Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Voicemail Tales

In my 9-5 job I am required to both answer and make many phone calls throughout the course of a day's work. Well I have a gripe I need to share. (I know you're thinking what else is new. Lol). Over the course of years working where I do presently and other companies doing similar work, I've probably left more than 100,000 voicemail and answering machine messages. In doing so, I've probably heard every type of voicemail greeting that there is to hear. To the point where I know when I know when I can just press pound(#), or 1 to get directly to the voicemail.

So here's my list of personal favorite voicemail greetings. And when I say favorite I mean I can't stand them and get tired of hearing them over and over again. So don't get confused. LoL. If any of you have these types of voicemail greetings this is not directed at you. I could care less about what type of voicemail greeting you have because, well I don't have to call you. LoL.

April Fools!
Phone Rings 4xs:
Me: Hi can I speak to Mr./Mrs. So & So


Me: (Frustrated at having to repeat myself) Yes I need to speak to Mr/Mrs. So & So Please!

Who's Calling?
Me: This is C-Recks from (My company name)

3 sec Pause...

Me: Hello?

Ha! Ha! I got you leave a message after the beep.

Now I love a good joke like anyone else; however, getting 2-3 of these type of voicemail greetings a day is frustrating and annoying as hell. Usually these leave me wanting to say some obscene things on the voice mail that could get me fired. LoL. Now some of you may be thinking, how do you keep falling for those? Well to be honest I don't too much pay attention to what's going on until I either hear someone say hello or a beep. But most of these are so clever you can't tell that it's a prank until they've gotten you. To those that do this you have absolutely too much time on your hands.

American Idol Auditions
I will admit that the best part of the show American Idol is probably the thousands of auditions from the would be singers that have no talent at all. So yes I like to sit and laugh at those individuals. Someone should have told them they can't sing before they came on TV to make a fool out of themselves. But that's besides the point. Nonetheless, I hate it when non-singing and or non-rapping people try to flex their absent skills on their voice mails. I don't want to hear you doing your best rendition of Keyshia Cole's "Love." Nor do I want to hear a freestyle rap about how you can't answer the phone, that sounds like the Blue Blocker man. As a rapper with some talent this offends me. LoL. If you have talent then you should be recording in the studio not on your voicemail. Although they sometimes make me laugh, I don't have time to listen to that madness.

Stick to the Script
Phone Rings 4xs

Hi I'm Katie, I'm Derek, I'm Catherine and I'm Paul, and (in unison) you've reaches the Stevensons we're not home right now so leave a message at the tone and we'll get back to you. Beep!

I don't want to call them wanna be actors, but these clever individuals choose to plan out a whole script when it comes to their voicemail greeting. They don't mind even getting the kids involved. Everyone can get written into the script. These individuals have a different voicemail depending on the upcoming Holiday. If it's Halloween they may leave a greeting sounding like Dracula. If it's Christmas they'll belt out their jolliest Ho Ho Ho. I know that Christmas is coming up I see the commercials, displays, date on the calendar, and my son is on countdown mode. Therefore, I don't need to be reminded by your voicemail.

User Error

Phone Rings x4

You've reached the sprint pcs voicemail for: "Yeah I don't know what's going on with this thing I'm still waiting on the beep, it's taking forever." At the tone leave a message at the end of your message press # for more options.

No offensive but some people are just not that technologically advanced. But it really doesn't take too much technical savvy to record your name at the beep and press # then follow the rest of the prompts to set up your voicemail. But hey maybe it's just me.

Kids Incorporated

Similar to the script writers previously mentioned, these individuals basically hand the phone over to the kids and let them leave the voicemail greeting. I've heard greetings that are as simple as "Call my momma back!" Then the more complex where you can hear the parent in the background feeding the kid the lines to recite. But it's still a kid so you eventually hear them mess up in the middle and try to whisper "What was I supposed to say?" I will admit these voice mails can be kind of cute, and sometimes funny. However, I just want to get to the point and leave my message, I just don't need all the extra theatrics.

Musical Chairs
I'm probably the biggest music lover that there is, and I love when I call someone's voice mail and they're playing my song. However, I can only take so much. If it's 30 secs of the song then cool I'll listen, bob my head a little bit, tap my foot, and maybe even hum a note or 2. However, once the song gets into the 1-3 minute mark it's just getting ridiculous. If I want to hear the song that bad I'll go to I-Tunes or turn on the radio. I don't need to hear the whole damn song on your voicemail. Now I know you may be thinking why don't I just press # and go directly to leaving a message? Well trust I know that works for most cell phones; however, depending on the carrier pressing # during the greeting will prompt it to ask you for you pin number. Therefore, you have to hang up, call back, and listen to the whole damn song again. Therefore, I don't risk trying that. But wait now they have those Call Tones. So instead of hearing the phone ringing you hear a snippet of a song. If you have a call tone please don't follow it up with a voice mail greeting that is full of a 3 minute song, this is just over kill!

Sunday Service
Now don't get me wrong I love God just as much as the next. Also, I know that as Christian's our job is to spread God's word to the world by any and all means possible. However, does that necessarily include your personal voicemail too? These individuals will begin and end their voice mail with a scripture from the bible. I mean to the point where I'm searching for a bible just so I can follow along. As much as I appreciate the good word for the day, I'm calling Monday - Friday and I'm just trying to work. Hit me with the word on Sunday please. Oh and they will never forget to tell you at the end to "Have a Blessed Day," which I appreciate. I need all the blessings I can get. LoL.

Bottom line is that we all have the right to do whatever we want on our voice mails. These are just my frustrations being expressed. But all I'm saying is why not keep it simple? "Hi this is _____ sorry I missed your call please leave me a message and I'll return your call." Or just don't record a message and let the regular cell phone message say your number and then the beep. Sometimes there is just no need for all the extra stuff. Plus you never know who is going to be calling you. What if you're trying to get a new job and they hear some of this madness I discussed? But again I digress. I'm sure that throughout the course of my day I will hear any and all of these voice mails at some point. But at least via blogger I can share my pain with the world. Maybe someone will feel me. LoL. Oh if I missed any feel free to add to my list.



Cherish said...

lol i def feel ur pain on that one. i used to do those songs when i was younger but now if somebody happens to be callin for a job thats a definite no hire tactic especially with the songs that cuss. i heard the kids ones too they can be cute sometimes but sometimes u really just arent in the mood. and the trick ones are played out

Teems said...

Between the fools and the music I dont know which one takes the cake. I hate em all... So immature. Straight to the point people. What happens when an employer calls you or there is an emergency and we have to listen to that crap?

nikki said...

i was a culprit of the singing onto the voicemail message...when i was a TEENAGER. damn, hopefully ain't no grown folk doing that nonsense.

i keep my outgoing message short and sweet cuz you're right...never know who's calling. a prospective boss will not be impressed with any of those antics and being a black female, i already got obstacles.

i too hate the long song on the message. there should really be a time limit, cuz not only does it take three minutes, it's taking three minutes off my call plan!

i'm not a phone person though, so i rarely come across this stuff.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I agree with you on these ones. I personally believe you should have a simple not home call back message.
Once we had to call the phone of a girl for business purposes. And she had a message that went like this. . .You hating b*itches can leave a message to my *ss. I know how to work a pole and your man. . .I forgot the rest it was so long.
We passed the number to everyone in the office for them to listen. I know she was like (if she has caller id) why is this place calling me 15 times in one hour.

Anyway, I always wonder if people who sing or curse on messages have a job cause if I was a potential employer I would have hung up.
And speaking of the preaching I have heard people answer with Praise God or something like that instead of hello. . .works my nerves.

Nellz said...

lmfao!!! i love coming to ur blog u make me laugh all the damn time....u named all of the voicemails out there..i cant front i did the lil kid one!! hehehe

Super Woman said...

i HONESTLY dont bother listening to people's voicemails (Because its not my job like it is yours) i just hang up LOL.

My Voicemail is short and to the point

Hi, leave a message.

THE END! LOL i dont even say my name because i like to tell stalkers they have the wrong number occasionally or someone who i just dont wanna be bothered with.

Miss.Stefanie said...

This blog had me laughing my booty off BB! I can feel your pain. Though, I cant personally stand the music that drags on and the "lets pretend Im picking up the phone" vm's. I feel your pain all too well!

Just Jasmine said...

LOL this was good.
I'm with you on the jokster ones. and since i am not calling for business i usually cuss them out. It's really annoying.

I"m also with you on the music. Only a little bit and I'm sorry the caller tunes have to go.

mrs. mary mack said...

This is why my voicemail is straight generic "leave a message"...I have a friend who has "touch my body" (mariah carey) as her call tone, and I hate when people hit you the Jesus over the voicemail. This one chick I know reads a full Bible verse to you over the message. hallelujah- I'm saved just by leaving you a message!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

But am guilty am not going to tell you which one though
but to be fair one of my pet hates are cold callers
I hate someone calling me in the middle of dinner or VI meeting to try sell me life insurance/ double glazing or shiiii like that ....if i needed any of that I will call you not the other way round lol

Tuotierugif >^..^<© said...

I have to admit in highschool I was one of those people who did the whole fake convo thing as my voicemail, but I can't stand them now when I come across them! lol

Sexxy Luv said...

lol you better then me cause my nerves would never allow me to leave a voicemail especially after listening to one of these type of phone messages. lol

i don't like those call tones at all. ugh!!!!

StarzGazR said...

ok ok ok.. when i got my cell i was pressed!! So i admit i have done one or two of these!!

I've done the " pretend i picked up" trick.. and i've done the voicemail music... lmao.. but i'm grown and mature.. i'd like to think.. so i've left those days before.. you call me you a get a nice " Hey, It's me- Leave a message." point blank!! lol

and I use to work for a medical collection agency and lemme tell you.. i've heard EVERY SINGLE thing in the books and it was horrible... so i know excatly what you mean by being scared go press pount cause i might have to type the pin in and hang up and call back and listen to it all over again!!

I loveee coming to your blog!! You always make me laugh my ass off!!

Soulstress said...

I have callertunes..they're only 30 secs..and i think its bettr than hearing the phone ring..plus i have dope callertunes hehe....but i hate when ppl have 4 min songs on their voicemail..and i'm waitin for the beep..but then i just 4get while i called and hang up lol. I dont call sum1's phone to hear a whole song.

great post as always:)

THE 0NE THEY AiNT USED T0. said...

i love your blog.
this post, im like yupp i be like that too...

ill be back!
Asia Dee

Malik said...

100,000 calls? Sounds like the sales job from hell.

Don't think I could offer any support on that. I'd probably have a heart attack if I had to deal with talking to THAT many people on the phone.

Mizrepresent said...

lol, that is why i have instituted the standard packaged voicemail voice...nondescript, white woman saying leave your message...and you know what, no one leaves me a message...and i say GOOD!

clnmike said...

Mine goe like "Dont leave a message than dont expect a call back cause you didnt have anthing I wanted to hear anyway.".

LB said...

How 'bout the wannabe comedians? I'm sure that my dad stole this from somewhere but I have repeatedly asked him to change it:

Hello, you've reached our summatime home. Summa da time we're here and summa da time, we're not...


Miss Mahogany said...

Mine says "Youd better off texting or emailing, seriously."

Funny post and good blog :)

Kitty said...

I know how you feel. when I was in HS I did telephone fundraising. Terrible. Terrible Terrible. LMAO

Ran said...

hahaha!! i def feel you on this post! i myself use to work a few jobs where i had to take incoming calls and make outgoing calls. i could not stand the vm!!! to be honest with you i was so burned out and burned up about phone jobs to the point where i did not like to talk on the phone!!lol its like a instant migraine when i had to, no matter who it is!!! im getting better at it now, but i still prefer to email, txt, or just see u in person.;o)

CurvyGurl said...


Aretha said...

I actually love when people change their vm messages for the holidays. I don't do it, but I do answer my phone "merry Christmas", "happy valentine's day", "happy easter"...you get my point.

I agree with you on all the others, though. Especially that damn singing. I don't even like the call tones. I have a friend that I will not call bc she has it. I always text her to call me.

Untouched Jewel said...

I couldn't help but laugh when you mentioned the voicemails about people reciting every scripture in the bible. LMAO. I have cousins who do that madness. I just take the phone away from my ear, and wait for the beep to come up. Prime example:
"For God so loved that he gave his only begotten son. That whosoever believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.John 3:16 You have reached the So and So residence. We are not in right now, but please leave your name and a message and we will get back to you. Have a blessed day, and Jesus is Lord".
Utterly dang ridiculous. I know this is a little off subject, but just because people leave them holier than thou voicemails, don't mean they are comin through the pearly gates. LOL.

Peggy M. said...

You are hilarious....

I must admit though, I fall for those prank v/m's time after time too... it's ridiculous, I feel like I'm the slow chick!

Jayne Dough said...

c.recks looooove the blog. i must say i follow under one of the categories. "the sprint pcs number u are trying to reach is..." im laxy, didnt feel like recording a message, plus i hate the sound of my own voice. i work for sprint so i have to call annoying customers back all day and nothings as worse as a call tone. i wish i could shoot whoever created them!

Brothers Blog said...

@ Cherish - Yeah we all did in our younger days but we too grown for that stuff now.

@ Teems - Yeah they both just as bad. And that's what I was trying to say.

@ Nikki- yeah we too old for that crap. But believe it or not I've heard it on grown people's voicemails too.

@ Sharon - lol Yeah we do pass the really good voicemails around the office. And I know people that answer praising the lord too. lol.

@ Nellz - LOL. Thanks. And smh at the kid on the voice mail. lol

@ Superwoman - lol @ no name because of the stalkers.

@ Miss Stefanie - Glad my pain can bring you joy. lol.

@ Just Jasmine - Yes I agree so much.

@ Mrs Mary Mack - Lol @ being saved via voice mail.

@ Miss Def Maybe - Please reveal to the class which you're guilty of. lol

@ Tuotierugif - Yeah once you get grown it's time out for the childish games.

@ Sexxy Luv - Trust if it wasn't my job I'd be hanging up too.

@ Stargazer - Tell us which 2 you've done. And if you've done collections then you definitely feel my pain. Thanks for the compliments.

@ Soulstress - Thanks. And I can semi tolerate the caller tunes so if you got good songs like you say I can give you a pass. lol

@ The one they aint used to- Thanks for the compliment. Come back again.

@ Malik - well that's over the course of about 7 years but yeah it's still a job from hell. lol.

@ Mizrepresent - lol @ the white woman leaving your message.

@ Clnmike - Lol. I should have guessed. From the way you write that sounds just like a message you would have.

@ LB - lol yeah the wanna be comedians is definitely a good one too. lol @ your dads joke. very old and lame. lol.

@ Miss Mahogony - lol I love that greeting. It's so true for me as well. And thanks for the compliment.

@ kitty - I see you feel my pain then. lol

@ ran - yep my job is precisely why I'm not a phone person. Text,Im, email me all day but don't call. lol

@ Curvygirl - Thanks!

@ Aretha - maybe I'm not festive enough. lol @ you texting your friend to call you.

@ Untouched Jewel - See you got exactly what I'm saying. A whole verse come on at least give me a short one. And you're right about the pearly gates. lol

@ Peggy - Thanks. LOL yeah they get me everytime too and I feel stupid for falling for it.

@ Jayne Dough - thanks for the love. But yeah I'm sure you have to deal with the same as me working at sprint.

T. Michelle Theus said...

lol...I used to sing and rap on my voicemail greetings when I was younger. I never aspired to be a singer or rapper but just thought it would be funny to do so. Looking back I'm sure I annoyed quite a few people who had no choice but to listen. lol Great post.