Thursday, August 28, 2008

No I in TEAM

Anyone that has at least one "so called" friend has probably at one time or another been put in this horrible situation before. I would venture to say that guys go through this more frequently than women. But this is a scenario that is played out every night of the week somewhere in the world. And unfortunately, the victim is usually unsuspecting that it is even about to occur. Well that is until he hears those five dreadful words.

Picture this scene. Two guys are out kicking it at a night club/lounge sitting at the bar. Guy #1 spots an attractive female and taps guy #2 and says "look at her she's bad I'm gonna go holla at her." Guy #2 agrees that she is fine, gives his support for his guy to go do his thing, and wishes him luck. Now guy #2 is simply finishing up his drink, scoping the scene at the club, and enjoying the music. He has no clue that he is about to be put into a situation that he was truly not prepared for. So guy #1 walks back over to the bar smiling. When his friend notices the Kool-Aid smile on his grill he says "you must have came up on her number or something." Guy #1 responds "no even better than that her and her girl wanna kick it after we leave the club." Guy #2 exclaims "For Real? What's her girl looking like?"

Okay let's press pause on this little scenario. I just want you to be prepared to hear the 5 words that I was referring to just above because they're about to come up in a second.

So, Guy #1 hesitates when his boy asks that question. He even has the nerve to pretend like he didn't hear what the question was over the loud music. So guy #2 repeats the question louder and moves closer to his friend's ear "WHAT'S HER GIRL LOOKING LIKE?" Again he hesitates. But finally he musters up the courage and says "well that's the thing man you're going to have to..." (For those of you that have been anticipating those five words here they come). "Take One For The Team."

Now coming to terms with a "Take one for the team" request will almost always follow a number of stages before final acceptance of this mission (if you so choose to accept it).

1.) First of all you're likely to yell or say "Come On Man!!", "WTF," or something similar to this as your initial reaction.
2.) Then a couple curse words will for sure follow. The taboo MF word is acceptable in this instance.
3.) Next, you will try to weasel your way out of it by saying something like "I just took one for the team last month." Or "I'm always taking one for the team when will it be your turn." However, since there are no set rules or parameters when it comes to "taking one for the team" none of this is even relevant.
4.) Here you will attempt to hype yourself up. You may think to yourself "maybe she's not that bad looking." Or "as long as she's at least a 4 I'm cool." In the case of the above example you may take a few shots of your favorite intoxicant to prepare yourself.
5.) Finally, you will just accept that this is your boy and you will go along with his hair brain scheme. However, once you say yes you will always close with "you owe me big time!!!"

So going back to our scenario, guy #2 has said yes to his friend's request and committed to entertaining the sidekick while his guy tries to make his move on the "good looking" female. However, once one is put in this position they never quite know what to expect. They can hope for the best all day, but should be prepared for the worse. So, guy #2 tries to probe his friend to tell him how the her buddy looks. Unfortunately, the only response he gets from his guy is "you gotta see it to believe it." At this point guy #2 hangs his head in disbelief thinking "what have I gotten myself into?" He swiftly orders about 3 shots of Patron from the bartender and as he takes the first shot the ladies walk up. He takes one look at his company for the remainder of the evening and downs the other 2 shots before introducing himself to the ladies. Yes that's right the buddy he's just gotten hooked up with is looking like a worse version of Wanda from In Living Color. And she's "Ready to Rock His World!!" LoL.

Now some of you that have been lucky to never be put in this position may be thinking along the lines of "it's just one night, so what's the big deal?" Or perhaps you may be thinking that it can't always be where the female turns out to be ugly right? Well because you've never been in this position is the only reason you'd ask such a question. But if you have been, then you know as well as I do that just like a D.N.A. Paternity Test it's 99.9% certain that taking one for the team = the ugly friend. Unfortunately, I have plenty of examples to pull from when it comes to "taking one for the team."

The problem with taking one for the team is that it's never something that you have the option of declining. That's the nature of the taking one for the team snakemove. It slithers up on you and the next thing you know you've been bitten with venom and have no choice but to suck the poison out. LoL. Do you still need further convincing? Okay I have another example of how you can just be thrown into taking one for the team without even expecting to.
One evening I stopped at my guy's crib and we just chilling and drinking I believe we were watching the game. So, midway through the game he takes a phone call and steps away and comes back to watch the game. I think nothing of him taking the phone call and the whole time continued to watch the game and drink my beer. Well about 45 minutes later another phone call comes in to my guy's phone. He then answers and says "I'm coming to the door now." So, me being the curious individual that I am I ask "you got your girl coming through or something man?" He responds "yeah and she got her cousin with her. I may need you to take one for the team," and laughs then walks downstairs to get the door.
Now this was/is my man 100 grand, but prior to this incident I had already been thrown into this situation with him before and the outcome was I fell into that 99.9% percent. So, I pretty much already knew what the deal was going to be here as well. Therefore, I quickly proceeded through the 5-stages that I previously mentioned. As I sat there I felt like R.Kelly on trapped in the Closet. I first looked out the window and realized I was on the 3rd floor so I couldn't jump. I tried to rack my brain for a way out of this but I was drawing a blank like a pencil with no lead. The next thing I know in walks my guy and behind him are his girl and lastly his girl's cousin. Now if she was attractive then this example would not even be valid. So let's just say my guy's girl got the better of the genes while her cousin got the hand me down genes (jeans) that were flooding with the holes and stains in them. LoL. Or as my brother mentioned (in the blog 100 Dials and Runnin') the proverbial "ugly stick" may have been used on her Rodney King style.

All I could do is laugh and say to myself "damn here we go again!!" So, I said hi to the ladies and went back to drinking my beer and watching the rest of the game. Honestly I happen to have met his girl already, but I didn't even pay attention to what the cousin's name was. When the game ended my guy was hugged up with his girl on one couch, I'm in a chair and her cousin is on the other couch. I proceed to the kitchen to get me another drink this time something stronger so I could hopefully get through the rest of this evening. But as I'm fixing my drink my guy comes up to me and once again says those words. "Man I need you to take one for the team." I quickly advised him that I was already doing that. He continues on stating "Naw I need you to take her somewhere. I immediately exclaimed "I don't care how much you pay or say I'm not taking her ass home!!" He says "No not to your crib just somewhere take her to get something to eat or something." Once again following the stages I said plenty of curse words, tried to get out of it, plotted a way out (which I found), and finally agreed to help him out. But as you'll see I had at least one last trick up my sleeve like a magician.
So, my guy tells the cousin to just follow my car and that her and I are going to kick it. Now I admit I was a little intoxicated and shouldn't have been driving. However, as I stated I had one last trick up my sleeve. So as we bent the corner and hopped on the highway, I quickly turned into Dale Earnhart Jr., Mario Andretti, Jimmie Johnson or any NASCAR driver you want to name. I never knew a 2001 Dodge Stratus couldn't travel so fast. Unfortunately for her, the 86 Buick Skylark she was driving couldn't quite keep up. LoL. Now I don't advocate driving intoxicated to anyone out there; However, under these circumstances you have to do what you have to do.

Although some may be thinking you should be ashamed of yourself leaving that poor girl like that. Well don't blame me. You can either blame the alcohol or blame my guy. LoL. Matter fact, as I stated in the blog (A Penny For My Thoughts) I'd blame the females (dimes) that only hang around with friends that look worse than them. If you would hang out with better looking friends then no would ever have to be put in a position to take one for the team just to get to you. LoL. But as for me ditching the unnamed cousin, well as they say when you're put in an adrenaline based situation your reaction is either fight or flight. And as manly as this chick looked she may have knocked my ass out Mike Tyson style. LoL. Therefore, I chose the latter of the 2 and dipped out.

The moral to that story is the same moral to the whole blog. It simply proves that at any point and time you can be put in a position to "Take One For the Team." If you want to avoid these situations I suggest that you hang around friends that are married and not single. Other than that there is always potential to be put in a "Take One For the Team" position.

Now I know I reported that 99.9% of the time taking one usually turns out bad. However, the other 0.1% of the time it is possible to have different results. The only person that I personally know that can testify to this is my brother. While in Phoenix, a friend of his casually called him and asked him to accompany him to meet a female he met off the Internet along with her friend. When he told me he was going to do this, I had to warn him that he may be in for it. Not only was this the first time his friend was meeting this girl, but he met her off the Internet. So there was already no telling if the female he was going to meet would even turn out to be the same as the one he had been seeing in the pictures online. Then, for my brother to be tagging along and taking one for the team there's really no telling what he was going to encounter as far as her buddy. However, as luck had he happen to fall into that 0.1% and that the girl he was set up with turned out to be Fine. Actually, she was better looking than the girl his friend was meeting. Who knew it was even possible? Imagine that!! But please please do not expect his outcome to be the same as your next take one for the team mission because they most likely will not be.

P.S. To the mystery unnamed cousin my apologies for leaving your Buick Skylark in the dust on the Dan Ryan Highway. However, if I was looking like the guy below you or none of you reading can lie and say you wouldn't have done the same thing if not worse. So, no hard feelings. LoL.


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