The First Should Be Last?!?! Part 2

Date: Summer 2005

Location: Chicago (Westside)

"Here you go sip on that."

"What is it?" I replied as I sniffed the strong scent of something that definitely didn't smell appealing.

"It's called a Hennessy Sno-Cone!"

I'll never forget those words. Let me first back track and give some slight background information before I finish that story. I was never really a drinker. For whatever reason... Well I won't lie I know the reason. It wasn't that I couldn't tolerate alcohol, or didn't like the taste of it, or had a bad experience. However, I was in a relationship from age 16 that turned to marriage and the person I was with didn't drink. Therefore, that meant I didn't drink. Oh wait we would get wild and crazy every now and then and drink a wine cooler or 2. Sad I know. My cousin won't let me live the Bartels and James days down. LoL.

Well that summer of 2005, I found myself 25 years young, separated from my wife (soon to be divorced), and feeling like a man that just got out of jail doing a 10 year bid. Free at last, Free at last, Thank God oh mighty!! Well my brother was in town and didn't hesitate to take advantage of my new found freedom and introduce me to some things I had missed out on while "locked down." He started this process the weeks leading up to this particular day in question. You know a beer here, a shot there, and a mixed drink over there. But nothing excessive as he knew that I was still a lightweight.

Well that summer day in the Chi my brother and his boy E came and scooped me up. In the hatch area of the truck they were driving they had a strategically placed cooler full of beer and some other alcohol. Our destination was going to be the West Side of Chicago. A location called the Circle. Which was nothing but a big park that went in a circle and where people went to stunt hang out, etc. As we arrived I noticed my brother's guy E had 2 girls follow us up there. Now this brought a lot of attention to us. Reason being they were both white girls and 1 of them had the Starbucks behind. LoL. Anyways, as we parked, the drinks started flowing. First some pre-mixed Bacardi Long Island Ice Tea. Then some beer, then more Long Island. It was enough to start feeling lovely. It was a hot summer evening. The park was packed; every where you looked there was a hustle man or woman selling something.

That's when someone walked up selling something. I couldn't tell what it was from my angle. But I saw E go over and purchase something for $5. He then walked back over. And That's where the story begins from up top.

"Here you go sip on that."

"What is it?" I replied as I sniffed the strong scent of something that definitely didn't smell appealing.

"It's called a Hennessy Sno-Cone!"

Yes I said it a Hennessy Sno-Cone (See image below).

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Don't let the name fool you into thinking it was some fruity concontion with a bit of alcohol in it. No. Hennessy Sno-Cone = Straight Henn poured on top of shaved ice. However, it did resemble the sno-cones that we used to drink as kids. Now I had heard a lot about Hennessy mainly through rap lyrics, but I had never tasted it before. Well I go ahead and wrap my lips around the straw and take a first sip.

Stomach meet Hennessy. Hennessy, Stomach.

I must admit that this was not a very happy meeting at all. Inside my stomach it felt more like a KKK member meeting a Black Panther for the first time. It was summer time but it felt like someone had immediately turned the temperature up to HELL as I began to sweat from the forehead profusely. How is it that the drink is making me hot yet it's on ice? Shaved ice no less. Yeah I couldn't quite fathom the reason for that back then.

So not to look like a punk, especially in front of the ladies and big bro and his boy, I kept sipping this drink (peer preasure is a mutha). I remember getting about half way through the drink and then passing it back off to E. I began feeling a little funny and just a bit dizzy. So I remember having a seat in the truck and passing out at some point. I can't recall how much time passed but the next thing you know, someone made a decision to go to Dave and Busters. Well I wish I would've had a vote in this decision because that was the longest and worst car ride I'd ever had in my life. To me it felt like a 30 minute roller coaster ride (loops and all) that just wouldn't end. My head was spinning out of control like some sort of twister and I'm quite sure I was moaning and groaning the whole ride. My brother later explained he thought I was dying. LoL.

So we finally stop and arrive at the place. I contemplated staying in the car and trying to recover from this horrible feeling. But go figure I remembered about the girls and asked their whereabouts. E says "they followed us, we bout to go in now." So I get out of the car. My brother asks if I'm straight. I figured if I could walk, then I was straight. We walked in the place and I remember them going to shoot basketball. I followed and stood there for a second watching them. Well apparently I was now doing way too much moving around because there was a horrible feeling in my stomach.

I look around and spot the men's room. I rush to it as quickly as I can. I found the closest stall and next thing you know I'm puking my guts out. I remember my brother or E coming in and asking was I alright. I couldn't tell who it was as I had my head damn near inside the bowl of the toilet. After that terrible ordeal of praying to the porcelain God, as I had heard it called so many times before making my very own trip to the alter, I walked out feeling 10xs better. I sat somewhere and ended up falling asleep. Not sure how much time passed but my brother came and found me and woke me up to leave. I said bye to the ladies and climbed back in the truck and fell back asleep on the way home.

As horrible as it felt that first time getting drunk one would think that I would have left alcohol alone. However, that was definitely not the case. I still drink to this day. Although my tolerance is much higher than it was that dreadful summer day, it hasn't stopped me from making more than a few collect calls to Earl. In fact, this past weekend as the Jamie Foxx song goes "I had one too many drinks." And believe it or not, once again, Hennessy was one of the drinks that caused my downfall.

--C-Recks--

Elementary My Dear Employee

Objective: Experienced, and educated individual seeking exciting and challenging position within a growing company.

Translation = Please hire me so I can escape this HELL they call a Job.

Like many of you I have been through many years of schooling and now work a 9-5 job. Well maybe it's just me and my job but I swear sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. You name the grade; 1st grade, 6th grade, or 10th Grade. Honestly it tends to vary on a day to day basis. As I have mentioned before I work with mostly women. But I like to consider myself the quiet type employee that basically sticks to himself and does his job for 8 hours a day. I try to mind my own damn business and not get involved in the every day gossip and trivial things that go on in the work place. Basically, I just want to do my time so I can go home at the end of the day.

However, that doesn't stop me from being very observant as to the happenings around our small office. Some things are funny, while others are just down right stupid and a waste of my time and thoughts. You can read examples of what I'm talking about Here. as well as Here. Well recenlty I went throughout the office and taken a few pictures of some things that are just down right ridiculous in nature. They truly make me feel like I'm back in grade school as opposed to at a Job with other adults. As you continue to read you'll see what I mean.

This lovely sign was inspired by the abundant number of individuals that would make their coffee or eat their lunch and leave a damn mess. I don't drink coffee. If I do it's a rare occasion or a very restless couple of nights. Also, I go home for lunch. So there is no chance that I'm the guilty culprit. However, other people think that their mothers work here as well. Therefore, they aren't even considerate enough to clean up after themselves when they make a mess. The sign has slightly deferred some from leaving a mess behind. But then again there are those people that you just wonder to yourself how do they live at home. Like you just know they live nasty as hell.

Here's another sign that's in the kitchen. Now who in today's times doesn't own a microwave oven? Well even if you don't own one I'm sure we've all used a microwave before. Therefore, who doesn't know that when you heat up food in the microwave that food can splatter as it gets hot? Well apparently one or more of the idiots I work with don't know this. Either that or they're just that damn lazy to cover up their food when heating it. Then when they do make a mess once again are so inconsiderate they'll leave the mess for the next person to clean. Well this sign has at least kept the microwave messes to a minimum lately.

Okay here's one last kitchen sign. This sign is posted on the refrigerator just like my [4 year old] son's art work is on my fridge at home. Well anyways this particular sign was inspired for a couple of reasons. First, people would bring their lunch and if they didn't eat it all they would leave it in the fridge. I don't know if they just forgot about it being in there, or if they were just too lazy to take it out and walk the 10 steps to the trash to discard their food. But when the fridge gets full and people try to make room then they notice some old Chinese food or Pizza in the back growing mold. Then someone gets stuck spending 30 minutes cleaning out the fridge. Just ignorant I tell you!!!... Now on to the other part of the sign. So, people put items such as yogurt, soda/pop, juice, and condiments in the fridge for later use. Well some employees feel the need to take other peoples food as if it is community food. We've complained about the problem before. However, after the manager had her yogurt stolen she decided to post this sign on the refrigerator.

Now this sign would be very appropriate and I believe required by law if I were working in a restaurant. However, keep in mind I work in a small office. There are no more than 15-20 people ever in the office at a time. This sign is just appalling to me every time I go to the bathroom. Do you mean to tell me that grown ass people have to be reminded to do something that we were taught to do at 2 years old? Well apparently the answer to that question is a sad yes. This sign was put up after someone pissed all over the toilet seat. Of course that means that a man was the likely culprit. And being one of the few men in the office I was pissed to think that someone may be thinking it was me. Of course that is not the case, given that between my mom and my ex-wife I've spent 25 years living with women. Therefore, I'd say I'm pretty well trained in that department. As for the other part of the sign, another time someone else handled their business and didn't flush. Come on this is just damn ridiculous.



Well these signs can get pretty redundant. I would think that someone would be able to notice that the picture of the man means it's the men's bathroom. Also, the picture of the one in the skirt would mean it's the ladies restroom. Likewise, the one with both the man and woman would be a unisex or co-ed bathroom. Well tell this to the old guy that inspired these signs. The old guy no longer works with us. However, he took it upon himself to bypass the unoccupied men's and unisex restrooms to go into and use the ladies room. Well I don't know why he did this I'd say he must have been an old pervert but who knows. All I know is the women were up in arms about this and stated he even left the toilet seat up. Therefore, the manager was prompted to post these signs on the restrooms just as a reminder. I couldn't get the picture of the men's bathroom but the sign was blue since blue is for boys according to my son. LoL.

Fortunately, that's all that I have for now. But you get the point. I'm sure come next week there will be another stupid violation that will prompt another sign to be posted somewhere. I'm expecting a sign stating "Don't cut in line at the water cooler." Or "Quiet while others are on the phone." Now I know that most of you are thinking how can you even work in an environment like that? Or that I should find a new job fast. Although I'm thankful I even have a job in these tough economic times, trust and believe that I've been trying to escape like Remy Ma. Unfortunately, I've been having the same luck that she did. LoL. But anyone with a job hook up in or around the Chicago Land area by all means holla at ya boy. I'll promptly forward my real resume to you. LoL.

--C-Recks--

I've Got a Job to Do...Doo

I want to apologize in advance for this blog. I have to discuss a subject that I really didn't want to touch. But unfortunately I've fallen victim to this on more than one occasion recently and felt it had to be addressed. I apologize if I'm being just a little gross, but I'm sure I'm not the only person to have ever gone through this before. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way let's get right into it. I work a regular 9-5 job like many of you probably do. I don't necessarily enjoy the job but I go to put in my 8 hours and get out of there. I don't like to deal with things at work that I shouldn't have to. For instance, drama, gossip, and this subject I am tackling now.

Imagine this: You've sat diligently at your desk all morning working quietly not bothering anyone keeping to yourself doing your damn job. You've been drinking your beverage of choice off and on all morning (for me it's simply water). Eventually the water starts to settle and fill up your bladder. You want to run to the bathroom but you get stuck on an extended call that can't be interrupted for right now. So as soon as you finish up that call you go running to the bathroom. But no sooner than you open up the door you get hit with it like a punch from Mike Tyson in his prime!!!

Yes that's right the funk from the bathroom has just damn near knocked your ass out like Suge Knight.

WTF?? There are no other bathrooms available, so now you're stuck with 2 choices either damn near piss your pants or hold your breath for the next minute in an attempt to not inhale the toxic scent. So you choose to brave the dreaded Area 51 wishing you had a gas mask. You take a deep breath, run in, quickly handle your business. wash your hands, and run out of the bathroom. You exit feeling like you've been waiting to exhale longer than Terri McMillan. But no sooner than you open the door to come out what happens? Yep you guessed it. Someone is coming in right behind you. Dammit!! Now what's the first thing that they're going to think when they walk in? Yes they are going to think that you're the one that did the terrible deed when in fact, you were simply an innocent victim just as they are about to be. And you just know they're going to say something to someone about the bathroom being funky as hell and they saw you come out last.

Not to put my personal bathroom business out there but I personally have never been comfortable enough to let's say have a seat in the bathroom at work. I understand the concept of when you have to go you have to go but does that really mean just go anywhere? My problem is this. I work in a small office. So in it there are 3 bathrooms. 1 that only the women use, 1 that the few men that work there use, and 1 that's pretty much a uni-sex bathroom. Now keep in mind that these aren't huge bathrooms with stalls and urinals. This is just a simple bathroom. There's a toilet there, a sink and a mirror. So imagine my pain when this situation occurs. It feels like the equivalent of being trapped in the gas chamber. Then just as in the situation I described above someone happens to walk in after me. Of course it so happens I was trapped in the uni-sex bathroom and one of the ladies walks in right after I exit. So great now I'm going to be known as the guy that s**ts at work. And again the same exact scenario has happened to me on more than one occasion so I'm pretty sure by now I have a title or nickname that I have yet to hear.

Here's my problem with the whole thing. It really boils down to respect for your fellow co-workers. I mean who hasn't caught a case of the bubble guts at some point? But see in my case I feel like I'm getting caught up behind a repeat offender. Yep that's right I'm snitchin because much like in the interrogation room they are trying to pin this on me and I'm not taking the wrap for it. Plus I don't even like the lady anyways. LoL. So here's the perpetrator she's an older lady probably late 50's or early 60's, so you know they bowels are probably looser to begin with. But my problem is that she drinks 3-4 cups of coffee every morning. Now come on you should know that coffee can act as a laxative at times. So it's no wonder why she's getting up to use the bathroom all morning. Then next comes lunch time. Now no offense to any one reading that is Hispanic. However, this lady is Hispanic and she usually eats Hispanic food for lunch. You know tacos, enchiladas, beans, rice and what not. Again I'm no expert but beans usually = having to use the bathroom. Now again to each their own. I'm not comfortable doing that but you do you. However, when you get done please warn the next person not to go in after you. You know damn well Lysol Spray or any other aerosol spray is not going to cover up the smell. So either put a sign on the door or at least do like Pops from the movie Friday said "Don't nobody go in there for at least about 35-45 minutes."

Now I've worked at bigger companies before and if you got caught stinking up the bathroom they would actually put you on blast. Even though they had individual stalls in the bathroom, as you know it's never hard to tell [at least for a man] when he's doing #2. So you better believe they would notice who's shoes were dangling under the stall and come back and tell on you just like Ezel from the movie Friday. "Smokey back there taking a S**t!!!"

In conclusion, I again apologize for addressing a rather gross subject. But I had to speak on it. And if you're one of these individuals that stink up the bathroom at work and let someone else take the blame for the horrible smell. Well all I have to say is shame on you. And I hope that the next time you get caught in the bathroom with only 1 square of tissue left. Let's see if you fess up then as you're begging for someone to spare a square. LoL.

--C-Recks--