A Dog Day Morning

No offense to any animal lovers or anyone that may work for PETA or PAWS or something, but I'm going to start this off by saying something. I hate dogs! Well not exactly hate, I know that's a strong word. But I don't like them and or have a strong disregard for them.

I know that may sound random as hell, but here's what prompted me to say this. I decided to come to work and do some overtime on this past Saturday morning. There were a few of us in the office working. Well for some damn reason my manager chooses to bring her dog to work with her on Saturdays sometimes. Don't ask me why please don't. But anyways I over heard some of the coworkers talking about the manager is coming in and bringing her dog. I say "she must of thought I wasn't coming in because I told her once about that dog."

On a previous Saturday about a year or so ago I'm sitting at my desk working and I hear some damn barking. Next thing you know this 70lb or so canine runs past our office. I'm like WTF? Sounding like the song "Who Let the dogs loose?" *Woof Woof Woof Woof* Then the dog proceeds to come in our office and is sniffing around. Then he comes up to me. I proceeded to say "Can you please get your Dog? I don't do dogs." That was the nicest I could put it considering it was my manager and I was at work. Had I been in the streets I may have said "You better get this MF-ing dog the hell away from me." So I think I was pretty nice about it considering. lol.

Well the manager then says "I will keep him up front with me don't worry." So, I mumbled under my breath oh "I'm not worried." She then does something unthinkable. She picks the dog up and is holding it as if it's a baby. If you could see her with this bag ass 70+ lb. dog in her arms patting it on it's back and rocking it, you would have had the same WTF look on your face. She then proceeds to talk in baby talk to the dog saying, "you have to stay out here because he doesn't like you it's okay girl mommy still wuvs you." Now I never even talked baby talk to my son when he was a baby. Me and his mom both agreed that was a no no! So I couldn't fathom a grown ass woman talking to a dog in baby talk. I guess like Jay-Z said "I'm like a dog I don't speak but I understand, where my dogs at..."

Well when the manager came in this past Saturday there was no dog with her. I guess someone must've got her the message that I was in the office. Now I'm sure some of you are reading and asking yourself what's so wrong with a dog? Why don't you like them? I will say this in their defense. I don't really like any pets. However, if I'm ever ballin' and on MTV Cribs the only pets I will have are some fish. You know those tight ass fish tanks the stars usually have. But I'll have enough money to pay someone to care for it, so I won't be the one changing the water and all that. lol. But just so you know I don't have a fear of dogs or animals, nor am I allergic to them. I simply don't understand what all the hype over them is. Man's best friend? I think not. I already have a best friend. Nevertheless, the main reason I don't care for them is because there are just some things that I will never get when it comes to people and their dogs. Below you will find my list of those things.

Treating dogs like kids

I understand that not everyone has children. In the case of my manager she does not. Therefore, her dog is like her child. Although some treat their dogs as a member of the family, it's not a child. Come on there is a big difference. When it's cold outside I make sure I dress my son warmly so he doesn't get sick. Whenever I see a dog wearing a sweater I just never understand it. I mean I'm not the smartest person in the world, but didn't God give certain animals fur for a reason? And isn't that so that they can withstand extreme temperatures? I mean I never turned past the discovery channel and saw a polar bear rockin a hoodie or a penguin in a scarf. Why? Because God created them to withstand the cold. I know it's more about the dog owner than the dog being cold. They think it's cute. No difference when parents dress their kids up in funny clothes when they're babies. On babies it's cute but on a dog? Come on now.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Why on earth you would let a dog sleep in the bed with you is beyond me. I've known and heard of couples that literally have their dog sleeping in between them. Most dogs are outside at some point in the day, so unless you put shoes on them too they can't be too clean. Also, they s**t and don't wipe. And you mean to tell me you're comfortable with waking up to a dog's ass in your face? Or what about when you and your significant other want turn over in the middle of the night and get a little frisky? You may feel someone licking your face, but it may not be the person you want. LoL.

Kissing the Dog

Speaking of licking your face. I would have to say that a dog licking your face has got to be one of the most disgusting things ever. I don't know if it's just a myth portrayed on TV or not, but don't dogs drink from the toilet? If so why the hell would you want that same tongue licking you in your mouth? I mean really think about it. If you an absolutely fine (wo)man came up to you and asked can they french kiss you right now, most would answer Yes! But what if they said but just so you know I just drank water out of a toilet? I highly doubt most would still want that kiss. So how is a dog any better or cleaner in that respect?


Pick it Up Pick it Up

Now I know that most dog owners adhere to this law and clean up after their pets handle their business. However, those that don't deserve more than a fine if caught. Why should I have to be subjected to possibly stepping in dog s**t if I walk through some grass? I mean when my son was a baby I threw his stinky pampers in the trash not on the ground for someone else to pick up or step in.

Doggy Day Care
I recently overheard a co-worker saying something to another employee about a doggy day care. Apparently one of the amenities of this Doggy Hotel is that they have a streaming web cam available so that you can view your dog on-line at any time. Sounds like a great idea right? Well I went on the site link above to investigate how much such a service would cost. How about the fees are $35 a day or $460 a month. Now as a parent I can only compare this to the cost of day care for children. Which can average from $600 a month or more depending on the facility. I don't know about anyone else but I haven't even heard of a kid's daycare having such a service. I'm sure that many parents would love to be able to view what goes on in their day care facilitiy while their at work. But again that's one of my problems with dogs, some people treat them equal to or better than humans. Some of these doggy hotels even offer traditional spa services such as aroma therapeutic massages and pawdicures. Can a dog really get that stressed out that they need a massage? You have to be kidding me!

Michael Vick
Finally, speaking of Dogs getting treated better than humans... You should have known it was coming when I started talking about the subject of dogs. But we all know the story about Michael Vick and his sentencing to 23 months in Federal prison for his role in the dog fighting conspiracy. I'm not trying to say that what Vick and his co-conspirators did was right. It was definitely illegal and absolutely immoral. And as much as I don't like dogs I definitely wouldn't want to see any animal abused or neglected. However, the problem I have with the Michael Vick situation is that to me it seems that the dogs have been somehow humanized. I mean how many cases have we seen and heard of where a terrible crime has been committed, but the offender(s) are sentenced to little or no time? Take for instance the case of a man that was convicted of only 60 days of jail time in Vermont back in 2006. Believe it or not the man was found guilty of having sexual contact with a 6 year old girl over the course of 4 years. I know that different states have different laws, but 60 damn Days? WTF? You mean to tell me that dog fighting is a worse crime than sexually assaulting a child? That's just a damn shame. It's just a dog!!

Well I could go on and on about expensive Vet bills, dog whisperers, and buying gifts for dogs, but I think you get my point by now. My dislike for dogs isn't from any tragic experience as a kid or anything like that. I just can't for the life of me comprehend why some people go to certain extremes for their dogs. It's fine to have a dog but I say please treat them as a dog not like a human. They're pets and should stay in a pets place.

--C-Recks--

The Mother Load

A couple of weeks ago I was at work and dealing with an irate customer over the phone. This is probably an every day occurrence in my line of work. So, it's nothing for me to maintain my professionalism while being verbally badgered by customers. This particular customer had his car repossessed and was upset because when he got his car back he had no license plates. So, he was going off about the fact that he couldn't drive his car with no plates. As I'm trying my best to help this customer he starts speaking Spanish in the back ground. Now I'm in no way fluent in the Espanol language. However, I did use to live in California for about 7 years. During those years a lot of my friends in school were Hispanic. So, I picked up on a lot of Spanish words that I still can recall. Fortunately/Unfortunately, those particular words happen to be mainly the curse words.

So as I'm explaining to him the procedure he must go through in order to get his plates, I can hear him saying in Spanish MF this, F**k that, B**ch this, A-Hole that. Now again, I sometimes deal with irate customers on a daily so phone bullies don't bother me because any one can be big and bad over the phone. However, when I over heard him say in Spanish "F**k your Mother" well let's just say at that point a nerve was officially struck. In an attempt to maintain my professionalism I had to hang up on that customer. Although the black in me wanted to serve his ass with a few choice words of my own, I was able to hold back in an effort to keep my job. Brother got child support and bills to pay. LoL.

I honestly had to think about the last time I even had someone say something about my mom. It had been quite a long time. I want to say around 5th grade. But it was only because for some reason other kids would come to me to come up with good "Yo Momma" jokes. I won't front a was pretty good but I'll admit most of my good ones were stolen. The ones I came up with personally were not as funny. LoL. But back then it was fun to joke and talk about someone's mother. At least it wouldn't come to blows in the end. So I'm sure that I had my mother talked about and talked about even more mothers. But I remember I used to get em' with some of the classics like these:



Yo Momma So fat she jumped in the sky and got stuck!
Yo Momma So fat she stepped on a rainbow and made a pack of skittles!
Yo Momma So broke she can't pay attention!
Yo Momma So black she went to night school and was counted absent!
Yo Momma So old her Social Security Number is 1!
Yo Momma So stupid it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.

If you sit back and think about the impact of someone saying "Yo Momma!" it would amaze you. But why is that the one of the top things that can set damn near anyone off? Here's another example. My mother was talking with my son recently. Whatever they were discussing she told him something like "you need to ask yo momma and yo daddy." Well he's only 4 and probably has never experienced having his momma talked about. However, his response to my mother was "what you say about my momma?" We couldn't help but to laugh. But that just goes to show you that hearing someone say "Yo Momma" is enough to get a rise out you even at 4 years old.



Unfortunately I can't go into the history of "Yo Momma" jokes and enlighten you on who delivered the first diss to someone's momma. However, remember when people talked about you when you were a kid, what was usually your mom's favorite response? "So what they talked about Jesus!!" Therefore, that leads me to conclude that if they talked about Jesus I'm pretty sure that someone talked about Jesus' mother as well. I'm sure this one was a popular one back then. I could hear them now "Yo Momma aint no virgin." LoL.

Well it really boils down to the connection between mother and children. She carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you, and then raised you. So how can you not be protective of dear old mom? Although it's never funny when someone talks about your momma, I will admit it's pretty damn funny when someone else's mom is talked about. In fact, hearing someone's mother get talked about is so entertaining MTV even came up with a show dedicated to just that, talking about other people's mothers. The subtly titled "Yo Momma" pins contestants against each other to see who can deliver the best punchlines, jokes, and disses toward their opponents.

Even rappers have capitalized on the fascination of talking about people's mothers. Most people remember the rap group Pharcyde for their hit single "Passin' Me By." However, Passin' Me By was their 2nd single. The group's debut single was actually a comical song entitled "Ya Mama." The song title was pretty self explanatory as the group basically went back and forth talking about someone's mother. More recently Chicago rap group Hotstylz did a song entitled "Yo Mama." But I'll take the original Pharcyde version any day of the week over this version. In my opinion this gong sounds just like their other single "Lookin' Boy" except on a different beat. But you can be the judge.

(Pharcyde - Ya Mama)

(Hotsylz - Yo Mama)

So if you ever find yourself playing the dozens like in the clip below from the show In Living Color now you know to go for the jugular like a vampire. In this case, the jugular being their momma. Just make sure you come correct with your punchlines. I don't want to hear anyone using my old 5th grade punchlines trying pretend like you just made them up. LoL. Finally, to that customer don't think that I forgot about you. I may not have gotten to say it to you over the phone but I certainly will now. Yo Momma is so hairy that she uses a riding lawn mower to shave her back. Matter of fact she hires you and your brothers to come by weekly and landscape it for her. To any Hispanic readers please don't take offense because in actuality the customer did work for a lawn service. LoL. (Oh and that wasn't stolen I made it up all by myself).

(In Living Color)

(White Chicks)

--C-Recks--