Testimony Tuesday

Well we had to take a week off due to just being down right busy. But we're back with another Testimony Tuesday. I know it's still a day late because it's Wednesday, but at least we're back. We had quite a few e-mails over the break, and as usual we can't get to them all but here is the latest Tuesday Testimony.

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Bros,

Ok here's the situation. I got involved with this girl a few months back. She's a real laid back cool ass chick. Attractive, funny, smart, etc. all the good stuff a guy would want in a girl. Well you know how everyone has a deal breaker when it comes to relationships and dating? Well mines is dogs. I truly can't stand the filthy muts! And I always vowed I would never date a chick with a dog.

Well when I met this girl I didn't know at first about the dog but within a week of knowing her quickly found out. Well as you and any fellas know when it comes to a fine woman a guy will compromise certain things. So I decided as long as I don't have to be around the dog then it shouldn't really affect me. So I went ahead and lied about my dislike of dogs and significatnly downplayed how much I hated them. Basically she thought I was cool with them.

Well gradually as we progressed thinking that I didn't have a problem with dogs she started bring the dog around more and more. Long story short now I'm in too deep in dog shit! Literally!! She's got me dog sitting, walkiing the dog, cleaning up it's shit, playing with the damn thing. I'm trying not to go Mike Vick on the poor Dog but I don't know how much more I can take. I mean she's fine but if her and the dog are a package deal I may have to return to sender!

What should I do?

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Driza Dre: Well, I know this topic was near and dear to your heart considering you're such a dog lover. LOL

C-Recks: Lmao I feel his pain man! “But if you having girl problems I feel bad for you son.” Unfortunately, he’s probably wishin he was on some jay-z shit “99 problems but a bitch wasn't one.” Lol

DD: The dog right? Lol

CR: Lmao oh… yeah. Lol

DD: Man, the funny thing is that the whole time I'm reading it, I'm thinking, if she fine, this really ain't an issue. I mean, a whole lotta brothas have put up with a whole lot worse in the infinite pursuit of P. Suck it up, and do what you gotta do.

CR: Man I'm trying to think how fine a chick would have to be for me to put up would a damn dog though! I mean is she Rachel from Caribbean Rhythms fine or Rachel Ray fine? I know Rachel Ray is yo girl. Lol

DD: I know we always talk about dimes, but even a 5 that can cook is a 7 in my book. Food means a lot to me.

CR: Lol man I feel you on that but the dog is getting most of the kibbles and bits in this instance

DD: Its still just a dog. But I did think of a couple of instances in which this dog is a relationship killer.
1) If she puts any kind of clothing on the dog when she makes you walk it
2) If she kisses the dog on the mouth or asks you to kiss the dog on the mouth
3) If the pooch doesn't have its own bed cuz it sleeps in the bed with her

DD: Any of those, and its time to be out man

CR: Man those are all reasons I can't stand dogs and dog lovers! Lol

DD: Well not all dog owners are those kinda dog owners. Some actually treat their pets like pets

CR: Well my man didn't get into the specifics but its gotta be something major for him to be ready to leave a dime chick over it. So should he just man up and deal with the dog? Or should he come clean about his dislike for the mangy mut?

DD: Well, I would come clean about it. But only if he's willing to work with her on the dog issue. Cuz the dog ain't going away. And if he presents it on some its either him, or me stuff, brotha might as well pack his bags right now. But I am saying that if the chick and the relationship are worth it, this is a minor problem. She'll know that if he's worth keeping around, she needs to be more understanding of the fact that dogs really aren't his thing.

CR: Right she ain't pickin the nigga over her dog. If he comes clean he may just be able to get outta of some of the dog duties. But something tells me he may be killin himself like suicide if he says anything. She ain't gone appreciate him lying to get wit her and furthermore won't appreciate him not liking her dog.

DD: It could go that way, but I kinda doubt it will

CR: Well more than anything like you've said guys have had to endure far worse things to stay with a dyme so even from a dog hater I agree this is minor to be with dime status. I'm sure another nigga with an alergy to dogs would gladly deal with this dude's chick and her dog any given day.

CR: So that's just some food for thought for him to chew on.

DD: Man, tis better to have a fine chick with a dog than to have to settle for a chick that looks like one. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

CR: Lmao !! You a fool 4 that one, But u 4sho right.

DD: Well that's it in a nut shell for me. If the relationship is worth it, you gotta take the chance, and speak your peace. And see where it goes from there

CR: Man dimes don't come too frequent to the average guy. So I say count your blessings and endure whatever minor pain you must in order to keep her.

DD: Cuz if you don't, some other dog will!

CR: Exactly it's "dog eat dog" And as they say "Every dog has his day," so enjoy yours while it lasts. **DMX Bark**

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Well that's our take on it. Any readers that want to give any other tips or helpful advice please leave your comments. And if you have a testimony please leave your anonymous post or e-mail.

--C-Recks--

--Driza Dre--

Sweetest Hangover

So as you all may know I recently started my new job. I thank all of you that wished me success. A few have asked how the new job was going. So I figured I'd take a little time to give you guys a little update on my new place of employment.

First of all I must say that I don't know why but my family thought my last job was some big G-14 Classified secret mystery. They often referred to me as Tommy from Martin (You aint got no Damn Job Maaaan!! LoL). Especially my brother. But they would often ask me what did I really do? As much as I explained they didn't seem to believe me. LoL.

Well with this new job all of that has changed. It is blatantly obvious as to what I am doing now. In this new position I am employed by a major chocolate manufacturer. I'm sure there are plenty of chocolate lovers out there. But the funny thing about it is I don't really even eat chocolate like that. I mean maybe every now and then, but it's a rarity. Well if chocolate is your weakness this is definitely not a place you would want to work. Much like I could never want to work as a sampler in a beer factory or a P-factory. LMAO.

Let me just tell you when you walk into the building the smell is overwhelming. And don't call yourself being on the Kanye get right for the summer work out plan. You can forget it, because that's not going to work here. They keep chocolate on tap for the employees. In my interview it was about 10 AM and one lady I was interviewing with asked me "Do you need anything? Water, coffee, or chocolate?" I was thinking chocolate at 10 am? Are you crazy? Well apparently she was serious. As you can see from the pics below the chocolate is just in candy dishes around the office and building. There is a lady whose job is to re-fill the candy dishes when they get low.

When I first saw their benefits package I wondered why in the hell the dental plans were so low. But now I realize exactly why they were so low. The reason being is because they're probably helping keep plenty of dentists across Chicago in business.

But so far I'm liking the job. Although there are definitely some characters, the people are really nice. I of course work with mostly all women again. But definitely not as bitter and annoying as at my old job. There are other black people around me so I'm not the odd man out anymore. One thing I forgot about working for larger companies is those damn birthday clubs. By Day 5 they were already recruiting me. And by week #2 I already had to contribute $5 to someone's birthday in my department. They're having some kind of party today. I thought about saying I barely even know y'all yet so why would I contribute. But then I heard someone say that there are no more birthdays til summer. Then I thought well my birthday is in a couple months so a $5 investment isn't too bad as long as I get hooked up come May. LoL.

My longer commute isn't too bad. Far from my 2 minute drive I used to have to the old drive. But it's not as bad as I thought. Well that was until my Ipod went out on me. But I'm still managing for now. Also, my new work space is bigger than at the old place as you can see below. Day one they had my name plate up on my desk made me feel kind of important. Lol. Also they're really high tech with wireless headsets and stuff like that. I was pretty impressed. But I guess a real company doesn't mind spending money. What a concept.

Now my brother and I will never hesitate to take a couple of cheap shots at each other where possible. The only downfall to the job is that I've left him with what seems like unlimited ammunition to shoot me a new nickname when he feels like it. So far I've been called Cory Wonka, R.Kelly (Chocolate Factory), and Candy Man. I'm sure he's not done yet. He's probably saving some of the better ones for later. But if anyone has any good ones for him feel free to join in. Don't worry I'm not sensitive so don't worry about hurting my feelings. In fact I just thought of a good one myself. You ready? Give it up for "Sexual Chocolate!! Sexual Chocolate! That Boy's good!!" LMAO.

--C-Recks--

Wanted: Dead or Alive

I was inspired to share this story after reading Sharon aka The True Urban Queen's Blog.

About one month ago. I was at my best friend's house. She was going to make a run, but as she left and got down stairs she called me. "Can you come help me clean the snow off of my car?" Now it had snowed greatly for a day and a half straight so there was a significant amount of snow (The picture below is of my car taken the same day as this story took place. Gotta Love Chicago weather in the winter). So I replied "Sure I'll be right down." I didn't think I would take long so I didn't grab my coat.

As I come down I realized I should have grabbed the coat as the windows were coated with ice then snow on top of that. So, I got to scraping the ice and snow off of the truck. It took me longer than expected, but eventually I get most of it off, all but one window on the passenger side. But it was enough so that she could drive. Now as I was finishing up I noticed out of the corner of my eye a little old [black] lady with a cane slowly trekking past me in the snow. Now I couldn't tell where she was heading at first. There was a car close that had no snow on it, also she could have just been walking past. But I said in my mind I'm thinking "I know this lady isn't about to get in one of these cars with snow on them."

So I finished with the snow removal and I go to head back upstairs. So as I turn back I notice BFF is struggling to get the truck out of the parking space. So I go back and got in the car and pulled it out of the space. Now keep in mind that in the time from when I first saw the old lady to when I pulled the truck out of the space I saw at least 3 able bodied men pass by. I must assume they saw the old lady as they really couldn't have missed her given where she was standing. So, once I get the truck out I look over and asked my BFF "Is that old lady brushing the snow off her car?" She says "I can't tell from where I'm at." I tell her to give me the snow brush before she leaves and I head over to help the lady.

Now this lady had to easily be in her mid 70's if not older. But I kid you not, as I walked up to the car the lady is pushing the snow off of her car with her cane! I immediately asked if she needed any help. She says [use your best old lady voice here] "Well I was trying to do it, but it's just so much snow and ice." She said she had a snow brush in the car, I tell her I got one already and proceeded to work on the ice. I started on the windshield and she got her brush and started on the drivers side of the very same windshield. Now I'm scraping my ass off and not seeming to make any leeway. But then I had to be easy as I wasn't trying to have an ice chunk fly up and hit the old lady in the eye or something. I tried to tell her to just either sit in the car or go back to the door and wait while I get the snow and ice off. Thinking about it, I wanted to take a break myself and warm up. Remember I still had no coat on.

But back to the lady. Now although she was trying hard, her efforts were not even putting a dent into removing the snow let alone the caked on ice. However, the lady seemed to be very self sufficient and insisted on helping as well. My great grandmother was this same way, so the fact she wanted to help and or do it herself I totally understood. So I proceeded to go to the back window and let her work on the front. I let her know she should put on the defrost, so she stops brushing the snow. As I turned to walk to the rear of the car she started to turn towards the driver's side door. Next thing I know I look over and she's losing her balance. The lady lets out an "Oh Lord!" and I see her fall over!

I quickly ran over to the driver's side and make sure the lady is okay. She said she was fine. So I proceeded to help the lady up onto her feet. She then said "I'm done, I'm just going to let car warm up and defrost on it's own." I asked if she wanted me to try to finish she said "that's okay I'm not in a rush I'll just let it defrost." So I told the lady to at least let me walk her back to the door. Arm in arm we take baby steps over the snow and ice up to the front door.

Next, the lady told me "I have to go upstairs and get you a little something for helping me out." I immediately replied to her that there was no need for any financial reward I didn't mind helping her out at all. She said "Well thank God you were here young man, because I would still be on the ground in that snow if you weren't. Just last year I had the same thing happen and I broke my hip." She started to go on about how her people usually come to do stuff like this for her but no one has come to do it, so she had to do it herself. I asked one last time if she needed anything else and she said no so I proceeded back upstairs.

So there you have it. Chivalry at it's finest. So it can't be dead. Right? Unfortunately, I am only one man amongst billions and can only speak for myself. Well scratch that, my brother as well since we were raised by the same parents. In that raising we were brought up to be gentlemen. My grandfather probably instilled this more than anyone. But honestly, I just look at situations like the above story from the perspective of what if it was my grandmother, mom, cousin or best friend? I would hope that a man would lend them a hand in that situation. I'm sure that there are plenty of other men that open doors for women, will give up their seat on the bus for a woman or even help a damsel in distress as I did. Now don't go asking me where they are at because that I wouldn't be able to tell you. LoL. But this does go to show you that chivalry isn't dead. Although at times it may seem to be on life support, it is not dead. So ladies please don't sign that DNR (Do not Resuscitate) form and pull the plug on chivalry.
--C-Recks--

Time Waits For No Man

"Ooh Girl!" - An Honest R&B Song



I came across this video on Myspace last week and I found it to be hilarious. These guys are brutally honest when it comes to their bedroom performance. Far from what most R&B songs try to fool women into thinking. But they addressed a subject I already had in draft but never completed and posted. So, I am now incorporating the 2 together. One of the main subjects the video address was the sexual performance time. My man broke it down to the exact number of minutes, you will get out of him. He wasn't fronting and telling you he was gone go at it all night like you hear in most R&B songs (Don't the Viagra commercials say an erection lasting more than 4 hours should seek immediate medical attention? LoL). For instance, songs like Freak Me (Silk), Freakin' You (Jodeci), Makin' Good Love (Avant), All Nite All Day (Ginuwine), Bump & Grind Remix (R.Kelly), Bed (J.Holiday). Etc. This list can go on for days. But you best believe I know what to put on when its sexy time! Lmao.

Now a good while ago there was a rare occasion where I was watching the morning news. Actually I wasn't even watching, but it happen to be on as I was getting ready for work. Well the topic of sex came up and my ears perked up like a dog hearing kibbles and bits. So I of course began to watch more closely. The show had a sex therapist on and she was discussing a new study done that reveals the actual length of time the "average" woman prefers sex to be. Utterly intrigued by this point I stopped ironing my clothes and was glued in front of the TV.

Well much to my shock this so called expert goes on to tell me and the world that was up at 8am that a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine stated this nonsense. "Sex lasting less than 3 minutes is considered as too short, while more than 13 minutes of sex are regarded to as too long. 7 to 13 minutes were rated as most “desirable” length of time of sex. Many sex therapists consider coitus that lasts as little as 3 minutes to be of adequate length."

Now my first reaction upon hearing this was to literally LOL. Followed by a swift "Bullshit!!" And lastly topped off with a "Get the F**K Outta here!!" Then I pondered to myself "I hope for the sake of men that that time length included some 4-Play, [no make that 12-Play] or else this study is about to sky rocket the divorce rate higher and faster gas prices 6 months ago."

I later went online to gather more information about this so called study. Well you can read it for yourself here. Basically this study surveyed a number of random men and women in Canada and the U.S. and based on those responses and their expert opinions they have come up with this conclusion which they chose to publish in this medical journal.

Alright now it's my turn. I'm definitely no sexpert nor do I have a doctorates in medicine or any certificates in sex therapy. Therefore, I am only speaking from my own personal perspective and experience. So with that said I feel like there is no damn way that a woman is going to be satisfied with a man giving her 3 minutes of sex! And if this is true I'm sure most men like me are asking themselves where are these alien women that they speak of? Or has Captain Kirk already got to them all? LoL.

Maybe it's just me, but even the 7-13 minutes that they claim is desirable just seems to be off about a good 20-30 minutes or more. Now I've seen it done in as little as 3 minutes [As Nas Said "I'm Hercules Hercules when it comes to Relations." LOL ;-)] and definitely in the 7-13 minute range. But "IF" (and that's a big "if" for some...sorry to say) in that 7-13 minutes the man manages to satisfy his woman and bring her to orgasm, in my experience that doesn't mean your job is done. Although I've been told and have heard women say "As long as I get mines it doesn't matter how long it lasts." I'm not too sure most women would say alright I got my one now it's done. Sadly, that's usually the man saying such a thing, whether verbally or non-verbally. Cue the Snoring (Zzzzzzz). I personally can't get down like that. But then again, perhaps I'm just a tad greedy and a bit of an over achiever. LMAO. But we have to remember the fact that women are multi-orgasmic. So to a man this translates to good job in the first 7-13 minutes now do it a couple more times just for good measure. LoL. And if you do happen to finish also, you better catch your breath and get back out in the ring for round 2. In the words of the Great Muhammad Ali "Rumble Young Man Rumble." LoL.

I wouldn't personally know about this, but I gotta ask. What if you're one of those unfortunate brothers that can't last long enough to get the job done? LoL SMH! Would the ladies prefer he go the honest route like the guys in the video and put it out there up front? Or for him to just keep quiet and see what it does or don't do? Or to just Lie? LoL. I'm sitting here just envisioning this scenario. The moment is getting heated up and "It's about to go Down." All of a sudden the man stops then turns to the lady and says "Hey just so you know this ain't gone last but about 7-13 Minutes. But don't worry in that time I'm gone give it all I got." I'm a gambling man so I'm willing to bet all I got that most any woman's clothes will magically come back on Cris Angel style. Then someone is leaving right away, either her or you depending on whose place you're at. I know the ladies have a thing about wasting a number on a guy that don't "come with it" so to speak. And if you don't know what I mean by wasting a number then ask the female that's closest to you right now I'm sure she'll school you real quick. LoL

But regardless of which the ladies prefer there is one thing that remains a big No! No! Yep you guessed it that would be Bragging! I don't know if you can blame the R&B Songs that brag about putting it on you all night long, screaming my name, and putting you to bed and tucking you in or what? Yes these things can and do happen. However, for the life of me I don't know why guys brag when it comes to their bedroom tactics. I mean if it's your woman or someone you've already did the damn thing with and they can vouch for you then by all means get your brag on. But if you're trying to get a woman to sleep with you for the first time, don't brag (trust she's heard it all before). Especially if you know that your results in the past have been less than stellar, then why even say anything? If she asks play it off! "Aw well you know I do what I do!" LoL. But don't set yourself up to be embarrassed and eventually put on blast. I've read too many blogs of women (even some of our followers.lol) blasting a brother out for not coming with it in the bedroom. But I'm sure if he didn't brag about what he was gone do prior to, then she may have over looked the infraction and spared him the embarrassment. Yet you chose the wrong door like that one on Let's Make A Deal with the Donkey behind it. So, now everyone at the job, school, church (or where ever you met her) and the entire blog community knows about your "short comings." LoL.

Honestly, I prefer the quiet and reserved approach and not to even mention it at all. Now if you ask I'll be honest and let you know how my past performance has been graded and that I have not gotten any complaints. However, I won't guarantee anything on a first time being sexual with someone. I know for a fact that all women are different; therefore, just because I did XXX Y and Z with a previous girl and blew her back out, doesn't mean that's going to automatically translate to the new girl. This is no different than if you were to change jobs. You may have been a top performer at your previous job, but this is a new company and possibly new and more challenging "position." So, basically you can't guarantee any results. LoL.

When it boils down to it I personally feel like the pressure is mainly on men to perform. Unfortunately, the man is supposed to feel privileged to even have an opportunity to have a go at it. Therefore, he better make the best of the chance he's being given. Now, maybe for some the pressure is too much and they can't step up and make it happen. Although no man wants to be considered a Minute Man , especially since they make songs about them (50 grand I get this on one take. LoL). But I guess just like anything in life there are somethings some are better at. And consequently that means that someone must also be bad at it as well. However, I can only speak for self. So before y'all start questioning me I must say that I've never fallen into this 7-13 minute range category. I can get material witnesses to testify if I have to. LoL. In fact, if I could quickly I'd tell this story about the Robin Thicke CD... But sadly I've run out of time and can't, so you have to use your imagination as to what I'm referring to. LoL. Any one that can guess it I got a prize for you. LMAO.

--C-Recks--

Just Deserts

Don't worry I didn't make a simple spelling error in my title. You'll understand the spelling as you continue to read. So, a few months my best friend was having an argument with some guy about who was thirstier men or women? So she e-mails me and asks my take on it. Well my immediate response was "Men of course!" My first example proving my point to her was for her to simply log into her myspace. I told her that I bet with her just being logged in [cue the blinking on-line indicator] and not doing anything more that the guys would flock. However, if I were to do the exact same I would maybe [on a good day] receive 1 request to her every 5-10. Unfortunately, she agreed with me that guys are thirstier; therefore, she didn't try my little "social-networking" experiment.

However, my blog entry "It's a One-derful Life" prompted another friend of mines to re-open their previously closed myspace account to prove a point. On her profile she listed 10 items about her as I did in the aforementioned blog. However, she proceeded to tell me that the "resume" as she called it, prompted her to receive 70 friend requests. All of these requests came within a matter of barely 24 hours, from men wanting to be her "One." Well without even asking her to participate she conducted my "social networking" experiment for me. So my response to her was that the 10 items was irrelevant. I feel that even without her putting her 10 items on there that just a picture and no words would have gotten at least half of those requests. Why? Because guys are thirsty.

Still not convinced? Well here's yet another example. A few years ago I was in the grocery store picking up some items for my grandmother. Well my eye spotted a gorgeous woman shopping and pushing her cart along. Now before my mind could even formulate the thought of stepping up to her and say something someone had already beat me to the punch. So, I played the back and watched her shut this guy down as he walked away shaking his head. Within less than a minute I saw another guy make the same attempt only to be shut down. As guy #2 was shut down there was a third guy lurking in the shadows just hoping for his turn. Even after seeing guy #2 get shut down, the third guy proceeds to take his chance. By this time I'm simply laughing because it's become quite comical. Well it's no surprise that guy #3 got the same treatment as his 2 predecessors. The young lady proceeded to the meat department to pick out some poultry, but it wasn't long before guy #4 made his appearance. I couldn't hear what any of them were saying to her, but with her picking out chicken, I'm sure his "original recipe" line that he used wasn't too original. Therefore, he was sent home with no consolation prize along with the previous contestants.

Well I won't front that my mind was thinking hell "give it your best shot worst she can say is no." However, I then thought of it in this way. If I just saw 4 people try to cross the same bridge and all met the same fate of falling in the water would I still try to cross? The answer was an astounding Hell No!! Plug up the Gps and find yourself another route. LoL. So, I told myself I'm just not a thirsty type guy and simply admired her beauty from a distance and kept it moving.

I mean I know I'm from Chicago and perhaps thirstiness just exists here, but I doubt that's the case. I've come to realize that Chicago niggaz just take it to an extreme level. However, I'm sure that women from all over the world can attest to the fact that they've experienced many moments dealing with thirsty guys. We've attempted to come up with a list, let's go through it and see how far we get.

- The guy that buys you a drink at the club and thinks you drinking that drink is some sort of non-verbal contract obligating you to talk to him the rest of the night. So he follows you around the club all night.

- The guy that you actually decide to give your number to; however, he doesn't adhere to the 1-2 day buffer and calls you the same day.

- The guy that when he meets you and you won't give him your number decides to give you his number. But not just his number. He includes his work number, his e-mail address, his instant messenger, and just in case you can't reach him at any of those his momma's number.

- The guy that first tries to holla at you. Then when you shut him down moves on to your girl. But when she doesn't give him any love either he then makes an attempt at your other girl. Eventually he goes through the rest of your crew, but even though no one takes his bait it doesn't deter him from trying.

- The guy that you've barely known a week or 2; however, he already wants you to be his woman. But wait he's not just satisfied with you just being his girl. Within that same week or 2, he wants you to meet his momma, be his wife, and go half on a baby with him.

- The guy that calls you and when you don't answer he leaves you a voice mail. But before you can even check the voice mail he's calling you again. But when you don't answer the next time he's sends you a text message. My brother commonly refers to these individuals as Serial Dialers.

- The guy that will admittedly do anything to get you to sleep with him. Including but not limited to offering to buy you any and everything you want as if money will all of a sudden make you want to be with him.

- The guy that sees you walking down the street as he's driving and tries to get your attention by yelling from the car. When you ignore his disrespectful attempt, he continues to drive along side you trying different lines on you hoping you change your mind.

- The guy that you openly treat like s**t, yet he takes your s**t and whatever else you do to him just no matter how bad it is. He doesn't care because he just wants to be with you no matter what.


Alright that's all we could come up with. But feel free to add to the list in your comments I'm sure we've left plenty things out. But the bottom line is that although there are some thirsty women out there, they don't close to match the numbers of thirsty men. I guess some of these guys didn't get the memo that women out number men in most places. You would think that would deter them from being so thirsty; however, it doesn't and it won't.

So to those thirsty men out there. Please stop being so damn thirsty! Ya'll make it harder for us regular guys to even get a chance because of how thirsty the last guy that tried was. So calm your thirsty asses down, for starters here's a glass of water on me. LoL.
--C-Recks--
--DrizaDre--

Elementary My Dear Employee

Objective: Experienced, and educated individual seeking exciting and challenging position within a growing company.

Translation = Please hire me so I can escape this HELL they call a Job.

Like many of you I have been through many years of schooling and now work a 9-5 job. Well maybe it's just me and my job but I swear sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. You name the grade; 1st grade, 6th grade, or 10th Grade. Honestly it tends to vary on a day to day basis. As I have mentioned before I work with mostly women. But I like to consider myself the quiet type employee that basically sticks to himself and does his job for 8 hours a day. I try to mind my own damn business and not get involved in the every day gossip and trivial things that go on in the work place. Basically, I just want to do my time so I can go home at the end of the day.

However, that doesn't stop me from being very observant as to the happenings around our small office. Some things are funny, while others are just down right stupid and a waste of my time and thoughts. You can read examples of what I'm talking about Here. as well as Here. Well recenlty I went throughout the office and taken a few pictures of some things that are just down right ridiculous in nature. They truly make me feel like I'm back in grade school as opposed to at a Job with other adults. As you continue to read you'll see what I mean.

This lovely sign was inspired by the abundant number of individuals that would make their coffee or eat their lunch and leave a damn mess. I don't drink coffee. If I do it's a rare occasion or a very restless couple of nights. Also, I go home for lunch. So there is no chance that I'm the guilty culprit. However, other people think that their mothers work here as well. Therefore, they aren't even considerate enough to clean up after themselves when they make a mess. The sign has slightly deferred some from leaving a mess behind. But then again there are those people that you just wonder to yourself how do they live at home. Like you just know they live nasty as hell.

Here's another sign that's in the kitchen. Now who in today's times doesn't own a microwave oven? Well even if you don't own one I'm sure we've all used a microwave before. Therefore, who doesn't know that when you heat up food in the microwave that food can splatter as it gets hot? Well apparently one or more of the idiots I work with don't know this. Either that or they're just that damn lazy to cover up their food when heating it. Then when they do make a mess once again are so inconsiderate they'll leave the mess for the next person to clean. Well this sign has at least kept the microwave messes to a minimum lately.

Okay here's one last kitchen sign. This sign is posted on the refrigerator just like my [4 year old] son's art work is on my fridge at home. Well anyways this particular sign was inspired for a couple of reasons. First, people would bring their lunch and if they didn't eat it all they would leave it in the fridge. I don't know if they just forgot about it being in there, or if they were just too lazy to take it out and walk the 10 steps to the trash to discard their food. But when the fridge gets full and people try to make room then they notice some old Chinese food or Pizza in the back growing mold. Then someone gets stuck spending 30 minutes cleaning out the fridge. Just ignorant I tell you!!!... Now on to the other part of the sign. So, people put items such as yogurt, soda/pop, juice, and condiments in the fridge for later use. Well some employees feel the need to take other peoples food as if it is community food. We've complained about the problem before. However, after the manager had her yogurt stolen she decided to post this sign on the refrigerator.

Now this sign would be very appropriate and I believe required by law if I were working in a restaurant. However, keep in mind I work in a small office. There are no more than 15-20 people ever in the office at a time. This sign is just appalling to me every time I go to the bathroom. Do you mean to tell me that grown ass people have to be reminded to do something that we were taught to do at 2 years old? Well apparently the answer to that question is a sad yes. This sign was put up after someone pissed all over the toilet seat. Of course that means that a man was the likely culprit. And being one of the few men in the office I was pissed to think that someone may be thinking it was me. Of course that is not the case, given that between my mom and my ex-wife I've spent 25 years living with women. Therefore, I'd say I'm pretty well trained in that department. As for the other part of the sign, another time someone else handled their business and didn't flush. Come on this is just damn ridiculous.



Well these signs can get pretty redundant. I would think that someone would be able to notice that the picture of the man means it's the men's bathroom. Also, the picture of the one in the skirt would mean it's the ladies restroom. Likewise, the one with both the man and woman would be a unisex or co-ed bathroom. Well tell this to the old guy that inspired these signs. The old guy no longer works with us. However, he took it upon himself to bypass the unoccupied men's and unisex restrooms to go into and use the ladies room. Well I don't know why he did this I'd say he must have been an old pervert but who knows. All I know is the women were up in arms about this and stated he even left the toilet seat up. Therefore, the manager was prompted to post these signs on the restrooms just as a reminder. I couldn't get the picture of the men's bathroom but the sign was blue since blue is for boys according to my son. LoL.

Fortunately, that's all that I have for now. But you get the point. I'm sure come next week there will be another stupid violation that will prompt another sign to be posted somewhere. I'm expecting a sign stating "Don't cut in line at the water cooler." Or "Quiet while others are on the phone." Now I know that most of you are thinking how can you even work in an environment like that? Or that I should find a new job fast. Although I'm thankful I even have a job in these tough economic times, trust and believe that I've been trying to escape like Remy Ma. Unfortunately, I've been having the same luck that she did. LoL. But anyone with a job hook up in or around the Chicago Land area by all means holla at ya boy. I'll promptly forward my real resume to you. LoL.

--C-Recks--

I've Got a Job to Do...Doo

I want to apologize in advance for this blog. I have to discuss a subject that I really didn't want to touch. But unfortunately I've fallen victim to this on more than one occasion recently and felt it had to be addressed. I apologize if I'm being just a little gross, but I'm sure I'm not the only person to have ever gone through this before. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way let's get right into it. I work a regular 9-5 job like many of you probably do. I don't necessarily enjoy the job but I go to put in my 8 hours and get out of there. I don't like to deal with things at work that I shouldn't have to. For instance, drama, gossip, and this subject I am tackling now.

Imagine this: You've sat diligently at your desk all morning working quietly not bothering anyone keeping to yourself doing your damn job. You've been drinking your beverage of choice off and on all morning (for me it's simply water). Eventually the water starts to settle and fill up your bladder. You want to run to the bathroom but you get stuck on an extended call that can't be interrupted for right now. So as soon as you finish up that call you go running to the bathroom. But no sooner than you open up the door you get hit with it like a punch from Mike Tyson in his prime!!!

Yes that's right the funk from the bathroom has just damn near knocked your ass out like Suge Knight.

WTF?? There are no other bathrooms available, so now you're stuck with 2 choices either damn near piss your pants or hold your breath for the next minute in an attempt to not inhale the toxic scent. So you choose to brave the dreaded Area 51 wishing you had a gas mask. You take a deep breath, run in, quickly handle your business. wash your hands, and run out of the bathroom. You exit feeling like you've been waiting to exhale longer than Terri McMillan. But no sooner than you open the door to come out what happens? Yep you guessed it. Someone is coming in right behind you. Dammit!! Now what's the first thing that they're going to think when they walk in? Yes they are going to think that you're the one that did the terrible deed when in fact, you were simply an innocent victim just as they are about to be. And you just know they're going to say something to someone about the bathroom being funky as hell and they saw you come out last.

Not to put my personal bathroom business out there but I personally have never been comfortable enough to let's say have a seat in the bathroom at work. I understand the concept of when you have to go you have to go but does that really mean just go anywhere? My problem is this. I work in a small office. So in it there are 3 bathrooms. 1 that only the women use, 1 that the few men that work there use, and 1 that's pretty much a uni-sex bathroom. Now keep in mind that these aren't huge bathrooms with stalls and urinals. This is just a simple bathroom. There's a toilet there, a sink and a mirror. So imagine my pain when this situation occurs. It feels like the equivalent of being trapped in the gas chamber. Then just as in the situation I described above someone happens to walk in after me. Of course it so happens I was trapped in the uni-sex bathroom and one of the ladies walks in right after I exit. So great now I'm going to be known as the guy that s**ts at work. And again the same exact scenario has happened to me on more than one occasion so I'm pretty sure by now I have a title or nickname that I have yet to hear.

Here's my problem with the whole thing. It really boils down to respect for your fellow co-workers. I mean who hasn't caught a case of the bubble guts at some point? But see in my case I feel like I'm getting caught up behind a repeat offender. Yep that's right I'm snitchin because much like in the interrogation room they are trying to pin this on me and I'm not taking the wrap for it. Plus I don't even like the lady anyways. LoL. So here's the perpetrator she's an older lady probably late 50's or early 60's, so you know they bowels are probably looser to begin with. But my problem is that she drinks 3-4 cups of coffee every morning. Now come on you should know that coffee can act as a laxative at times. So it's no wonder why she's getting up to use the bathroom all morning. Then next comes lunch time. Now no offense to any one reading that is Hispanic. However, this lady is Hispanic and she usually eats Hispanic food for lunch. You know tacos, enchiladas, beans, rice and what not. Again I'm no expert but beans usually = having to use the bathroom. Now again to each their own. I'm not comfortable doing that but you do you. However, when you get done please warn the next person not to go in after you. You know damn well Lysol Spray or any other aerosol spray is not going to cover up the smell. So either put a sign on the door or at least do like Pops from the movie Friday said "Don't nobody go in there for at least about 35-45 minutes."

Now I've worked at bigger companies before and if you got caught stinking up the bathroom they would actually put you on blast. Even though they had individual stalls in the bathroom, as you know it's never hard to tell [at least for a man] when he's doing #2. So you better believe they would notice who's shoes were dangling under the stall and come back and tell on you just like Ezel from the movie Friday. "Smokey back there taking a S**t!!!"

In conclusion, I again apologize for addressing a rather gross subject. But I had to speak on it. And if you're one of these individuals that stink up the bathroom at work and let someone else take the blame for the horrible smell. Well all I have to say is shame on you. And I hope that the next time you get caught in the bathroom with only 1 square of tissue left. Let's see if you fess up then as you're begging for someone to spare a square. LoL.

--C-Recks--

Got M.I.L.F.??

Welcome to another M.I.L.F. Friday. In this weekly segment we will be highlighting women that we feel fit into the category of M.I.L.F. Again, if you're not familiar with the term M.I.L.F. keep in mind it is an acronym for (Mother I'd Like To F____). Feel free to fill in your own F-word there. But my personal criteria for a woman to qualify as a M.I.L.F. would be that she would have to be an attractive lady over the age of 35 with at least 1 child. So here's this week's lineup...

Thandie Newton - Age 37

If you ask my brother his dream girl would be a beautiful black woman with a British accent. Don't ask me why ask him. lol. Well I know for sure that Thandie Newton fits into this category. Born and raised in London, Newton began acting in the early 90's but had no note worthy roles. It wasn't until a role the 1994 movie "Interview with the Vampire" that she came on the radar. She later on went to play roles in movies like "Jefferson in Paris," and "Gridlock'd." And no man can forget her role in "Beloved," the movie adaptation of Toni Morrison's book. In that movie she appears naked and pregnant in one particular scene. Other movie roles included: "Mission Impossible II," "The Truth About Charlie," "Crash," "Pursuit of Happyness," "Norbit," "Run Fatboy Run," and most recently in "W" as Condoleeza Rice. Also she played in about 13 episodes of the TV show E.R. At age 37 Thandie has 2 daughters ages 8 and 4 and you probably would never even be able to tell she's had children.

Rozanda "Chilli" Thomas - Age 37

In 1992 when the group TLC jumped on the music scene with their single "Aint Too Proud to Beg," the group became instant sex symbols. Also wearing the colorful condoms everywhere was a big help with that as well. But even though the group wore baggy clothes which were the trend back then they were still sexy. Well when their 2nd album CrazySexyCool dropped they let go of the baggy clothes and wore more feminine attire. It was at that time where I chose my favorite of the 3 which was Chilli. The group went on to record 2 more albums and sell millions more. Unfortunately tragedy struck when Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez was killed in a car accident in 2002. Chilli is still working on her solo career. She's also acted in movies such as "House Party 3," "Hav Plenty," and "Snow Day." Her acting resume also includes shows such as: "That 70's Show," "The Parkers," and "Strong Medicine." Of course we all know Chilli was romantically involved with Usher until he released his "Confessions" album in 2004. Believe it or not Chilli has an 11 year old son with producer Dallas Austin.

Sharon Leal - Age 37

Ironically today October 17th is Sharon Leal's 37th B-day. Well happy birthday Sharon as a gift allow me to induct you onto our M.I.L.F. List. Sharon began acting on the soap opera "The Guiding Light." She then moved on to act in the TV shows "Legacy," "Boston Public," "Las Vegas," "LAX," and "CSI: Miami." Leal has also appeared in movies such as "Dream Girls," "Why did I get Married," and "This Christmas." She will also be in the last Bernie Mac Movie "Soul Men" that is due out soon. Leal has worked both in front of and behind the camera directing episodes of such shows as; "Sister Sister," "The Game," "One on One," "Half and Half," "Girlfriends," and "The Parenthood." Leal has a 4 year old daughter.

To Be Continued...

--C-Recks--