexual with someone. I know for a fact that all women are different; therefore, just because I did XXX Y and Z with a previous girl and blew her back out, doesn't mean that's going to automatically translate to the new girl. This is no different than if you were to change jobs. You may have been a top performer at your previous job, but this is a new company and possibly new and more challenging "position." So, basically you can't guarantee any results. LoL.

When it boils down to it I personally feel like the pressure is mainly on men to perform. Unfortunately, the man is supposed to feel privileged to even have an opportunity to have a go at it. Therefore, he better make the best of the chance he's being given. Now, maybe for some the pressure is too much and they can't step up and make it happen. Although no man wants to be considered a Minute Man , especially since they make songs about them (50 grand I get this on one take. LoL). But I guess just like anything in life there are somethings some are better at. And consequently that means that someone must also be bad at it as well. However, I can only speak for self. So before y'all start questioning me I must say that I've never fallen into this 7-13 minute range category. I can get material witnesses to testify if I have to. LoL. In fact, if I could quickly I'd tell this story about the Robin Thicke CD... But sadly I've run out of time and can't, so you have to use your imagination as to what I'm referring to. LoL. Any one that can guess it I got a prize for you. LMAO.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Set It Off

I recently saw the above sign while I was in the bank a couple of weeks ago. I apologize that it's not legible. But I took a quick picture and that's the best I got. I don't think they take kindly to people taking pictures while inside of the bank. But for those that can't read it the sign says:

No Hats, Hoods, or Sunglasses

In an effort to better recognize and serve our valuable clients, please remove these items before entering. Thank You.

Now when I first saw this sign I was a little taken a back. When I saw the sign I was in front of the teller cashing my check and I was actually wearing a hat and hoodie at the time. I read the sign and then looked around to make sure security wasn't about to come tap me on my shoulder and ask me to remove my hat and hood. I finished my transaction and as I exited the bank. I hadn't paid attention, but as I left I noticed that the same sign was also on the front door. I attempted to take a picture of the sign, but then I saw the security guard start walking towards me and I thought I should leave right away. Black man in a hat and hood taking pictures in a bank probably not the best idea. However, the next time I was in the bank I took the picture above.

Upon analyzing the sign I first understood why the bank chose to implement this rule. Obviously a real customer won't mind removing these items. Where as, a potential bank robber will want to stay disguised behind their hat, hood, and or sunglasses. Nevertheless, I then began to think that this sign had some unrealistic expectations. First off, the day I went into the bank the temperature may have been 10 degrees max and probably closer to 0 with the wind chill factor. Therefore, having come into the bank from the cold my initial instinct was to stay warm and not to remove my warm clothing.

Likewise, the same goes for when it's summer time. I don't wear sunglasses, but I have seen people wear them indoors and outdoors. And I personally wear hats during any season and don't usually remove them when stepping into a store or bank. Now I've never attempted any bank robbery in my life, but I'd be 100% lying if I said it's never crossed my mind. Now don't get to thinking I got a criminal mind like I'm plotting in a basement like in the movie Dead Presidents or Jason's Lyric. But we've probably all been here before. You're in front of the teller and you're cashing your measly weekly check for whatever underpaid rate your job pays. Then one of the bank employees behind you brings a bag of money out [gotta be 10-20 stacks easy] and starts counting it in the money machine. You feel like "damn why they have to do this right in front of me?" Then right there for a split second that thought runs through your head. If I hop over the counter grab a bag and be out they won't miss it. LoL.

Okay well maybe I'm the only one and if that gives me a criminal mind so be it I'm just keeping it real. Of course I would NEVER in my life act on such thoughts; however, if I were to attempt something so foolish as bank robbery I think I would be a bit more creative with my disguise. The sign mentions NO hats, hoods or sunglasses. However, in defense of the banking industry, when I went to search for images of bank robbers I was shocked. The majority of the images I noticed were of individuals wearing just that a hat, sunglasses and or hood. Go figure!

Now it was my understanding that when you're robbing a bank the object is to get in get the money and get out without being caught or identified. We all know banks have cameras every where. Even upon entering you are being monitored for security purposes. I know that with sunglasses and a hat you can blend in with the regular customers and can get the drop on security. Thus increasing your chances of making it out of the bank before security is alerted. But what about in the long run? Are you really going to get away with this crime when your face is plastered over the evening news? Isn't someone going to say that looks like so and so down the block just with glasses and a hood on?But maybe I'm the only one that would consider that before pulling this idiot move.

Disclaimer: We at Brothers' Blog do not condone nor recommend anyone to utilize any of the information provided to try to rob a bank. It is illegal and just not a smart thing to do. This information is purely for entertainment purposes. Also, if I am ever accused of such a crime this blog shall not be used as evidence to self incriminate me. LoL.

Okay so below are some of the other more popular, weird and down right stupid bank robbery disguises I found while searching online.

Presidential Mask
I guess while you're stealing dead presidents what better to wear than a mask depicting some of our dead presidents right? I know of the 4 in the pic Carter is still alive. But I still say stick to the presidents of old when going this route. I don't want to see anyone robbing a bank with a Barack Obama mask on. Don't do our first black president like that!!

Stockings are another disguise that don't really make sense to me. I mean you can see right through them. Although they do distort your image some what, if you know who the person is you will be able to tell it's them with or without the stockings on.

The Ski Mask Way
The ski mask always seemed to be one of the best ways to disguise yourself. All you can see is the eyes and the mouth. I guess it doesn't hide what race you are though because you can clearly tell this is a black man under this ski mask.

The bandanna was one used back in the Wild West days. Although this guy didn't tie the other over his face but just held it to his nose. Therefore he got the cool nick name "The Runny Nose Bandit." Yeah I'm sure a threatening name like that is gonna for sure keep his man hood in tact when he reaches Federal Prison.

Cross Dresser
This is a pretty extreme disguise of choice for my man right here. He actually dressed up as an elderly female. While no one probably expected him to rob the bank, I'm not sure it was worth cross dressing for. Unless that was something he already was into. Hey I don't judge anyone do what you do. LoL. But again in prison not sure if the "cross dressing bandit" is a cool nickname to have.

Motorcycle Helmet
Now I've never ridden a motorcycle before, but this was a pretty smart disguise. You clearly can't tell who the individual under the helmet is. Let's just hope he was smart enough to use a car for a get away vehicle as opposed to his motorcycle. Bank robber with a motorcycle helmet on a motorcycle sure no one will ever suspect that.

Muslim Garment
This clever outfit shows nothing but the eyes. She or he can walk into the bank and no one can say remove those garments to them. This is part of her culture and religion. However, as you can see the person under the garments used their culture to their advantage. Not to mention you can't even tell if the person under the garment is really Muslim or not. It could just be a regular American using this outfit to just rob banks.

Duct Tape
Now this on just baffles the hell out of me. Why the hell would this idiot try to bandage himself up like a mummy using duct tape?Now I know duct tape has 1,001 uses but I can't see bank robbery disguise as one of them. He would have been better off wrapping up in toilet tissue. I hope that he shaved every hair on his head and face before suiting up in this attire. Also, I hope for his sake that he didn't get caught by authorities wearing this duct tape. Because I could see them enjoying ripping every inch of that duct tape off his head. And if he did have any hair on his head or face prior to he definitely wont after this stuff comes off.

Fake Beard
Well what better way to disguise your face than to wear the fake beard and or wig? That way the authorities can never tell it's you once you're clean shaven. This guy sorta looks like Santa Claus on vacation with that hat and sunglasses. I hope he had Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer prepped to high tail it outta there once he makes his way out with his sack of money.

Doo Rag
Now I just found this funny because my mans just kept it all the way hood. He still rocking his doo rag and he threw on some stunna shades and tried to get away with robbing this bank that's obviously inside a grocery store. And doesn't that look like a work shirt from a local mechanic shop or something he probably works at? Come on bruh. SMH!

Not sure if anyone else have seen these signs inside of banks. But perhaps this bank is just getting ahead of the game. I heard recently on the news theft and shop lifting are up due to these tough economic times. So, I'm sure bank robbery probably has increased as well. But banks have been getting robbed since their inception. And as long as banks remain around there will always be some fool that takes the mere thought of trying to get rich quick to the next level. I guess at some point they'll be adding these other items to the list of No Nos to wear inside of the bank. But regardless of what your disguise of choice is, robbing a bank is just not a smart thing to do. You will eventually get caught and bank robbery = Fed Time. So that means you're doing almost day for day in the Fed. So in the end like Just Jasmine indicated in her recent blog it's just not worth it. Crime really does not pay. Did we not learn anything from Queen Latifah and the crew? Leave the Setting it Off to the movies.