Closed Captions

So I've been reading a local paper here in Chicago called The Red Eye a lot lately and they have this segment in there called Captions. Basically they put a picture up and you can text in a caption for the picture. If it's what they consider the best one then they feature it in the next day's issue along with your name. Well by chance a couple of weeks ago one of my captions actually was chosen. The image is below.

You may have to click on it to read clearly. But basically it's a pic of Ryan Seacrest with his hands in his pocket on what looks like a red carpet. My caption read: "I would take my hands out of my pockets but I didn't get my manicure this morning." Then my name is to the right of it.

So I thought it would be fun to do something similar on this blog. I'll see what types of random and hopefully funny pics I can find online. Then I will see what kind of caption I can come up with for each. Don't worry I'll try to keep it clean for the most part or maybe not. LoL. Also, I usually come off the top of the head so I can't guarantee the captions will be 100% funny. But I've been told that I tend to crack myself up and laugh at my own jokes often. So if nothing else this will be entertaining to me. LOL.

Alright Here we go!

"I know I'm a bit new to this going down town thing. I mean I've heard of eating pussy but no one ever told me it would eat you back!"

Shaq: "Sorry Lebron I put on a little weight over the off season. But we can still make a run for the title this season. Look I can finally knock down my Free throws!!"

No one really knew that Notorious B.I.G. believed in Hinduism. Well he was reincarnated into this deer, but he's still spitting his same lyrics "Big is lookin to hurt what's under that skirt!!"

"Before I started taking Viagara I was only able to make women rise using magic. But now when the time is right I can rise to the occasion as well." ;-)


Girl: **Reading Cue Card in obvious reading voice** You may not believe it, but it is true, if it was not for his shirt I wouldn't have been attracted to him."

"Dammit grandma stop being a light weight. This is the last time I take shots of Patron with you."

"Hey dude remember that stripper from the bachelor party last night wearing the mask? Look at your bride's tongue ring. Doesn't it terribly look familiar?"

Guy Pointing:"Damn homie you see the ass on shorty right there she thick as hell!?!" Last guy on right: Nigga put on your glasses that's Olive Oil!!

Guy: "I know you can't wait to get me home can you?" Girl: **Laughs** "Have you ever hear that how a man dances is similar to how he performs in bed?" **Shrugs** "Good thing I have a vibrator."

"Damn weed has me with the munchies and I only had enough money for 5 bags of snacks. But if I throw this book hard enough at the vending machine glass it may break and I can get more."

"Thanks girls for adding more songs to my I-Tunes for me. This new shit by Jigga is off the Heazy for Sheezy! Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey Goodbye!"

"I should've known not to trust her hating ass. How the hell did I let her convince me to do the Stanky Leg down a runway anyways?"




"Not only do I use this to take the whole family's blood pressure. But truth be told this thing doubles as a penis pump for your dad."

"She's not quite Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazard. But hell, she's close enough. Besides at my age I don't get too many of these opportunities."

Man: **Does Bird call** "What Happen to that Boy?" Woman: "Honey let's go! I told you that no matter how many times you do that stupid bird call you will not be ballin like Baby from Cash Money Millionaires."

"Ladies and gentlemen I am broadcasting live from atop a 7-Story building where I will attempt to be the first reporter to end his fear of heights on Live television."

Okay that's all I could find online. Hope you got at least 1 or 2 laughs out of those. Hell I got more than a few while writing. LoL. I'll try to find more random pics for another of these posts at a later date.

--C-Recks--

The Mother Load

A couple of weeks ago I was at work and dealing with an irate customer over the phone. This is probably an every day occurrence in my line of work. So, it's nothing for me to maintain my professionalism while being verbally badgered by customers. This particular customer had his car repossessed and was upset because when he got his car back he had no license plates. So, he was going off about the fact that he couldn't drive his car with no plates. As I'm trying my best to help this customer he starts speaking Spanish in the back ground. Now I'm in no way fluent in the Espanol language. However, I did use to live in California for about 7 years. During those years a lot of my friends in school were Hispanic. So, I picked up on a lot of Spanish words that I still can recall. Fortunately/Unfortunately, those particular words happen to be mainly the curse words.

So as I'm explaining to him the procedure he must go through in order to get his plates, I can hear him saying in Spanish MF this, F**k that, B**ch this, A-Hole that. Now again, I sometimes deal with irate customers on a daily so phone bullies don't bother me because any one can be big and bad over the phone. However, when I over heard him say in Spanish "F**k your Mother" well let's just say at that point a nerve was officially struck. In an attempt to maintain my professionalism I had to hang up on that customer. Although the black in me wanted to serve his ass with a few choice words of my own, I was able to hold back in an effort to keep my job. Brother got child support and bills to pay. LoL.

I honestly had to think about the last time I even had someone say something about my mom. It had been quite a long time. I want to say around 5th grade. But it was only because for some reason other kids would come to me to come up with good "Yo Momma" jokes. I won't front a was pretty good but I'll admit most of my good ones were stolen. The ones I came up with personally were not as funny. LoL. But back then it was fun to joke and talk about someone's mother. At least it wouldn't come to blows in the end. So I'm sure that I had my mother talked about and talked about even more mothers. But I remember I used to get em' with some of the classics like these:



Yo Momma So fat she jumped in the sky and got stuck!
Yo Momma So fat she stepped on a rainbow and made a pack of skittles!
Yo Momma So broke she can't pay attention!
Yo Momma So black she went to night school and was counted absent!
Yo Momma So old her Social Security Number is 1!
Yo Momma So stupid it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.

If you sit back and think about the impact of someone saying "Yo Momma!" it would amaze you. But why is that the one of the top things that can set damn near anyone off? Here's another example. My mother was talking with my son recently. Whatever they were discussing she told him something like "you need to ask yo momma and yo daddy." Well he's only 4 and probably has never experienced having his momma talked about. However, his response to my mother was "what you say about my momma?" We couldn't help but to laugh. But that just goes to show you that hearing someone say "Yo Momma" is enough to get a rise out you even at 4 years old.



Unfortunately I can't go into the history of "Yo Momma" jokes and enlighten you on who delivered the first diss to someone's momma. However, remember when people talked about you when you were a kid, what was usually your mom's favorite response? "So what they talked about Jesus!!" Therefore, that leads me to conclude that if they talked about Jesus I'm pretty sure that someone talked about Jesus' mother as well. I'm sure this one was a popular one back then. I could hear them now "Yo Momma aint no virgin." LoL.

Well it really boils down to the connection between mother and children. She carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you, and then raised you. So how can you not be protective of dear old mom? Although it's never funny when someone talks about your momma, I will admit it's pretty damn funny when someone else's mom is talked about. In fact, hearing someone's mother get talked about is so entertaining MTV even came up with a show dedicated to just that, talking about other people's mothers. The subtly titled "Yo Momma" pins contestants against each other to see who can deliver the best punchlines, jokes, and disses toward their opponents.

Even rappers have capitalized on the fascination of talking about people's mothers. Most people remember the rap group Pharcyde for their hit single "Passin' Me By." However, Passin' Me By was their 2nd single. The group's debut single was actually a comical song entitled "Ya Mama." The song title was pretty self explanatory as the group basically went back and forth talking about someone's mother. More recently Chicago rap group Hotstylz did a song entitled "Yo Mama." But I'll take the original Pharcyde version any day of the week over this version. In my opinion this gong sounds just like their other single "Lookin' Boy" except on a different beat. But you can be the judge.

(Pharcyde - Ya Mama)

(Hotsylz - Yo Mama)

So if you ever find yourself playing the dozens like in the clip below from the show In Living Color now you know to go for the jugular like a vampire. In this case, the jugular being their momma. Just make sure you come correct with your punchlines. I don't want to hear anyone using my old 5th grade punchlines trying pretend like you just made them up. LoL. Finally, to that customer don't think that I forgot about you. I may not have gotten to say it to you over the phone but I certainly will now. Yo Momma is so hairy that she uses a riding lawn mower to shave her back. Matter of fact she hires you and your brothers to come by weekly and landscape it for her. To any Hispanic readers please don't take offense because in actuality the customer did work for a lawn service. LoL. (Oh and that wasn't stolen I made it up all by myself).

(In Living Color)

(White Chicks)

--C-Recks--