Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Bad to the Phone

In the blog Nanny Government my brother mentioned the recent implementation of the hand held cell phone ban in the State of California. Now here in the city of Chicago, Illinois the law has been in place for a couple years already. I'm not one to break many laws but this is one law that I just can't seem to abide by. Recently, someone told me that text messaging while driving is also illegal and you can be ticketed for it just like you can talking on your hand held cell phone.

Now I do have a bluetooth head set. However, I honestly don't talk on the phone that much to even use it. Others that are on the phone a frequent amount of time usually just walk around with their bluetooth in their ear. But I don't. Therefore, if I happen to get a call or need to make a call while driving I will use my hand set. As for text messaging, well that's the purpose of even having the type of phone that I have which is a Side Kick 3. It is designed specifically for text messaging. The qwerty keyboard actually resembles that of a real keyboard. Also, the calling plan I have comes with unlimited text messages. The fact is I'm more likely to send a text message than make a phone call.

According to many of the states have used crash data to back up their reasons for having a ban on handheld cell phones. Therefore, I am not disputing the fact that the laws exist or whether or not driving and talking on a hand held cell phone is dangerous or not. I'm simply stating my case. I'm speaking for myself. This is how I would present my case if I ever got ticketed and had to go to court for using my cell phone and or text messaging.

First of all your honor that's a nice robe you have on. I know it's officially after Labor Day but does that come in white? LoL. I'm just kidding. Well as you know I was ticketed for driving while text messaging. I understand why the law is in place and by no means am I stating that I am above the law. However, I want to let the record show that me text messaging while driving is not at all a distraction to me operating my motor vehicle.

I'm sure you're wondering how is that possible? Well when I use my phone to send a text I don't have to look at the keyboard in order to type. The qwerty keyboard is exactly like a computer keyboard. I sit at a desk all day at work typing on a computer. So I know the location of the keys by memory. If you would like can demonstrate this for you. Now you're probably thinking that's fine that you don't have to look at the phone while you text but how do you drive when your hands are on your phone and not the steering wheel?

Well I'm glad you asked because I also have another unique talent that I can utilize while driving. I have the ability to drive/steer the car with my knee. I used to watch my father do this when I was younger and was fascinated by it. So it was only a matter of time until after years of driving that my brother and I were able to pick up on this nifty trick. Now I know you're probably picturing me driving with my knee and sending a text message and thinking OMG you're going to kill someone or yourself. But actually it's very safe if you know what you're doing. See my left knee steers the vehicle while my right foot covers the brake/gas.

Again, I can only speak for myself when I say I can safely and effectively operate a vehicle in this manner. Simply put I am a multi-tasker by nature and have the ability to do many things at once. Therefore, this ticket that I received stating I was driving while distracted is actually incorrect and should be overturned. In fact, I believe that there are things that distract drivers far more often than a cell phone. Also, those things could potentially cause accidents more frequent than using a cell phone while driving. I'd like to call into evidence a number of these items just to prove my point.

Exhibit A - Watching Porn
Now some may be thinking why would watching porn be a distraction while you're driving? Or you may be thinking that you have to be a damn freak to be watching porn while you're driving. Well when I say porn I'm not referring to watching it in my car. First of all I have no TVs in my car. Second of all it's definitely not that serious. However, those individuals that do think it's that serious should be required to tint their windows. The distraction comes in when you pull up behind them. And of course you're going to automatically be intrigued as to what their watching. Once you find out it's porn the likelihood of you trying to watch is inevitable. So the next thing you know you find yourself tailgating the car in front of you just to watch their TV. But as soon as they hit their brakes BAM!! you plow into their bumper.

Exhibit B - Eating
I remember once my mom told me that she was once riding somewhere with my brother. As he was driving he pulled out a plate of food to eat. Now finger food is one thing but apparently this was a Thanksgiving style plate of food. One that required a fork to eat. She described it as him holding the plate in one hand, the fork in the other, and driving with his knee. The ironic part was he happen to be driving a stick shift. Yet he was able to drive to perfection doing all that. However, there are others that are not as skilled. Therefore even eating a simple hamburger and fries can be a distraction. So, imagine someone driving along eating their lunch and as they take a bite of that burger ketchup squirts out onto their nice suit. The immediate reaction will be to look down and in that split second CRASH!! there is another rear end accident.

Exhibit C - Grooming
When people are running late for work in the morning they're liable to do any and everything thing to save time. Most of the time saving activities involve grooming of some sort. Anything from shaving, to teeth brushing, to hair combing. However, I must fault you ladies for this last distraction. Putting on make up while driving! Now come on. I've seen women take forever to put on make up in the bath room mirror. Not to mention it seems to take the precision of a surgeon to apply some of that stuff. How in the world you put on mascara without poking your damn eye out is beyond me. But the point is that there can be no way you can apply make up in the rear view or visor mirror and drive safely. That's just an accident waiting to happen.

Exhibit D -Pretty Women
Now of course I have no problem with pretty women by any stretch of the imagination. But any guy (straight guys that is) will have to admit that when pretty women will always be a distraction. It doesn't matter if they're driving in the car next to you, walking down the street, or if they happen to be your passenger. The point is that when a guy sees a pretty girl he will look and even stare if it can go unnoticed. I've seen guys (myself included) damn near break they neck to look at a good looking female that they drove past. I've also literally seen guys hang out the car window to look at, whistle at, and holla at a female. So bottom line is that good looking females are definitely a distraction to a male driver.

Exhibit E - Billboards
I know that the purpose of billboards are to grab attention. But most billboards are strategically placed along side highways. However, I will admit some are pretty distracting to drivers. I've seen plenty of billboards that caught my attention. The problem with some is that you have to do some reading to figure out what the billboard is advertising. So imagine traveling 65+ miles per hour and then passing a billboard that caught your eye and trying to figure out what it is says. Exactly!! It will take a lot of concentration. Also, it will divert your eyes from the road for a good amount of time. And if I was driving on this road and saw this billboard of Beyonce in a bikini I'd probably smash into the median trying to look at this sign. LoL.

Exhibit F - Bad Ass Kids
There is probably nothing worse than or more aggravating than a car full of kids. Now if those kids happen to be bad ass kids it's enough do "drive" any one crazy. But when you have 2 kids fighting, another crying, then another throwing stuff at you in the drivers seat I'd say that makes for a distraction. Some skilled/long armed parents have the ability to lay hands on their children (not in the biblical sense) while still being able to drive safely. But other than that you're probably one scream or cry away from slamming on the brakes and taking off your belt.

So, there you have it your honor. If you are going to ticket me for what you consider a distraction to my driving then I would say that you need to start ticketing me and every one else for things that are an even bigger distraction. The things I mentioned are only a few of probably many more that I could name. But you get the gist of what I'm saying. I throw myself on the mercy of the court and ask that this ticket be overturned. I rest my case.

Guilty or Not Guilty? Was my argument convincing enough? You be the judge. LoL


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