Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Hand Solo

We've all thought it at some point, Hell some of you bold individuals have even done it before. But this thought can be directed at a number of people, whether it is at your kids, your boss (or Stupidvisor as my Grandfather commonly referred to them), your friend, your significant other, the grocery clerk, your co-worker, the waiter/waitress, or the cashier at the fast food restaurant. Regardless of who it may have been, the fact that you thought this means that the person must have really done something ignorant, stupid, or upsetting. Or perhaps they did nothing at all and you simply don't like this person; therefore, you thought this way.

Well I'm sure you're probably in suspense thinking what is this thing that we have all thought at one point. Well that thought Ladies and Gentlemen, can be described in one word the "SLAP." Also, referred to as the "SMACK" or even the "Bitch Slap" and or "Pimp Slap." However, they all mean the same thing basically someone has or is about to catch a mouth shot.

Now if anyone knows me personally then they know I have a certain ring tone on my phone it's the song "Slap" by Ludacris. I'm not really a big ring tone person but I do keep this one on my phone. I particularly use this ring tone for my alarm in the morning. Why? Well the answer is simple I know that waking up each morning at some point in the day I'm going to just as the song says "Feel like slapping somebody today!!"

Ludacris "Slap"

Now you're probably thinking to yourself and scratching your head, wondering "have I ever wanted to smack or slap someone?" Without knowing anything about you I can easily answer the question. It's an overwhelming YES! In the opening I described some people you may have thought about slapping at one point. Now let me expand a little and describe a few incidents involving some of those individuals and then you tell me if you too wouldn't be thinking about slapping someone.

Incident 1: You get to work this morning and realize your co-worker has called off sick but you know damn well they weren't sick yesterday. So your boss calls you in the office and assigns all of your co-worker's work to you on top of your regular work load. Now tell me what would be going through your mind? Me, I'll keep it real I'd be thinking I could slap the hell out of my boss right now and I owe a slap to my co-worker when they get back to work tomorrow!!

Adam Sandler and David Hasselhoff in "Click"

Incident 2: It's your lunch break and you're starving so can't wait to eat the juicy burger you've had a taste for. You stop at your local fast food restaurant and order your # whatever off the drive through menu. You pull up to window 1 and pay for your food, then proceed to window 2 grab your bag of food and drink and rush back to work to eat. However, when you get to work and open your bag not only are your french fries cold but to add insult to injury there is a chicken sandwich instead of a burger in the bag. Now tell me what you would be thinking? It's okay you don't have to admit it yet. I'll keep it Real, I'd be thinking I should drive back up there and slap the drive through attendant with this damn chicken sandwich!!

Incident 3: You're having trouble with your cell phone, so you decide to call your cell phone provider with hopes that they can assist you with the problem. So you make the call, the automated menu alerts you that there will be a 10 minute wait for a representative. So your 10 minute wait actually turns into 30 minutes and you're frustrated and on edge already. However, when your call is finally connected with a live representative you get a foreigner and you can't understand a word they're saying. (No offense to any foreigners of course). So you spend another 30 minutes explaining and re-explaining your problem to this individual who even if they spoke perfect English still couldn't help you because they're incompetent to begin with. So finally, my question is what would you be thinking? Well maybe it's just me, but once again I'll keep it Real. I'd be thinking I wish I could reach through the phone and slap the hell out of the person on the other end!!

Now please keep in mind I'm in no way promoting or supporting violence towards your fellow man or woman. I'm simply stating what we all are thinking at times. I would hope that random slapping assaults don't rise due to this blog because that is truly not its purpose. The above incidents are just a few of probably hundreds that can occur within a given day. So we have to some how find a way to whooo sahhh!! and attempt to refrain from just hauling off and slapping the hell out of someone. Trust me I'm just a few hours into my morning and I've already refrained at least 2 times so far. Not to mention, I'm expecting to be up to at least 5 times before 5pm. Therefore, if someone did decide to slap someone today for any incidents such as above or worse I guess I would understand. However, the disclaimer above retracts any and all responsibility from myself or my brother. Also, I'm sure that somewhere in it's Terms of Use Google has also done the same thing. LoL.

So what is the fascination with the slap? What does it do for the person doing the slapping? Does it relieve some kind of stress? Or could it be the sound that the slap makes? I think although a slap is less painful than a punch, it still lets the person receiving the slap know you mean business. So if you want to still inflict some type of pain but not necessarily injury you'll use the slap. For instance, when a pimp wants to reprimand one of his hoes he'll use the "pimp slap." Why? I'm sure a punch to the face would get the point across just as easily. But let us not forget that punches usually leave bruises and that could hurt business I mean who wants a "date" with a bruised up prostitute. However, a slap will usually just sting a bit and perhaps leave the face red depending on the amount of melanin you have.

I personally think that the slap is more for the audience. I mean if you're about to get into an altercation with someone the last thing you will be trying to do is line up the perfect slap. No, instead you're trying to knock they ass out like Deebo on "Friday." So, basically if someone gets slapped in the midst they will usually feel some sort of humiliation. Usually, if a slap is or was involved it's the very first hit because no one is going to just stand by and take multiple slaps to the face. That's like well no pun intended but a "slap in the face." Now the main reason I really say the slap is for the audience is because more than anything the slap gets the most reaction out of crowd. Think about it, any fight I can remember witnessing back in school days started with a big circle and 2 individuals in the middle. Of course the shit talking takes up more time than the actual fight itself but what would a fight be without a little shit talking? But if you ever take the time to listen to the instigators in the crowd you'll hear this from at least one person. "Slap his ass!" or "Slap her ass!" And whenever the first slap comes its usually the last because the next hit will definitely be a punch. But trust me with that slap you'll hear "Lots of oooohs and Dayums." Think about any episode of Jerry Springer and you'll get the visual I'm depicting. However, even if the fight is lost or in cases of a draw the initial slapper could still be deemed as the winner of the fight just because of the slap he or she got in.

Now I don't claim to be a slap expert in anyway. In fact, I can't really recall ever slapping some one before. Although I do remember as a kid reciting lyrics to an Eric B. & Rakim song "I aint no Joke" where he states "you could get a smack for this." Well me, my brother, and cousin would say that then smack each other but beyond that I've never slapped anyone. But I would tend to think that more women use the slap than men. I guess a man slapping another man just isn't a manly thing to do. In fact, in the Dave Chappelle skit with Rick James Charlie Murphy stated this about Rick James slapping him (As depicted towards the beginning of this blog). "First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, ya know, they did it in Paris, some guy would come up, "I challenge you to a duel." They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!" But keep in mind that slapping is not always for violent purposes. For instance, if someone is being hysterical it is okay to slap that person to bring them back to their senses. Don't worry that's the only other example of a non-violent slap I could find too.

But I did find out that there are such things as slap contests. Yes that's right 2 people slap it out to see who is the winner. I'm not sure why people would engage in such an activity nor what the official rules are for such a competition. But I did find a description of the different types of slaps online. So for those of you that may find yourself in a slap fest, or slap contest here is a bit of information that may help you.

Types of slaps:

Forehand - a slap across the cheek executed with the palm and fingers of one hand. Use this if you see an opening or if it is the easiest slap possible.

Backhand - a slap across the cheek executed with the back of one hand. Not a good idea if you are going for pain infliction.

Double forehand - a slap on both cheeks executed with the palm and fingers of both hands. Make the slap hard and loud for effect. All the opponent's friends will laugh. This slap is TOTALLY embarrassing.

Double backhand- a slap on both cheeks with the back of the hand. Slightly better than a backhand.

Tap on the shoulder reverse - when you tap your opponent on one shoulder, then when he turns his head, you slap him on his opposite cheek. Only available at master level

Ninja slap - pretend not to slap the victim, but instead lightly punch his cheek. He will think it is a punch, but the judge KNOWS.

Now speaking of slapping contests. I even found that a popular radio station in New York Hot 97 apparently holds an annual Smackfest where the winner receives a $500 prize and continues on to compete for the $5000 grand prize. Below are a few examples of that smack contest. However, if you Google Hot 97 Smackfest or search it on youtube you will be taken to numerous Hot97 Smackfest videos.

So in closing, unfortunately I can't give you full the history of the slap as I was unable to find information on who committed the very first slap. However, I'm sure the slap goes back even to biblical days. Although he was non-violent, I'm sure that even Jesus at least had the thought of slapping Judas for selling him out. LoL. But in parting I will leave you with a collection of videos showing some classic and modern slaps. So enjoy.

"Tastes so good, Make you wanna slap Yo Momma"

Friday After Next

"Baby Powder"

How High

The 3 Stooges

A collection of classic Movie Slaps

This one is just for you Mom.


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