Play Your Card Right

"Don't Be fooled by the Baby Face." - Lil' Cease "Crush On You"

If you've seen me in person or in pictures there is no question that I do not look my age. In fact, I look considerably younger than I actually am. My brother at times refers to me as "The Baby Face Bandit." LoL. But it's true I can admit that I do look very young. I Definitely don't look as if I'm less than 2 years away from 30! {!Gasp!} Therefore, I don't mind using it to my advantage at times. Don't ask don't tell. LoL.

Although I constantly get teased by my family and friends, I take it all in stride. I don't get upset when I'm carded to buy alcohol anymore. I come with I.D. in hand ready for the cashier. Whenever I visit Las Vegas I constantly think about making a name tag with my I.D. to display as I walked through the casinos. Either that or put it on a shirt like the guy in the picture so the left. LoL. But when I do get carded I love the suspect looks I usually get. They look closely at the picture and the I.D. as if it's fake. I have never owned a fake I.D. when I was younger and damn sho have no reason to now. Then there are the rare times that I do not get carded (which is not too often), I don't know why but I feel like I got away with something. Then I think to myself I hope this cashier hasn't slipped up and sold alcohol to a minor before. Because if they're letting me slide without carding me they clearly don't care.

Now I've attempted to figure out what is the factor that causes me to get carded and at times not get carded. I thought back upon some of the times I got carded and my theory was maybe it was based on how I was dressed. On average I dress very urban or hood as some would call it. Therefore, I could definitely be considered to look young not only in the face, but also some may assume my age based on how I'm dressed. However, there are other times when I do dress up with more casual and sometimes dressy attire.

So, below I am going to display some pictures of me dressed normally (hood) and some of me more dressed up. The results of me being carded or not are listed below each picture. But I want you to tell me how old do you honestly think I look in each picture. And would you card me or even be willing to serve me alcohol at all? LoL!

1. I wore this to go to the movies with a friend a few months ago. I was carded for an R rated movie. SMH! Damn shame. We then went to grab a drink and the waitress didn't card me at first. Wow what a surprise considering minutes before I didn't even look 17. But soon after the drinks arrived she came back said her boss said she needed to card us. LoL.

2. I wore this out to a bowling alley with my brother, best friend, and some of her girls. I Got carded for drinks there. From there we went to a hood bar where my cousin was partying at and didn't get carded.

3. I wore this out to kick it with the bff about 4-5 months ago to have some margaritas at this Mexican spot. Funny thing about this is my bff forgot her wallet/I.D. at home and the drive is at least 25 minutes. My mom happened to be over and I told her to borrow my mom's I.D. She was reluctant and didn't think it would work or that she would get caught. LoL. We get there she's scared to death when we ask for drinks and they carded us. I handed mines and she handed hers. But we didn't even look at each other, for I knew she would fold under the pressure if we made eye contact. LoL.

4. I wore this out on a date on Christmas Eve to a restaurant. We ordered drinks and I was of course carded. Then my date playfully asked to see my I.D. as well. She claimed that since the first time we went out she didn't believe my age either. LoL.

5. I wore this out on election night to an event being held by Jesse Jackson Jr. I was actually not carded, but you had to purchase drink tickets. I immediately took my ticket and I tipped the bar tender nicely. She never asked for my ticket. So I kept coming back and doing the same thing. I swear I got about 6 or more drinks off the same 1 ticket. LoL.

6. I wore this out to my best friend's graduation/dinner. They gave us complimentary champagne to toast with. And yes they carded me.

7. I wore this out on my birthday last year [2008], we first hit up a comedy club. Then afterwards we went to a restaurant to have some drinks and food. I ordered my drink and the waitress immediately carded me. She didn't believe it was my birthday nor my age. She said she had a 16 year old son that looked as old as me. LoL.

8. I wore this during my first visit to Las Vegas a couple of years ago for my Birthday [2006]. Here me and my bro were at the champagne Brunch at the Rio Casino (Best Brunch Anywhere). Although this was the first of many drinks that day, if memory serves me best I'm quite sure I got carded here as well.


Well based on those results I don't think the way I dress has anything to do with being carded at all. I just look young. LoL. But I look forward to seeing your answers. Nonetheless, it's cool I don't mind looking young. I'm completely comfortable with it. I figure if I can still probably pass for 20 when I'm 30 that means when I'm 40 I'll look about 30. And I'll take that all day.

--C-Recks--

The First Should Be Last?!?! Part 2

Date: Summer 2005

Location: Chicago (Westside)

"Here you go sip on that."

"What is it?" I replied as I sniffed the strong scent of something that definitely didn't smell appealing.

"It's called a Hennessy Sno-Cone!"

I'll never forget those words. Let me first back track and give some slight background information before I finish that story. I was never really a drinker. For whatever reason... Well I won't lie I know the reason. It wasn't that I couldn't tolerate alcohol, or didn't like the taste of it, or had a bad experience. However, I was in a relationship from age 16 that turned to marriage and the person I was with didn't drink. Therefore, that meant I didn't drink. Oh wait we would get wild and crazy every now and then and drink a wine cooler or 2. Sad I know. My cousin won't let me live the Bartels and James days down. LoL.

Well that summer of 2005, I found myself 25 years young, separated from my wife (soon to be divorced), and feeling like a man that just got out of jail doing a 10 year bid. Free at last, Free at last, Thank God oh mighty!! Well my brother was in town and didn't hesitate to take advantage of my new found freedom and introduce me to some things I had missed out on while "locked down." He started this process the weeks leading up to this particular day in question. You know a beer here, a shot there, and a mixed drink over there. But nothing excessive as he knew that I was still a lightweight.

Well that summer day in the Chi my brother and his boy E came and scooped me up. In the hatch area of the truck they were driving they had a strategically placed cooler full of beer and some other alcohol. Our destination was going to be the West Side of Chicago. A location called the Circle. Which was nothing but a big park that went in a circle and where people went to stunt hang out, etc. As we arrived I noticed my brother's guy E had 2 girls follow us up there. Now this brought a lot of attention to us. Reason being they were both white girls and 1 of them had the Starbucks behind. LoL. Anyways, as we parked, the drinks started flowing. First some pre-mixed Bacardi Long Island Ice Tea. Then some beer, then more Long Island. It was enough to start feeling lovely. It was a hot summer evening. The park was packed; every where you looked there was a hustle man or woman selling something.

That's when someone walked up selling something. I couldn't tell what it was from my angle. But I saw E go over and purchase something for $5. He then walked back over. And That's where the story begins from up top.

"Here you go sip on that."

"What is it?" I replied as I sniffed the strong scent of something that definitely didn't smell appealing.

"It's called a Hennessy Sno-Cone!"

Yes I said it a Hennessy Sno-Cone (See image below).

+

Don't let the name fool you into thinking it was some fruity concontion with a bit of alcohol in it. No. Hennessy Sno-Cone = Straight Henn poured on top of shaved ice. However, it did resemble the sno-cones that we used to drink as kids. Now I had heard a lot about Hennessy mainly through rap lyrics, but I had never tasted it before. Well I go ahead and wrap my lips around the straw and take a first sip.

Stomach meet Hennessy. Hennessy, Stomach.

I must admit that this was not a very happy meeting at all. Inside my stomach it felt more like a KKK member meeting a Black Panther for the first time. It was summer time but it felt like someone had immediately turned the temperature up to HELL as I began to sweat from the forehead profusely. How is it that the drink is making me hot yet it's on ice? Shaved ice no less. Yeah I couldn't quite fathom the reason for that back then.

So not to look like a punk, especially in front of the ladies and big bro and his boy, I kept sipping this drink (peer preasure is a mutha). I remember getting about half way through the drink and then passing it back off to E. I began feeling a little funny and just a bit dizzy. So I remember having a seat in the truck and passing out at some point. I can't recall how much time passed but the next thing you know, someone made a decision to go to Dave and Busters. Well I wish I would've had a vote in this decision because that was the longest and worst car ride I'd ever had in my life. To me it felt like a 30 minute roller coaster ride (loops and all) that just wouldn't end. My head was spinning out of control like some sort of twister and I'm quite sure I was moaning and groaning the whole ride. My brother later explained he thought I was dying. LoL.

So we finally stop and arrive at the place. I contemplated staying in the car and trying to recover from this horrible feeling. But go figure I remembered about the girls and asked their whereabouts. E says "they followed us, we bout to go in now." So I get out of the car. My brother asks if I'm straight. I figured if I could walk, then I was straight. We walked in the place and I remember them going to shoot basketball. I followed and stood there for a second watching them. Well apparently I was now doing way too much moving around because there was a horrible feeling in my stomach.

I look around and spot the men's room. I rush to it as quickly as I can. I found the closest stall and next thing you know I'm puking my guts out. I remember my brother or E coming in and asking was I alright. I couldn't tell who it was as I had my head damn near inside the bowl of the toilet. After that terrible ordeal of praying to the porcelain God, as I had heard it called so many times before making my very own trip to the alter, I walked out feeling 10xs better. I sat somewhere and ended up falling asleep. Not sure how much time passed but my brother came and found me and woke me up to leave. I said bye to the ladies and climbed back in the truck and fell back asleep on the way home.

As horrible as it felt that first time getting drunk one would think that I would have left alcohol alone. However, that was definitely not the case. I still drink to this day. Although my tolerance is much higher than it was that dreadful summer day, it hasn't stopped me from making more than a few collect calls to Earl. In fact, this past weekend as the Jamie Foxx song goes "I had one too many drinks." And believe it or not, once again, Hennessy was one of the drinks that caused my downfall.

--C-Recks--

The New 20

I had to take the time out of our regularly scheduled programming today to make a quick dedication. This one goes out to a man that I consider a great man, a great friend, and someone I am privileged to have in my life. On Monday September 1st my brother will be turning 30 years old. Having grown up with him it's hard to imagine that the day is coming. I mean I can sit back and remember him turning ages like 10 and 20, but 30 always seemed like such a long way away. Well that is until now. You have officially made it to age 30. So, I want to take the time out to say Happy 30th Birthday to my one and only brother.

When I started to think of three decades worth of living I didn't just reflect on the good old days and good times. However, I started to reflect on just some of the things we did as kids and as adults that could have prevented us/you from reaching this 30th Milestone. That's right I'm referring to the dumb shit that could have killed us/you. So, I've taken a bit of time to outline a few of those things. They're in no particular order.

I know Lupe Fiasco's first single was Kick Push which we all realize now is talking about skateboarding. However, my brother and I regard ourselves as the original black skateboarders. When we were living in California in the early 90's skateboarding was the thing to do. So of course we had to have skateboards as well. When our parents finally got us some we were all over the place on those things including places we shouldn't have been. Not to mention doing plenty of things we shouldn't have been doing. But I guess as they say boys will be boys, and boy oh boy did we prove that statement true. Most of the friends we hung out with and skateboarded with were white. And let's just say that back then we were too young to really realize that white people are the let's just say the "adventurous" type. So, that along with some peer pressure we were introduced to some things we normally wouldn't have done. Well somehow we were talked into riding a skateboard down a hill such as the one you see in the image on your left. Not standing up but laying down on the board as if one is really less dangerous than the other. But as if it's not bad enough to simply ride down the hill as you can see at the bottom of the hill there is a traffic light. So we would ride down the hill through the intersection using only the soles of our shoes as brakes. I remember my brother got in trouble for tearing up a pair of dress shoes this way. LoL. Needless to say we should have/could have died doing this.

As a kid peer pressure is a Mutha. Here is another example of peer pressure. This had to be like 1988 or 1989. But as me, my brother, and a friend of ours were walking home from the local arcade we were walking over a bridge similar to the one in the picture to the left. Below the bridge was like a basin so when it rained it filled with water. But on this particular day it was empty and exposed it's solid concrete. Well our friend decided to dare my brother to walk on the outside of the overpass. It may have even been a bet I don't exactly recall. All I know is that my brother makes the decision to take this dare or bet. So, as he proceeds to climb over the railing and walk on the outside of the railing across the bridge. As he's holding on tight to the railing and moving across the bridge I was on the other side quickly becoming hysterical. This walk may have taken a minute tops but to me it seemed like an eternity. I attempted to talk him into stopping and come back on the other side. However, I was doing mostly crying and yelling for him to do this. In hindsight that may not have been the best thing to do while he was concentrating on walking and not losing his balance. Yes I know I would make a great hostage negotiator. LoL. Yes so what I bitched up. LoL. But I was like 8 and thought my brother was going to fall to his death at any moment. So what would you expect? Well of course he made it across but it gave me a mild heart attack in the process. Once again another stupid move. LoL.

My brother and I didn't learn how to swim until probably after age 10. One particular day we were hanging with friends in their apartment complex that had a swimming pool. Well some of our friends had been swimming. They all knew we didn't know how to swim. However, one of them decided it would be funny to push my brother in the swimming pool. Now this swimming pool was designed as most are where it starts shallow and as you go further the water level gets deeper. Well he was pushed into the shallow end, which is maybe 4 Feet of water at most. Although he wasn't that tall at that time he was definitely taller than 4 Feet. Although as my grandfather always says, you can drown even in as little as a thimble of water (this is probably the one fact of his I still haven't fully accepted. LoL). But as he was pushed in feet first, his head never went under the water. But I guess just the thought of being in water and not knowing how to swim is enough to panic anyone. So once he began to panic he was flapping his arms all over the place while trying to reach out for the edge of the pool. Although I should have been scared and hysterical as in the story above, I was not. I was quite the opposite. I was actually laughing. To see him with his head above water essentially standing up within a fingers reach of the edge screaming I'm drowning was funny to me. Because I was sitting there thinking in my head like "your ass is nowhere near drowning kill the drama." LoL. But one of our friends went ahead and jumped in and saved him by guided him back to the edge. Although, it wasn't really a near death experience I'm sure my brother felt like it was. Also, not too long after this incident we decided to learn to swim.

As I stated, growing up we had many white friends. Well I remember we were maybe 12 and 14 respectively. Me, my brother, and our friend Mary (she's white) were walking to another friend's house. It was night time and sort of late maybe 9pm. Well we were walking down some residential streets and it was pretty dark on those streets. All of a sudden we hear someone yelling out. "Get away from her!!" But we thought nothing of it and continued walking. Then we hear it again "I told you to get the hell away from her!!" Then we finally look back and we notice this white man a ways behind us yelling. We then realized that he was yelling at us. And by her he meant our friend Mary. We keep walking but the man doesn't stop. He continues to yell then the racial slurs began to come. "Get away from her niggers." The man appeared to be intoxicated, and he began to increase his speed almost as he was running towards us. Well as I mentioned in my last blog about fight or flight one of the 2 will take over when your adrenaline is pumping. Well when you're 12 and a drunk white man is running at you spewing racial slurs guess what? You're going to run!! Which is exactly what we did. We all took off running. The only thing was that our friend Mary didn't quite have the speed we had. My brother and I ran so fast that we ended up leaving her behind. She was yelling "wait up for me!!" However, we figured he's after us and he was trying to save you so we're not going to stop to wait for you and get killed by some drunk KKK member. Well we lost him. And we proceeded to our friend's house. We had no clue what happen to Mary though. Back in those days we didn't have cell phones to call or text each other. All we had were pagers and had to locate a phone to even be able to page someone. Eventually we ran into her and all walked to the other friends house safely. We're still friends with Mary and she did forgive us for leaving her like that. LoL.

As they say what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. Well my brother recently introduced me to Las Vegas on my 26th Birthday in 2006. Ever since that first trip I try to get back to Vegas whenever I possibly can. However, there should be a disclaimer on the Las Vegas brochure and I don't mean that what happens in Vegas slogan. I mean it should tell you something like "if you gamble the alcohol is on us and you will get F**ked up." LoL. That first trip to Vegas is memorable for a few reasons. This is the short version of the story. One, we were so intoxicated that while playing Keno I filled out a ticket and gave it to my brother to play. Well he played it but didn't play the right game. So next thing we know as the numbers start coming in all damn 7 of my numbers hit. Please keep in mind that I don't recall any of this but this is how the story was told back to me, I was that intoxicated. So as my brother goes to redeem what should have been my $7,000 winning ticket they tell him he played the wrong game. He attempted to argue but the most they would give him was the $1 back it cost to play.

Well next thing I know (this is the part where my memory comes back) I'm walking through the casino parking structure and cars are honking at me to move out of the way. I tried to call my brother but my phone was dead. So I tried to find the car. Well I did but my brother had the keys. Well I was smart enough to leave a note for him on the car. I have no clue what it said but I'm sure it made no sense at all. But I was lost. My brother later told my mom that this was the first time in 26 years of being a big brother that he's lost me. LoL. Well next I decided to walk back in the casino and look around for my brother more. But as I'm walking in guess who I bump into? Yep my brother. So we were both like "where have you been?" and then we started laughing and he proceeded to tell me the story about the money. I was livid to say the least. But the fact I had no recollection of any of it kept me from being upset with him. So we hopped in the car and I chose to drive for whatever reason. As I stated in previous blogs one should never drive intoxicated and here is a good example of why.

So, I get behind the wheel and my brother tells me which way to go and we hit the highway. Our destination was Primm, Nevada. According to Google Maps this is a 43.8 mile trip on Highway 15 that should take approximately 40 minutes to drive in decent traffic. Well those estimations are made with a sober person in mind. When I hit the highway I decided to turn into Lead Foot Larry and put the pedal to the metal. So we're flying down Highway 15 in a rental car made by Mazda doing 100 plus miles an hour just talking like it's nothing. I guess what they say about God looking out for babies and fools is correct. Because he's the only reason why we didn't either wrecked out or get pulled over and jailed. But we made it to Prim in what seemed to be 15-20 minutes max. The funny thing is that once we got to Primm we stopped at another casino and guess what we did? Yep we sat down gambled some more and no sooner than we sat down there came the cocktail waitresses with the short skirts on serving us more alcohol. It's free what was I supposed to do refuse it? LoL

Well I'm sure we've survived death even more times than the 5 that I recalled here. And I'm sure that God willing we'll survive plenty more to come. The first 30 years have been a blast. I appreciate the opportunity to have been able to share them with you. And I look forward to another 30 plus some. All I can say is embrace 30 I hear it's not as bad as they say it is. But let me know how it's going as you know I will be joining you within the next 2 years. But we all know your life is just beginning again so make sure you hit the ground running come September 1st. Plus as Jay-Z said 30's the new 20. LoL

Love you Man.

--C-Recks--

No I in TEAM

Anyone that has at least one "so called" friend has probably at one time or another been put in this horrible situation before. I would venture to say that guys go through this more frequently than women. But this is a scenario that is played out every night of the week somewhere in the world. And unfortunately, the victim is usually unsuspecting that it is even about to occur. Well that is until he hears those five dreadful words.

Picture this scene. Two guys are out kicking it at a night club/lounge sitting at the bar. Guy #1 spots an attractive female and taps guy #2 and says "look at her she's bad I'm gonna go holla at her." Guy #2 agrees that she is fine, gives his support for his guy to go do his thing, and wishes him luck. Now guy #2 is simply finishing up his drink, scoping the scene at the club, and enjoying the music. He has no clue that he is about to be put into a situation that he was truly not prepared for. So guy #1 walks back over to the bar smiling. When his friend notices the Kool-Aid smile on his grill he says "you must have came up on her number or something." Guy #1 responds "no even better than that her and her girl wanna kick it after we leave the club." Guy #2 exclaims "For Real? What's her girl looking like?"

Okay let's press pause on this little scenario. I just want you to be prepared to hear the 5 words that I was referring to just above because they're about to come up in a second.

So, Guy #1 hesitates when his boy asks that question. He even has the nerve to pretend like he didn't hear what the question was over the loud music. So guy #2 repeats the question louder and moves closer to his friend's ear "WHAT'S HER GIRL LOOKING LIKE?" Again he hesitates. But finally he musters up the courage and says "well that's the thing man you're going to have to..." (For those of you that have been anticipating those five words here they come). "Take One For The Team."

Now coming to terms with a "Take one for the team" request will almost always follow a number of stages before final acceptance of this mission (if you so choose to accept it).

1.) First of all you're likely to yell or say "Come On Man!!", "WTF," or something similar to this as your initial reaction.

2.) Then a couple curse words will for sure follow. The taboo MF word is acceptable in this instance.

3.) Next, you will try to weasel your way out of it by saying something like "I just took one for the team last month." Or "I'm always taking one for the team when will it be your turn." However, since there are no set rules or parameters when it comes to "taking one for the team" none of this is even relevant.

4.) Here you will attempt to hype yourself up. You may think to yourself "maybe she's not that bad looking." Or "as long as she's at least a 4 I'm cool." In the case of the above example you may take a few shots of your favorite intoxicant to prepare yourself.

5.) Finally, you will just accept that this is your boy and you will go along with his hair brain scheme. However, once you say yes you will always close with "you owe me big time!!!"

So going back to our scenario, guy #2 has said yes to his friend's request and committed to entertaining the sidekick while his guy tries to make his move on the "good looking" female. However, once one is put in this position they never quite know what to expect. They can hope for the best all day, but should be prepared for the worse. So, guy #2 tries to probe his friend to tell him how the her buddy looks. Unfortunately, the only response he gets from his guy is "you gotta see it to believe it." At this point guy #2 hangs his head in disbelief thinking "what have I gotten myself into?" He swiftly orders about 3 shots of Patron from the bartender and as he takes the first shot the ladies walk up. He takes one look at his company for the remainder of the evening and downs the other 2 shots before introducing himself to the ladies. Yes that's right the buddy he's just gotten hooked up with is looking like a worse version of Wanda from In Living Color. And she's "Ready to Rock His World!!" LoL.

Now some of you that have been lucky to never be put in this position may be thinking along the lines of "it's just one night, so what's the big deal?" Or perhaps you may be thinking that it can't always be where the female turns out to be ugly right? Well because you've never been in this position is the only reason you'd ask such a question. But if you have been, then you know as well as I do that just like a D.N.A. Paternity Test it's 99.9% certain that taking one for the team = the ugly friend. Unfortunately, I have plenty of examples to pull from when it comes to "taking one for the team."

The problem with taking one for the team is that it's never something that you have the option of declining. That's the nature of the taking one for the team snakemove. It slithers up on you and the next thing you know you've been bitten with venom and have no choice but to suck the poison out. LoL. Do you still need further convincing? Okay I have another example of how you can just be thrown into taking one for the team without even expecting to.

One evening I stopped at my guy's crib and we just chilling and drinking I believe we were watching the game. So, midway through the game he takes a phone call and steps away and comes back to watch the game. I think nothing of him taking the phone call and the whole time continued to watch the game and drink my beer. Well about 45 minutes later another phone call comes in to my guy's phone. He then answers and says "I'm coming to the door now." So, me being the curious individual that I am I ask "you got your girl coming through or something man?" He responds "yeah and she got her cousin with her. I may need you to take one for the team," and laughs then walks downstairs to get the door.

Now this was/is my man 100 grand, but prior to this incident I had already been thrown into this situation with him before and the outcome was I fell into that 99.9% percent. So, I pretty much already knew what the deal was going to be here as well. Therefore, I quickly proceeded through the 5-stages that I previously mentioned. As I sat there I felt like R.Kelly on trapped in the Closet. I first looked out the window and realized I was on the 3rd floor so I couldn't jump. I tried to rack my brain for a way out of this but I was drawing a blank like a pencil with no lead. The next thing I know in walks my guy and behind him are his girl and lastly his girl's cousin. Now if she was attractive then this example would not even be valid. So let's just say my guy's girl got the better of the genes while her cousin got the hand me down genes (jeans) that were flooding with the holes and stains in them. LoL. Or as my brother mentioned (in the blog 100 Dials and Runnin') the proverbial "ugly stick" may have been used on her Rodney King style.

All I could do is laugh and say to myself "damn here we go again!!" So, I said hi to the ladies and went back to drinking my beer and watching the rest of the game. Honestly I happen to have met his girl already, but I didn't even pay attention to what the cousin's name was. When the game ended my guy was hugged up with his girl on one couch, I'm in a chair and her cousin is on the other couch. I proceed to the kitchen to get me another drink this time something stronger so I could hopefully get through the rest of this evening. But as I'm fixing my drink my guy comes up to me and once again says those words. "Man I need you to take one for the team." I quickly advised him that I was already doing that. He continues on stating "Naw I need you to take her somewhere. I immediately exclaimed "I don't care how much you pay or say I'm not taking her ass home!!" He says "No not to your crib just somewhere take her to get something to eat or something." Once again following the stages I said plenty of curse words, tried to get out of it, plotted a way out (which I found), and finally agreed to help him out. But as you'll see I had at least one last trick up my sleeve like a magician.

So, my guy tells the cousin to just follow my car and that her and I are going to kick it. Now I admit I was a little intoxicated and shouldn't have been driving. However, as I stated I had one last trick up my sleeve. So as we bent the corner and hopped on the highway, I quickly turned into Dale Earnhart Jr., Mario Andretti, Jimmie Johnson or any NASCAR driver you want to name. I never knew a 2001 Dodge Stratus couldn't travel so fast. Unfortunately for her, the 86 Buick Skylark she was driving couldn't quite keep up. LoL. Now I don't advocate driving intoxicated to anyone out there; However, under these circumstances you have to do what you have to do.

Although some may be thinking you should be ashamed of yourself leaving that poor girl like that. Well don't blame me. You can either blame the alcohol or blame my guy. LoL. Matter fact, as I stated in the blog (A Penny For My Thoughts) I'd blame the females (dimes) that only hang around with friends that look worse than them. If you would hang out with better looking friends then no would ever have to be put in a position to take one for the team just to get to you. LoL. But as for me ditching the unnamed cousin, well as they say when you're put in an adrenaline based situation your reaction is either fight or flight. And as manly as this chick looked she may have knocked my ass out Mike Tyson style. LoL. Therefore, I chose the latter of the 2 and dipped out.

The moral to that story is the same moral to the whole blog. It simply proves that at any point and time you can be put in a position to "Take One For the Team." If you want to avoid these situations I suggest that you hang around friends that are married and not single. Other than that there is always potential to be put in a "Take One For the Team" position.

Now I know I reported that 99.9% of the time taking one usually turns out bad. However, the other 0.1% of the time it is possible to have different results. The only person that I personally know that can testify to this is my brother. While in Phoenix, a friend of his casually called him and asked him to accompany him to meet a female he met off the Internet along with her friend. When he told me he was going to do this, I had to warn him that he may be in for it. Not only was this the first time his friend was meeting this girl, but he met her off the Internet. So there was already no telling if the female he was going to meet would even turn out to be the same as the one he had been seeing in the pictures online. Then, for my brother to be tagging along and taking one for the team there's really no telling what he was going to encounter as far as her buddy. However, as luck had he happen to fall into that 0.1% and that the girl he was set up with turned out to be Fine. Actually, she was better looking than the girl his friend was meeting. Who knew it was even possible? Imagine that!! But please please do not expect his outcome to be the same as your next take one for the team mission because they most likely will not be.

P.S. To the mystery unnamed cousin my apologies for leaving your Buick Skylark in the dust on the Dan Ryan Highway. However, if I was looking like the guy below you or none of you reading can lie and say you wouldn't have done the same thing if not worse. So, no hard feelings. LoL.

--C-Recks--

I Beg Your Pardon

We have all seen them at some point. Some people fear them, while others detest them and wish they'd go away. Some people even laugh at them, but many more feel sorry for them. It doesn't matter if it's day time or night. They walk amongst us every day. Nor does it matter if it's downtown, in the city, in the ghettos, or the suburbs. They are every where. Although they are not extraordinarily abundant in numbers, you can't seem to avoid them. Whether you're walking down the street, coming out of the store, or even driving in your car. The "signs" of their presence is apparent. Regardless of how you feel about them they're not going anywhere.


By now you're probably all curious as to who or what I am talking about. Well if you haven't yet figured it out this blog is dedicated to the Homeless. Also known as bums, panhandlers, and hobos.

The homeless are the poorest of the poor. So poor that in some instances, they have no choice but to live outdoors even in cold climates. So poor that they're only income and or meals usually come from begging. It is very sad when a person becomes homeless and has no roof over their head or food to eat. I am actually one of the individuals that at times feels sorry for these individuals especially when they are children or disabled. We can debate all day about the homeless and the role the government should play in helping to assist them. But that's not what I'm focusing on. In this blog I want to discuss the panhandling tactics of some homeless individuals.


Although I do empathize with the homeless, I guess the skeptic in me won't always allow me to give to the homeless panhandlers. I guess bottom line I don't always trust my hard earned change is going to food or shelter or whatever they've told me they need the money for. In fact, I have the perfect example. One cold winter night I was in the hood and I had a taste for White Castle's chicken rings. So, I stopped at the drive through. As I'm placing my order a homeless man comes up to the car and said "If you have any change after you pay can you help me out with getting something to eat?" Now again, anyone that knows me knows I'm a big skeptic (Ask my cousin about Cris Angel. LoL). However, since he mentioned food and it was cold out I felt I should help him out. So, I went ahead and ordered my chicken rings, an order of fries, and a White Castle's Burger aka a slider. So, I proceed to window 2 and pay and receive my food. As I get ready to pull off the man is waiting right there after the window 2. As I drive past I reach in my bag, roll down my window, and hand the man the burger.


Now I can't calculate how much change I would have had without buying that burger but it's safe to say that a $0.59 cent white castle burger was about equivalent, and possibly a little more. Well as I hand this man the burger I have the slight feeling that I've done something good. Not really to better the world but at least in this man's life for right now. But that feeling quickly turned to anger when I noticed the look on the man's face as I handed him the burger. The look on his face was almost in disgust that I gave him food as opposed to money. He just looked at me and didn't even say thank you. I was comptemplating going snatching my burger back. But I was so pissed that I said "yeah you're welcome" and just rolled up my window and quickly sped off.


I don't know about any of you, but the 2 things I hate wasting the most are time and money. I was upset that I wasted my money on this homeless man. Some may be thinking it's only $0.59 cents what's the big deal? Well the change I spent won't make or break me but it's really a matter of principal. That change could have gone into my son's piggy bank like the rest of my change usually does. But no I wasted it on a burger for someone that didn't even appreciate my effort. I hate to sound cliche but "beggars can't be choosers!!" No pun intended of course.


But that's just one experience, but I can't lie it definitely didn't make it any easier for another homeless person to get my spare change out of me. Likewise, I saw a segment on an episode of Manswers on Spike TV that had to do with professional begging. In that segment I saw some statistics that made me damn near blow a gasket. It stated that some professional beggars can earn up to $49 an hour, $300 a day, and even $78,000 a year. I was floored to think that as hard as I work it would take me almost twice as long to earn what some of the top professional beggars do. After hearing this story I was done with helping panhandlers. That 50 cents can stay in my own pocket as opposed to helping someone live better than me for free. Watch the video below.

However, there are some homeless individuals that I would consider giving to. For instance, here in Chicago a lot of the homeless will sell a newspaper called The Defender. This is a homeless publication and I believe the proceeds go to help the homeless. Now I don't have a problem giving these guys a buck from time to time. At least they're working for their money, and at least I get a newspaper for my dollar. Also, the homeless that will clean your window I sometimes don't mind giving money. Again they're working for their money. If my window is dirty and they're willing to clean it for some change then it's a fair enough deal. But I will admit that I do hate when they just come up to your car without asking and clean the windshield then expect some money. No one gave you permission to clean my window man. Maybe I wanted that bird crap stain to stay there for a while.

The bottom line is that if they're trying to get money out of me they have to do much more than just hold out a cup or tell me a sob story. In addition, just holding up a sign saying something like "Homeless please help. God Bless" isn't good enough for me either. Perhaps some of you would/will give based on these things and God Bless you for that. However, I'm talking about me here. You want this change you better come with it. LoL. I mean if you're at the strip club and a girl just stands there in front of you and doesn't even take off her clothes or dance is that enough to make you want to make it rain? Well maybe some of ya'll but not me LoL. I worked hard for this money so you're going to have to convince me that it's worth my dollar is all I'm saying. It's no different than any other transaction. Again, no pun intended but maybe they need to try to think "out of the box." LoL. But, I took the time to find a bunch of panhandling signs that are all very unique. I've commented below on them and explained how much I would give and why.

This is a very creative sign. Very colorful and attention getting. The caption is actually funny. I love how they wrote out vibrator as if the letters themselves are vibrating. I'm not too sure if I empathize with the guy though. And I'm not down with contributing to someone else's inner freak especially if I don't benefit. LoL. Maybe he should have included a picture of his wife. If she's ugly then I can understand him wanting to get her a new vibrator asap. LoL. But just based on the comedy factor I'd give him 50 cents. $1-$2 if he could produce a picture of an ugly wife. LoL.

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a gambling man. So I wouldn't be able to resist taking this guy up on his bet. I'd bet about $1. He doesn't look that fast and his knee looks to be injured so I would even be willing to give him 2:1 odds on this bet. But I believe in paying up on bets so if I lose I would definitely pay up and even let him keep the quarter. I'm sure it's probably a scam though. I would get ready to throw the quarter and his ass would be dodging quarters like The Matrix. LoL. But if I did win I couldn't see taking his money. But I would let him keep the winning quarter for being a good sport.

Man this guy has my attention already. I feel him 100%. I have been there before. When my divorce finalized I had to give up the house I had bought, fixed up and lived in for almost 5 years to my ex-wife. I was essentially homeless. Thank God my grandmother let me crash on her couch for a few weeks until I found me a new place to live. But when I think back I also thank God I had a job because if I had neither I would have been homeless for real. So to this guy I'd give him at least $5 just because I feel his pain. As the song says sometimes it's "cheaper to keep her." LoL.

This is another comical sign. We all know the story behind New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and his prostitution bust. I'm assuming this guy is in New York. So if I was in New York and saw this guy and his sign I'd give him at least $0.60 just for the laugh. I would give more but I'm not trying to contribute to his prostitution addiction especially not at that astronomical price. If I had a condom in my wallet I would throw that in the plate as well. He will need it if he ever reaches his goal.

First off is it just me or does this guy bare an eerie resemblance to the late great Issac Hayes? Well as for his sign. Depending on how my day has been going I may have to take him up on his offer and tell him off for $2. So for $2 I'd go ahead and get my vent on. First off are you hot or cold? I mean you have a leather coat with the fur on the collar but yet you have no shirt on under it and the coat is unzipped. So make up your damn mind!! Put on a shirt and cover up that taco meat on your chest. Next, get a job stop begging and work for your money!! Lastly, wake yo ass up!! LoL. I mean what have you done to make you so damn tired? It's not like you just worked a 9-5 so you have no reason to be sleep in the middle of the day. And put on some socks man!! Okay I feel better now. That was actually worth my $2. Thanks.

Well if you've ever read any of my blogs and their titles then you know that I like to use the play on words. So this sign is right up my alley. First off the guy is a big guy so he definitely looks as if he can get his eat on. So, just off the funny factor of the sign I would be willing to give him about a buck for a burger or something. He definitely doesn't look to have missed too many meals so his sign must be working. Also, is it me or is he dressed like he works at a Target? I don't know he could be suspect. Maybe he's just on his lunch break and forgot his lunch or something. I would have to pull the sign back if I see a name tag he gets nothing from me. I'm not giving anything to someone that is gainfully employed.

Okay I'm going to walk lightly on this one because I know the secret service may be reading. All I must say is that this man has some balls. So I admire his boldness. However, he was smart enough to make sure his face was blurred out of this pic. But to even whisper those words like the Ying Yang Twins can get your ass locked up if the wrong person hears you. I'm not even going to type them. The picture is clearly not of a black man so to the C.I.A. it's not me. I don't know the date of this picture but if it was recent he wouldn't get anything from me Bush will be out soon anyway. But just for saying what I'm sure a lot of Americans want to say. I'm not saying me personally for Big Brother that's watching. But to this guy I'd give him about $3 buck for his boldness alone.

Now this is another bold move. However, if I was driving along this road I'd have to thank this guy. Apparently the Sheriff's Department are doing some sort of traffic sting and this guy is giving motorist a fair warning to be prepared. So now you can slow down, buckle up, and toss any illegal drugs or guns in the stash spot. If you were ticketed for speeding or no seat belt you're looking at a ticket of at least $25 or more. And if you're riding dirty well you already know that's going to cost you your freedom. Therefore, just on potentially saving me money I'd give this guy $5. And his friend at least a dollar I'm feeling the shirt (see blog entitled 9-1-1 Is a Joke). LoL .

I don't know if this was a shameless plug or what. But I tried to put in this website address and got nothing. So maybe he was just trying to be creative. However, I'm not trying to be funny but he should have put http://www.spareteeth.com/. I see him needing that more than the change. Maybe the tooth fairy will fly past and drop something off in ya boys' cup. LoL. But he seems to be in good spirits about his situation so I would help him out with a dollar.

Okay finally!! This is what I been waiting for. Finally a panhandler that's keeping it real. No sob story here about being down on his luck or nothing to eat. He's putting it out there that he's trying to get money for not just beer, but also pot, and a hooker. Well if I came out of the liquor store from buying a case of beer and saw this sign I'd help him out. One ice cold beer from my case. About $0.75 value. Just a token of my appreciation for this man not wasting my time with a bullshit story in order to get my spare change. Enjoy the ice cold refreshing beer my friend. You'll have to get someone else to help you out with the hookers and weed.

Okay this guy is really going to the extremes to get his panhandle on. I have 2 problems with this guy's tactics. First, this guy is out of order for portraying himself as Jesus.
The robe and collection plate are way too much. Secondly, this sign is way too extreme. It's bad enough I have to worry about eternal damnation when I'm in church and pass the collection plate without contributing. But now I got this guy out on the street trying to condemn me to hell fire if I don't give to him. This guy wouldn't get a dime from me. If you read my blog (E-Mail and Text Forwards) I don't respond to scare tactics especially dealing with Hell. LoL. Also, being a black man white Jesus doesn't scare me much anyways. So, if his collection plate passed my way I'd most likely drop some chicken bones in it like Arsenio Hall on Coming To America. LoL.





So you mean to tell me someone kidnapped your wife and demanded a large ransom or they would harm your wife? Then you scraped and collected all this money to give for the ransom and when you counted it you were exactly $0.98 cents short? Man get the hell outta here. LoL. Even if that was the case if you're going to hold a sign that says your wife was kidnapped then you may as well have gone to the police. Then they would be handling the kidnapping and negotiations so you wouldn't have to be out begging for $0.98 cents. Although I give him props for attempting to be creative, he didn't think his story out well enough for him to get any money out of me. If his wife was really kidnapped I may let him use my phone to call 9-1-1 that's about it.






Hey doesn't this guy look familiar? And wait doesn't the sign look familiar too? I think it's our friend with the kidnapped wife. It's obviously a different day as he's changed clothes. Hey look even his sign has changed. He now needs $0.99 as opposed to the $0.98 cents he needed on the sign before. So did he somehow lose a penny during his attempt to scrape up the ransom money? Oh I get it, the kidnappers called and decided that the ransom wasn't high enough and decided to up it by a whole penny right? Man get this sign out of my face! I didn't fall for it the first time and now that I see you again with the same sign you're definitely not getting even that penny from me.





This sign is a nice attempt of this guy to be clever. However, the one thing he's not thinking about is that on every alcoholic beverage there is a disclaimer from the Government. "(1)According to The Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems." So in other words if you drink you will get drunk and your liver will look like a raisin in the sun if you drink too much. So the Government has done all the research necessary on alcohol and they don't need your help. Nice try though. You get an E for effort, but no money from me.

Now this sign is funny for a couple of reasons. First, I'm picturing big man here in a tight karate
outfit trying to learn kung-fu. Next, I'm trying to imagine a bunch of ninjas coming to the hood to kill this guys' family. I've been to enough hoods to know that even trained ninjas won't go there. So, if a group of individuals wearing all black killed his family I guarantee they weren't ninjas. Now if you subtract the nj from ninjas and add gg in it's place then the sign would be much more believable to me. I know I'm joking about someone's family being killed but I'm following his lead he's the one with smiley faces on the sign. I got a good laugh on this one $0.60 cents from me.

Another keeping it real sign. "Why lie I need a beer." Truer words could not have been spoken. I have to feel him on this one. Who doesn't need a beer from time to time? Again, if I had a beer on me I would definitely be willing to share with this man. Plus it looks hot out so I'm sure the cold beer would cool him off.

Again this guy is keeping it real. However, beer is one thing. I'm not going to support someone's drug habit. I know you're probably like you'll help destroy someone's liver but not their brain from drugs. Well yes it's a double standard but I have that right to choose where my money goes. I'm not forcing the beer down the man's throat. LoL. But back to this sign. I like the fact he is admitting he's not even homeless. If I were homeless and saw his sign I'd come over there and kick his ass. He's taking away from me being able to eat when he just wants to get high.

So the moral to this story a panhandler must be clever and creative to maximize their opportunity for getting money, especially from me. But hell, if a top notch professional beggar can make $78,000 a year then I'm definitely in the wrong profession. I am actually in the process of looking for a new job. So, Don't be surprised if you're walking downtown one day and you see me holding a "Will Rap For Food" sign. I'll have a portable CD player playing my debut CD "Ripped from the Headlines" and have copies of the album for sale (album coming soon, shameless plug I know). But at least I'll be selling you something and not just begging. But for real if you see your boy out there show me a little bit of support. Even if you don't buy a cd I'll spit a hot 16 for you for your spare change. LoL.

--C-Recks--

(Crank Dat Homeless Man)